The Divine Comedy MMIX by Walt Sautter (best manga ereader txt) π
Excerpt from the book:
Yes! JC is back!
"What would Jesus do?"
That is the question that is to be answered.
This time things are different.
Hiring the help isn't as easy as it used to be. It's not that simple to get good apostles these days!
Political correctness and modern culture make things tough on the old messiah.
Even the miracles have their problems.
And, of course, his old nemesis is constantly popping up to make it even more difficult.
The Divine Comedy MMIX Irreligious Humor in Five Acts
βHeβs back and it just ainβt the same!β
βIf you donβt laugh out loud, Iβll give you your money back!
Oops, I forgot, itβs FREE!β
"What would Jesus do?"
That is the question that is to be answered.
This time things are different.
Hiring the help isn't as easy as it used to be. It's not that simple to get good apostles these days!
Political correctness and modern culture make things tough on the old messiah.
Even the miracles have their problems.
And, of course, his old nemesis is constantly popping up to make it even more difficult.
The Divine Comedy MMIX Irreligious Humor in Five Acts
βHeβs back and it just ainβt the same!β
βIf you donβt laugh out loud, Iβll give you your money back!
Oops, I forgot, itβs FREE!β
Read free book Β«The Divine Comedy MMIX by Walt Sautter (best manga ereader txt) πΒ» - read online or download for free at americanlibrarybooks.com
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- Author: Walt Sautter
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knew that!
I was just doing some arithmetic out loud.
That's about seven fifty."
JESUS (TO HOMBRE PRIMER)
"Seven fifty an hour. That's the best I can do."
HOMBRE PRIMER
"What about medical?"
JESUS
"Medical? You don't need medical. Got a problem - I'll just cure you right on the spot. I'll even give you dental and optical.
If you don't believe me get the Bible and check me out. It's all there. Iβve done blindness, leprosy - even death.
All that without one day in med school!"
HOMBRE PRIMER
"Sounds good - of course we'll need a demonstration healing before we sign up."
HOMBRE PRIMER (TURNS TO THE MAN NEXT TO HIM)
"What do you think Jesus?"
JESUS
"I just told you."
(Jesus realizes that the second man is named Jesus too)
"Alright! Here we go again! You'll be el hombre nΓΊmero dos or how about just HOMBRE DOS.
Now find me a leper and I'll show you."
HOMBRE DOS
"Why does he want a leopard?"
HOMBRE PRIMER
"No estupidez! He wants someone with leprosy!"
HOMBRE DOS
"We aint got no stinkin' lepers around here!"
JESUS
"Alright - Hombre Dos - come over here."
(Hombre Dos walks over to Jesus"
"Let me see your hand. Now watch this."
(Jesus points to a wart on the man's hand. He waves his hand slowly over the wart. The wart remains)
"Gab! Come over here and give me some help with this. I'm a little out of practice."
(Gabriele walks over and they both wave their hands over the wart. The wart disappears! The Hombres stare in amazement)
JESUS
"Pretty good huh boys? Ok that will be five dollars."
HOMBRE PRIMER
"Five dollars? Why five dollars?"
JESUS
"Didn't I tell you? The plan comes with a five-dollar copay. Five dollars for regular medical miracles and twenty five for emergency miracles."
(Hombre Dos begrudgingly hands Jesus five dollars and Jesus gives it to Gabriele)
HOMBRE PRIMER
"What about the tax deal? Under the table or what?"
JESUS
"Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto me what is mine."
(Gab interrupts)
GABRIELE
"It's Uncle Sam now. That Caesar stuff was centuries ago."
JESUS
"OK! Give unto Uncle Solomon.."
GABRIELE
"No! Sam!"
JESUS
"I mean give to Uncle Sam what is Uncle Sam's and to me what is mine."
HOMBRE PRIMER
"What does that mean?"
JESUS
"You gotta pay taxes, man! Can't beat 'em except by lying or dying."
