Japhet In Search Of A Father Part 1 by Frederick Marryat (unputdownable books TXT) 📕

     In Which Timothy Makes A Grand Speech,  Quite As True As Those

     Delivered From The Hustings--Melchior,  Like The Candidate,  States

     His Pretentions For Public Favour,  And The Public,  As Usual,

     Swallow The Bait.

Fortunately For Poor Num,  We Were Not Far From The Market Town At Which

We Intended To Open Our Campaign,  Which We Did The Next Morning By Num

And Timothy Sallying Forth,  The Former With A Large Trumpet In His Hand,

And The Latter Riding On A Donkey. On Their Arrival At The Market-Place,

Num Commenced Blowing It With All His Might,  While Timothy,  In His

Spangled Dress,  As Soon As They Had Collected A Crowd,  Stood Upon His

Saddle,  And Harangued The People As Follows:--

"Gentlemen And Ladies--I Have The Honour To Announce To You The Arrival

In This Town Of The Celebrated Doctor Appallacheosmocommetico,  Who Has

Travelled Farther Than The Sun And Faster Than A Comet. He Hath Visited

Every Part Of The Globe. He Has Smoked The Calumet With The Indians Of

North America--He Has Hunted With The Araucas In The South--Galloped On

Wild Horses Over The Plains Of Mexico,  And Rubbed Noses With The

Esquimaux. He Hath Used The Chopsticks With The Chinese,  Swung The

Cherok Pooga With The Hindoos,  And Put A New Nose On The Great Cham Of

Tartary. He Hath Visited And Been Received In every Court Of Europe:

Danced On The Ice Of The Neva With The Russians--Led The Mazurka With

The Poles--Waltzed With The Germans--Tarantulaed With The

Italians--Fandangoed With The Spanish--And Quadrilled With The French.

He Hath Explored Every Mine In The Universe,  Walked Through Every Town

On The Continent,  Examined Every Mountain In The World,  Ascended Mont

Blanc,  Walked Down The Andes,  And Run Up The Pyrenees. He Has Been Into

Every Volcano In The Globe,  And Descending By Vesuvius Has Been Thrown

Up By Stromboli. He Has Lived More Than A Thousand Years,  And Is Still

In The Flower Of His Youth. He Has Had One Hundred And Forty Sets Of

Teeth One After Another,  And Expects A New Set Next Christmas. His Whole

Life Has Been Spent In The Service Of Mankind,  And In doing Good To His

Fellow-Creatures; And Having The Experience Of More Than A Thousand

Years,  He Cures More Than A Thousand Diseases. Gentlemen,  The Wonderful

Doctor Will Present Himself Before You This Evening,  And Will Then Tell

You What His Remedies Are Good For,  So That You May Pick And Choose

According To Your Several Complaints. Ladies,  The Wonderful Doctor Can

Greatly Assist You: He Has Secrets By Which You May Have A Family If You

Should So Wish--Philters To Make Husbands Constant,  And Salve To Make

Them Blind--Cosmetics To Remove Pimples And Restore To Youth And Beauty,

And Powders To Keep Children From Squalling. Sound The Trumpet,

Philotas; Sound,  And Let Every Body Know That The Wonderful Doctor

Appallacheosmocommetico Has Vouchsafed To Stop Here And Confer His

Blessings Upon The Inhabitants Of This Town." Hereupon Num Again Blew

The Trumpet Till He Was Black In The Face; And Timothy,  Dropping On His

Donkey,  Rode Away To Other Parts Of The Town,  Where He Repeated His

Grandiloquent Announcement,  Followed,  As May Be Supposed,  By A Numerous

Cortege Of Little Ragged Boys.

About Four O'Clock In The Afternoon,  Melchior Made His Appearance In The

Market-Place,  Attended By Me,  Dressed As A German Student,  Timothy And

Num In Their Costumes. A Stage Had Been Already Prepared,  And The

Populace Had Crowded Round It More With The Intention Of Laughing Than

Of Making Purchases. The Various Packets Were Opened And Arranged In

Front Of The Platform,  I Standing On One Side Of Melchior,  Timothy On

The Other,  And Num With His Trumpet,  Holding On By One Of The Scaffold

Poles At The Corner.

"Sound The Trumpet,  Philotas," Said Melchior,  Taking Off His

Three-Cornered Hat,  And Making A Low Bow To The Audience,  At Every

Blast. "Pray,  Mr Fool,  Do You Know Why You Sound The Trumpet?"

"I'M Sure I Don'T Know," Replied Num,  Opening His Goggle Eyes.

"Do You Know,  Mr Dionysius?"

"Yes,  Sir,  I Can Guess."

"Explain,  Then,  To The Gentlemen And Ladies Who Have Honoured Us With

Their Presence."

"Because,  Sir,  Trumpets Are Always Sounded Before Great Conquerors."

"Very True,  Sir-,  But How Am I A Great Conqueror?"

"You Have Conquered Death,  Sir; And He'S A Very Rum Customer To Have To

Deal With."

"Dionysius,  You Have Answered Well,  And Shall Have Some Bullock'S Liver

For Your Supper--Don'T Forget To Remind Me,  In case I Forget It."

"No,  That I Won'T,  Sir," Replied Timothy,  Rubbing His Stomach,  As If

Delighted With The Idea.

