Problems. by Alexis Adolpho (dar e dil novel online reading TXT) 📕

Fear

 She says that she doesn't want to talk about it. Actually she does but she's afraid of your reaction. She's afraid that you will never see her the same, as an equal. She is afraid of the pity on your eyes when you realize how screwed up she is.

She is...

She is insecure,

and broken.

In her mind she is nothing,

she is a nobody.

She went out one Friday night,

she was drinking and smoking so much.

She was numb for that period of time,

she wanted that feeling,

she loved that feeling,

that was her escape from reality.

She sat near the shore,

looked up into the stars

She saw her Great grandma look down on her,

she lost it,

she broke down and cried.

She was to young to be doing this,

but that was the only way that she could make all her pain

Disappear. 

All she hears is voice's in her head,

saying she os a screwed up person,

and that she souldn't be alive.

But she can't leave not just 

Yet.

 

 

Why?

 Why won't anyone let her go? She just want's to go home. When she has no one left she can runaway. Why would they lie to her, and tell her that she will be "OKAY?" When really the truth was she wouldn't be.She's been gone from this world for what seems like millennia. Has she com far from her yesterday? She doesn't think so. Just close her eyes and lay her in her tomb and pull the trigger and send her.

 

She wishes....

She wishes that she could wake up with Amnesia to forget the pain that she has caused; the only way for her to to be normal again is to be numb. For her to be numbe is to escape from reality by drinking. But she lost respect from a few friends, so the pain got worse. She doesn't have the answer's to stop this pain, don't think she ever will.

Sad quotes she relates to.  It hurts, but it's ok... she is used to it. She hate's getting flashbacks from things she doesn't want to remember. Sometime's, she has to pretend that everything is okay. People tell her no, but that just makes her want to do even more even if it hurts her so much. Going insane

 She is going insane now that he is gone. She is losing faith and hope. She is so ready to give up, she is not doing to good, she can't sleep at night, shes breaking day by day but she hides behind a smile that's not really there. He was there for her threw everything and one day he is not because he left this place, she want's him back, she beats herself up everyday for not stopping him, but she couldn't. She blames herself for everything, her best friend was the only person she fully trusted now she feels like she has no one. She will see him again but it's not the same as it once was. R.I.P Aaron.

Aaron Chain and his goodbye letter.

 Alexis, I know you and I haven't really gotten to talk much lately. Seems like forever since I've had a good conversation with you. I haven't forgotten what youv'e done for me. If anything when I slit my throat and bleed out, you'll be the person I miss most. You were the only one who stayed up with me on that dark night and honestly, you're the only person who seemed to really care. I know I probably sound crazy, especially since we've never even gotten to meet in person, but truly, you're one the best people I've ever gotten to talk to. I just wish wish we got to meet. I know you're probably disappointed in me, maybe even disgusted, but I promise you I won't be harming anyone anymore... I just ant you to know, before I go, that night you stayed up with me and talked me o9ut of pulling the trigger, was the first time in years I didn't feel alone... You were a good to Hailey too. She talked about you a lot when she was still here. You were the kind of friend she needed. You're an incredible person Alexis and don't you ever forget that. -Aaron

Two years later...

It's been two years since you heard about anything that was happening to me, there a lot of things that have happened in these years. Well here goes everything. I became an alcoholic, everynight I would go out to a major kick back that my friends where always throwing, until one day I got caught by the police. I got sent to Court, I refused to go to Tasc and Counsling, I refused to pay my fine off, they sent me to jail. Wasn't fun. I became sober after I got out. I was with this guy for 6 months, lived together for 5 months out of the relatioship, left him because I finally realized he was onlywith me for my body and he never really loved me like he said he did. Fell back into depression, didn't speak to anyone. Started drinking again, realized that my father is a piece of shit and doesn't care. Oh and I couldv'e had a 1 year and 7 months child, parents forced me to take plan b 4 days after it happened. Older brother died in my bathroom. Well that's most of everything that I can remember. 

Never knew

I have never known that being with someone and loving them to your fullest can be so great. But trying to move together