HOMBRE PRIMER
"OK. We'll be here tomorrow at nine."
(Jesus and Gabriele leave the Hombres and walk down the street)
GABRIELE
"Well Boss, that's a good start. We've got the Hispanics covered.
Now tomorrow we have to sign up some white guys and some African Americans. Then it's on to the Asians and the Native Americans and I think we'll have them all covered. You know what I mean - the EOE thing."
JESUS
"EOE?"
GABRIELE
"Equal Opportunity Employment!"
GABRIELE
"Oh! Wait a minute. I forgot the gays. We'll some of them too!"
JESUS
"Gays?"
GABRIELE
"You know. They used to call them the Abominations. Thatβs kind out now with all the PC stuff. Now it's Gays."
JESUS
"OK! I get it.
Now I think we need to find a place to stay tonight.
And I'm not staying in any stable this time!
My mother told me all about it.
She said it was terrible. She said you couldn't take a step without getting something on your sandals.
And the smell - the smell she said was worst than the disciples."
GABRIELE
"Hey. I see a 'Vacancy' sign up head."
(Jesus and Gabriele enter the hotel and walk up to the front desk)
JESUS
"We'd like a room for the night."
HOTEL CLERK
"Yes sir. Let you take your information and we'll check you in. OK. Your name please."
JESUS
"Jesus Christ."
HOTEL CLERK
"Very good sir. And I guess your friend is the Angel Gabriele."
JESUS
"How did you know?"
HOTEL CLERK
"Ok. I can take a joke with the rest of them but now I need your name."
JESUS
"Jesus Christ."
HOTEL CLERK
"I'm going have to insist that you stop joking a give me your name or I'm going have to ask you leave."
JESUS (IN A STERN TONE)
"My name is Jesus Christ."
HOTEL CLERK
"Alright! Get out here before I call the cops."
(Jesus and Gabriele leave quietly)
GABRIELE
"I think you're going to have to change your name Boss or we'll never get a room."
JESUS
"Well when they ask me my name I can't tell a lie. You don't expect the Messiah to lie, do you?"
GABRIELE
"Urr - of course not. Never! How about we call you Isus Hristos. Issy for short."
JESUS
"Isus Hristos? What kind of name is that?"
GABRIELE
That's Romanian for Jesus Christ. Then when you tell people your name you won't be lying and we'll get a room for the night."
JESUS
"Isus Hristo. Issy.OK.
Isus sounds kind of Japanese. It will probably even help when recruit our Asian contingent. And Issy, that will be good with Jews."
From now on - Issy it is."
(Jesus and Gabriele get a room using Jesusβ new name - Isus Hristo)
ACT III
(the next morning they meet the Hombres as scheduled)
(as they walk down the street they walk by a city park)
GABRIELE
(pointing to a group of three guys playing basketball)
"Hey Jesus - I mean Issy - Here's our chance to pick up some black guys."
JESUS
(Jesus calls through the chain link fence)
"Hey. Any of you guys want a job?"
HEBE PRETTY(FIRST BLACK GUY)
"What's you want, Man?"
JESUS
"I said - Any of you guys want a job?"
HEBE PRETTY
"Not unless it's with the NBA!"
(they continue to play)
JESUS
"NBA? With you playin' like that! You gotta be foolin'"
(they stop playing and walk over to the fence)
NOTSO (SECOND BLACK GUY)
"You know who you're talkin' to? This is Hebe Pretty here."
(as he motions towards the guy next to him)
"You know what that means? It means 'He be pretty damn good'. That's what it means! Now if you boys wanta see - then get your white and Latino asses out here and we'll show you."
GABRIELE
"I think they are challenging us to some basketball Boss."
JESUS
"OK boys. Let's go."
(Jesus walks towards the open gate and waves all of them to come with him)
HOMBRE PRIMER
"But we don't know anything about basketball."
JESUS
"Don't worry! Just feed me!"