"Ladies And Gentlemen," Said Melchior To The Audience,  Who Were On The

Broad Grin,  "I See Your Mouths Are All Open,  And Are Waiting For The

Pills; But Be Not Too Impatient--I Cannot Part With My Medicines Unless

You Have Diseases Which Require Their Aid; And I Should,  Indeed,  Be A

Sorry Doctor,  If I Prescribed Without Knowing Your Complaints. _Est

Neutrale Genus Signans Rem Non Animatam_,  Says Herodotus,  Which In

English Means,  What Is One Man'S Meat Is Another Man'S Poison; And

Further,  He Adds,  _Ut Jecur,  Ut Onus,  Put Ut Occiput_,  Which Is As Much

As To Say,  That What Agrees With One Temperament,  Will Be Injurious To

Another. Caution,  Therefore,  Becomes Very Necessary In The Use Of

Medicine; And My Reputation Depends Upon My Not Permitting Any One To

Take What Is Not Good For Him. And Now,  My Very Dear Friends,  I Will

First Beg You To Observe The Peculiar Qualities Of The Contents Of This

Little Phial. You Observe,  That There Is Not More Than Sixty Drops In

It,  Yet Will These Sixty Drops Add Ten Years To A Man'S Life--For It

Will Cure Him Of Almost As Many Diseases. In The First Place,  Are Any Of

You Troubled With The _Ascites_,  Or Dropsy,  Which,  As The Celebrated

Galen Hath Declared,  May Be Divided Into Three Parts,  The _Ascites_,  The

_Anasarca_,  And The _Tympanites_. The Diagnostics Of This Disease Are,

Swelling Of The Abdomen Or Stomach,  Difficulty Of Breathing,  Want Of

Appetite,  And A Teasing Cough. I Say,  Have Any Of You This Disease?

None. Then I Thank Heaven That You Are Not So Afflicted.

"The Next Disease It Is Good For,  Is The _Peripneumonia_,  Or

Inflammation On The Lungs--The Diagnostics Or Symptoms Of Which Are,  A

Small Pulse,  Swelling Of The Eyes,  And Redness Of The Face. Say,  Have

Any Of You These Symptoms--If So,  You Have The Disease. No One. I Thank

Heaven That You Are None Of You So Afflicted.

"It Is Also A Sovereign Remedy For The _Diarrhoea_,  The Diagnostics Of

Which Are,  Faintness,  Frequent Gripings,  Rumbling In The Bowels,  Cold

Sweats,  And Spasm."

Here One Man Came Forward And Complained Of Frequent Gripings--Another

Of Rumbling In The Bowels,  And Two Or Three More Of Cold Sweats.

"It Is Well. O I Thank Heaven That I Am Here To Administer To You

Myself! For What Says Hippocrates? _Relativum Cum Antecedente

Concordat_,  Which Means,  That Remedies Quickly Applied,  Kill The Disease

In Its Birth. Here,  My Friends,  Take It--Take It--Pay Me Only One

Shilling And Be Thankful. When You Go To Rest,  Fail Not To Offer Up Your

Prayers. It Is Also A Sovereign Remedy For The Dreadful _Chiragra_ Or

Gout. I Cured The Whole Corporation Of City Aldermen Last Week,  By Their

Taking Three Bottles Each,  And They Presented Me With The Freedom Of The

City Of London,  In a Gold Box,  Which I Am Sorry That I Have Forgotten To

Bring With Me. Now The _Chiragra_ May Be Divided Into Several Varieties.

_Gonagra_,  When It Attacks The Knees--_Chiragra_,  If In The

Hands--_Onagra_,  If In The Elbow--_Omagra_,  If In The Shoulder,  And

_Lumbago_,  If In The Back. All These Are Varieties Of Gout,  And For All

These The Contents Of This Little Bottle Is A Sovereign Remedy; And,

Observe,  It Will Keep For Ever. Twenty Years Hence,  When Afflicted In

Your Old Age--And The Time Will Come,  My Good People--You May Take Down

This Little Phial From The Shelf,  And Bless The Hour In Which You Spent

Your Shilling; For As Eusebius Declares,  '_Verbum Personale Concordat

Cum Nominativo_,  Which Is As Much As To Say,  The Active Will Grow Old,

And Suffer From Pains In Their Limbs. Who,  Then,  Has Pains In His Limbs,

Or Lumbago? Who,  Indeed,  Can Say That He Will Not Have Them?"

After This Appeal,  The Number Of Those Who Had Pains In Their Limbs,  Or

Who Wished To Provide Against Such A Disease,  Proved So Great,  That All

Our Phials Were Disposed Of,  And The Doctor Was Obliged To Promise That

In A Few Days He Would Have Some More Of This Invaluable Medicine Ready.

"Ladies And Gentlemen,  I Shall Now Offer To Your Notice A Valuable

Plaister,  The Effects Of Which Are Miraculous. Dionysius,  Come Hither,

You Have Felt The Benefit Of This Plaister; Tell Your Case To Those Who

Are Present,  And Mind You Tell The Truth."

Hereupon Timothy Stepped Forward. "Ladies And Gentlemen,  _Upon My

Honour_,  About Three Weeks Back I Fell Off The Scaffold,  Broke My Back

Bone Into Three Pieces,  And Was Carried Off To A Surgeon,  Who Looked At

Me,  And Told The People To Take Measure For My Coffin. The Great Doctor

Was Not There At The Time,  Having Been Sent For To Consult With The

King'S Physicians Upon The Queen'S Case,  Of _Cophagus_,  Or Intermitting

Mortification Of The Great Toe; But Fortunately,  Just As They Were

Putting Me Into A Shell,  My Master Came Back,  And Immediately Applying

His Sovereign Plaister To My Back,  In Five Days I Was Able To Sit Up,

And In Ten Days I Returned To My Duty."

"Are You Quite Well Now,  Dionysius?"

"Quite Well,  Sir,  And My Back Is Like Whale-Bone."