Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare (ebooks that read to you .TXT) 📕

this beard; make him believe
thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I 'll call Sir Toby
the whilst.
[Exit.]

CLOWN.
Well, I 'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in 't; and I
would I were the first that ever dissembl'd in such a gown. I am
not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to
be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a
good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a
great scholar. The competitors enter.

[Enter SIR TOBY and MARIA.]

SIR TOBY.
Jove bless thee, master parson!

CLOWN.
Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that
never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to niece of King
Gorboduc, 'That that is is'; so I, being master parson, am master
parson; for, what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

SIR TOBY.
To him, Sir Topas.

CLOWN.
What, ho, I say, peace in this prison!

SIR TOBY.
The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

MALVOLIO.
[Within] Who calls there?

CLOWN.
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.

MALVOLIO.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

CLOWN.
Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou
nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY.
Well said, master parson.

MALVOLIO.
Sir Topas, never was man thus wrong'd; good Sir Topas, do not
think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness.

CLOWN.
Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms;
for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself
with courtesy. Say'st thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO.
As hell, Sir Topas.

CLOWN.
Why, it hath bay-windows transparent as barricadoes, and the
clerestories toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and
yet complainest thou of obstruction?

MALVOLIO.
I am not mad, Sir Topas; I say to you, this house is dark.

CLOWN.
Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance;
in which thou art more puzzl'd than the Egyptians in their fog.

MALVOLIO.
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were
as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abus'd. I am
no more mad than you are; make the trial of it in any constant
question.

CLOWN.
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

MALVOLIO.
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

CLOWN.
What think'st thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO.
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

CLOWN.
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness; thou shalt hold
th' opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear
to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy
grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY.
My most exquisite Sir Topas!

CLOWN.
Nay, I am for all waters.

MARIA.
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown; he sees
thee not.

SIR TOBY.
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou find'st
him; I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be
conveniently deliver'd, I would he were, for I am now so far in
offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this
sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

[Exeunt SIR TOBY and MARIA.]

CLOWN.
[Singing] Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.

MALVOLIO.
Fool, -

CLOWN.
My lady is unkind, perdy.

MALVOLIO.
Fool, -

CLOWN.
Alas, why is she so?

MALVOLIO.
Fool, I say, -

CLOWN.
She loves another - Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO.
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to
a candle, and pen, ink, and paper; as I am a gentleman, I will
live to be thankful to thee for't.

CLOWN.
Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO.
Ay, good fool.

CLOWN.
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

MALVOLIO.
Fool, there was never man so notoriously abus'd; I am as well in
my wits, fool, as thou art.

CLOWN.
But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your
wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO.
They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers
to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.

CLOWN.
Advise you what you say; the minister is here. Malvolio,
Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to
sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.

MALVOLIO.
Sir Topas!

CLOWN.
Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir.
God be wi' you, good Sir Topas! Marry, amen. I will, sir, I
will.

MALVOLIO.
Fool, fool, fool, I say!

CLOWN.
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking
to you.

MALVOLIO.
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee, I
am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

CLOWN.
Well-a-day that you were, sir!

MALVOLIO.
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light; and
convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee
more than ever the bearing of letter did.

CLOWN.
I will help you to 't. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed,
or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO.
Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

CLOWN.
Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will
fetch you light and paper and ink.

MALVOLIO.
Fool, I 'll requite it in the highest degree; I prithee, be gone.

CLOWN.
[Singing]
I am gone, sir,
And anon, sir,
I 'll be with you again,
In a trice,
Like to the old Vice,
Your need to sustain;
Who, with dagger of lath,
In his rage and his wrath,
Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
Like a mad lad,
Pare thy nails, dad;
Adieu, goodman devil.

[Exit.]


SCENE III.

OLIVIA'S garden.

[Enter SEBASTIAN.]

SEBASTIAN.
This is the air; that is the glorious sun;
This pearl she gave me, I do feel 't and see 't;
And though 't is wonder that enwraps me thus,
Yet 't is not madness. Where 's Antonio, then?
I could not find him at the Elephant:
Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,
That he did range the town to seek me out.
His counsel now might do me golden service;
For though my soul disputes well with my sense,
That this may be some error, but no madness,
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune
So far exceed all instance, all discourse,
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes
And wrangle with my reason, that persuades me
To any other trust but that I am mad,
Or else the lady 's mad; yet if 't were so,
She could not sway her house, command her followers,
Take and give back affairs and their dispatch
With such a smooth, discreet, and stable bearing
As I perceive she does. There 's something in 't
That is deceivable. But here the lady comes.

[Enter OLIVIA and PRIEST.]

OLIVIA.
Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,
Now go with me and with this holy man
Into the chantry by. There, before him,
And underneath that consecrated roof,
Plight me the full assurance of your faith;
That my most jealous and too doubtful soul
May live at peace. He shall conceal it
Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,
What time we will our celebration keep
According to my birth. What do you say?

SEBASTIAN.
I 'll follow this good man, and go with you;
And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.

OLIVIA.
Then lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine
That they may fairly note this act of mine!

[Exeunt.]


ACT V.

SCENE I.

Before OLIVIA's house.

[Enter CLOWN and FABIAN.]

FABIAN.
Now, as thou lov'st me, let me see his letter.

CLOWN.
Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

FABIAN.
Any thing.

CLOWN.
Do not desire to see this letter.

FABIAN.
This is, to give a dog, and in recompense desire my dog again.

[Enter DUKE, VIOLA, CURIO, and LORDS.]

DUKE.
Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

CLOWN.
Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings.

DUKE.
I know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?

CLOWN.
Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.

DUKE.
Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.

CLOWN.
No, sir, the worse.

DUKE.
How can that be?

CLOWN.
Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me. Now my foes
tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by my foes, sir, I profit in
the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am abus'd:
so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make
your two affirmatives, why, then the worse for my friends and the
better for my foes.

DUKE.
Why, this is excellent.

CLOWN.
By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my
friends.

DUKE.
Thou shalt not be the worse for me; there's gold.

CLOWN.
But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make
it another.

DUKE.
O, you give me ill counsel.

CLOWN.
Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your
flesh and blood obey it.

DUKE.
Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer; there's
another.

CLOWN.
Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old saying is,
the third pays for all: the triplex, sir, is a good tripping
measure; or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind;
one, two, three.

DUKE.
You can fool no more money out of me at this throw; if you will
let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her
along with you, it may awake my bounty further.

CLOWN.
Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir;
but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the
sin of covetousness: but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a
nap, I will awake it