(three enter the court - Jesus, Gabrielle and Hombres Primer - the others watch - and the game begins
Jesus gets the ball from the opposite end of the court and immediately shoots the ball full court into the basket at the far end."
HEBE PRETTY
"We got a lucky white boy on our hands here."
(Notso takes the ball out and on the first dribble the ball bounces into Jesusβ hands - Jesus runs to the basket, jumps four feet into the air, hangs in mid air above the rim for a half second and dunks the ball
All the Black Guys stare in amazement. The game goes on and Jesus continues with one astonishing play after another.)
HEBE PRETTY
(out of breath and sweating profusely)
"How'd you learn to play like that?"
JESUS
"A God given talent.
If you three join us I am sure I can help you with your game. It will probably take a miracle but I think I can get you ready for the NBA after all."
(three look at each other a bit bewildered, raise their eyebrows and follow Jesus down the street)
GABRIELE (WHISPERING)
Hey, Boss we're doing great. One day and we've got the Latinos and Afros. Beautiful!
Let's see. We still need the Asians and Native Americans.
Oh yeah, and the gays too!
And, lastly of course, we'll need a few token whities."
(they walk passed the local college courtyard. It's a beautiful spring day and several students are there studying. On a nearby bench, three Asian students are pondering some physics problems. Jesus quietly approaches the bench and looks over the shoulder of one.)
JESUS
"Thermo? Tough stuff!"
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
(replies with disinterest, continuing to work on the problem)
"Sure are."
JESUS
"Maybe I can help."
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
"Help how?"
JESUS
"Let me see the problem."
(Jesus takes the book, looks at the problem and hands it back to Asian Number One)
"The answer is negative forty hundred and eighty joules and the next one, problem fifty-two is seven hundred and twenty Kelvin!"
ASIAN NUMBER TWO
(IN AN INCREDULOUS tone)
"Let me check the answers in the back."
(he turns to the answer key and peruses the list)
"Negative four eighty and seven twenty. He's right!"
ASIAN NUMBER THREE
"It's got to be a trick. Give him another one."
(Asian Number One opens the book at random)
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
"Here. What's the answer to number twenty?"
(he points to the problem)
JESUS
"Ah! Harmonic motion. Number twenty. It's four pi square meters per second"
(Asian number two again looks for the answer)
ASIAN NUMBER TWO
"Right again!"
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
"How did you do that?"
JESUS
"I am the Light; the person who sees by me will view all things."
ASIAN NUMBER THREE (LOOKING AT THE OTHER TWO)
"What does that mean."
JESUS
"Follow me and I'll show you how!"
(all eleven continue down the street led my Jesus and Gabriele)
GABRIELE
"Boss - Do you think it's a good idea to keep calling these guys by names like Hombre Primer, Black Guy Number One, and Asian Guy Number Two. I don't think it really makes them feel at home, if you know what I mean."
JESUS
"You know Gab, I think you're absolutely right! I'll give them all nice friendly, common names like I did with the Apostles the last time."
GABRIELE
"What do you mean - 'Like last time'?"
JESUS
"You didn't really think that a bunch of Jewish guys from Israel had names like John and Mark and Peter did you?
Peter's real name was Hamish and John was Moshe'. I changed them all. Could you imagine, 'The Gospel According to Moshe'. How would that work?"
GABRIELE
"I see what you mean. But how come you kept your Hispanic name - Jesus?"
JESUS
"I didn't at first. I originally called myself Shlomo. And then the teasing started.
'Slow Mo Shlomo', 'Shlomo the Schlemiel','Go low Shlomo' and so I changed my name from Shlomo to Jesus.
Jesus Christ has a much better ring to it, than Shlomo Christ anyway!"
GABRIELE
"'Jesus' doesn't exactly fit in with the others either. It's not like Tom, I mean Thomas or Jim, I mean James."
JESUS
"That's true and I was starting to get teased about that name too! Jumpin' Jesus, Jesus H. Christ and that kind of stuff.
They were really getting on my nerves. So I finally put my foot down. I couldn't keep changing my name so I told them 'Make fun of my name one more time and I'm calling it blasphemy and this time it's a mortal sin!'
That ended it. No more teasing and Jesus has been my name ever since."
GABRIELE (IN AMAZEMENT)
"Wow, the things I never knew!"
(Jesus halts him parade of followers)
JESUS
"Alright - Black Guy Number One. What's your real name?"
HEBE
"'Hebe'"
JESUS
"No - your real name."
HEBE
"BBWADDENE"
JESUS
"Do you know what that means?"
HEBE
"The Great One. That's what my mother told me."
JESUS (JESUS MAKES A BUZZER SOUND)
"Wrong.
It means a large dog!
I think we'll stick with Hebe.
And what about you Notso? And by the way what does Notso mean?"
NOTSO
"Well, when they started calling Hebe, Hebe because
I was just doing some arithmetic out loud.
That's about seven fifty."
JESUS (TO HOMBRE PRIMER)
"Seven fifty an hour. That's the best I can do."
HOMBRE PRIMER
"What about medical?"
JESUS
"Medical? You don't need medical. Got a problem - I'll just cure you right on the spot. I'll even give you dental and optical.
If you don't believe me get the Bible and check me out. It's all there. Iβve done blindness, leprosy - even death.
All that without one day in med school!"
HOMBRE PRIMER
"Sounds good - of course we'll need a demonstration healing before we sign up."
HOMBRE PRIMER (TURNS TO THE MAN NEXT TO HIM)
"What do you think Jesus?"
JESUS
"I just told you."
(Jesus realizes that the second man is named Jesus too)
"Alright! Here we go again! You'll be el hombre nΓΊmero dos or how about just HOMBRE DOS.
Now find me a leper and I'll show you."
HOMBRE DOS
"Why does he want a leopard?"
HOMBRE PRIMER
"No estupidez! He wants someone with leprosy!"
HOMBRE DOS
"We aint got no stinkin' lepers around here!"
JESUS
"Alright - Hombre Dos - come over here."
(Hombre Dos walks over to Jesus"
"Let me see your hand. Now watch this."
(Jesus points to a wart on the man's hand. He waves his hand slowly over the wart. The wart remains)
"Gab! Come over here and give me some help with this. I'm a little out of practice."
(Gabriele walks over and they both wave their hands over the wart. The wart disappears! The Hombres stare in amazement)
JESUS
"Pretty good huh boys? Ok that will be five dollars."
HOMBRE PRIMER
"Five dollars? Why five dollars?"
JESUS
"Didn't I tell you? The plan comes with a five-dollar copay. Five dollars for regular medical miracles and twenty five for emergency miracles."
(Hombre Dos begrudgingly hands Jesus five dollars and Jesus gives it to Gabriele)
HOMBRE PRIMER
"What about the tax deal? Under the table or what?"
JESUS
"Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto me what is mine."
(Gab interrupts)
GABRIELE
"It's Uncle Sam now. That Caesar stuff was centuries ago."
JESUS
"OK! Give unto Uncle Solomon.."
GABRIELE
"No! Sam!"
JESUS
"I mean give to Uncle Sam what is Uncle Sam's and to me what is mine."
HOMBRE PRIMER
"What does that mean?"
JESUS
"You gotta pay taxes, man! Can't beat 'em except by lying or dying."
HOMBRE PRIMER
"OK. We'll be here tomorrow at nine."
(Jesus and Gabriele leave the Hombres and walk down the street)
GABRIELE
"Well Boss, that's a good start. We've got the Hispanics covered.
Now tomorrow we have to sign up some white guys and some African Americans. Then it's on to the Asians and the Native Americans and I think we'll have them all covered. You know what I mean - the EOE thing."
JESUS
"EOE?"
GABRIELE
"Equal Opportunity Employment!"
GABRIELE
"Oh! Wait a minute. I forgot the gays. We'll some of them too!"
JESUS
"Gays?"
GABRIELE
"You know. They used to call them the Abominations. Thatβs kind out now with all the PC stuff. Now it's Gays."
JESUS
"OK! I get it.
Now I think we need to find a place to stay tonight.
And I'm not staying in any stable this time!
My mother told me all about it.
She said it was terrible. She said you couldn't take a step without getting something on your sandals.
And the smell - the smell she said was worst than the disciples."
GABRIELE
"Hey. I see a 'Vacancy' sign up head."
(Jesus and Gabriele enter the hotel and walk up to the front desk)
JESUS
"We'd like a room for the night."
HOTEL CLERK
"Yes sir. Let you take your information and we'll check you in. OK. Your name please."
JESUS
"Jesus Christ."
HOTEL CLERK
"Very good sir. And I guess your friend is the Angel Gabriele."
JESUS
"How did you know?"
HOTEL CLERK
"Ok. I can take a joke with the rest of them but now I need your name."
JESUS
"Jesus Christ."
HOTEL CLERK
"I'm going have to insist that you stop joking a give me your name or I'm going have to ask you leave."
JESUS (IN A STERN TONE)
"My name is Jesus Christ."
HOTEL CLERK
"Alright! Get out here before I call the cops."
(Jesus and Gabriele leave quietly)
GABRIELE
"I think you're going to have to change your name Boss or we'll never get a room."
JESUS
"Well when they ask me my name I can't tell a lie. You don't expect the Messiah to lie, do you?"
GABRIELE
"Urr - of course not. Never! How about we call you Isus Hristos. Issy for short."
JESUS
"Isus Hristos? What kind of name is that?"
GABRIELE
That's Romanian for Jesus Christ. Then when you tell people your name you won't be lying and we'll get a room for the night."
JESUS
"Isus Hristo. Issy.OK.
Isus sounds kind of Japanese. It will probably even help when recruit our Asian contingent. And Issy, that will be good with Jews."
From now on - Issy it is."
(Jesus and Gabriele get a room using Jesusβ new name - Isus Hristo)
ACT III
(the next morning they meet the Hombres as scheduled)
(as they walk down the street they walk by a city park)
GABRIELE
(pointing to a group of three guys playing basketball)
"Hey Jesus - I mean Issy - Here's our chance to pick up some black guys."
JESUS
(Jesus calls through the chain link fence)
"Hey. Any of you guys want a job?"
HEBE PRETTY(FIRST BLACK GUY)
"What's you want, Man?"
JESUS
"I said - Any of you guys want a job?"
HEBE PRETTY
"Not unless it's with the NBA!"
(they continue to play)
JESUS
"NBA? With you playin' like that! You gotta be foolin'"
(they stop playing and walk over to the fence)
NOTSO (SECOND BLACK GUY)
"You know who you're talkin' to? This is Hebe Pretty here."
(as he motions towards the guy next to him)
"You know what that means? It means 'He be pretty damn good'. That's what it means! Now if you boys wanta see - then get your white and Latino asses out here and we'll show you."
GABRIELE
"I think they are challenging us to some basketball Boss."
JESUS
"OK boys. Let's go."
(Jesus walks towards the open gate and waves all of them to come with him)
HOMBRE PRIMER
"But we don't know anything about basketball."
JESUS
"Don't worry! Just feed me!"
(three enter the court - Jesus, Gabrielle and Hombres Primer - the others watch - and the game begins
Jesus gets the ball from the opposite end of the court and immediately shoots the ball full court into the basket at the far end."
HEBE PRETTY
"We got a lucky white boy on our hands here."
(Notso takes the ball out and on the first dribble the ball bounces into Jesusβ hands - Jesus runs to the basket, jumps four feet into the air, hangs in mid air above the rim for a half second and dunks the ball
All the Black Guys stare in amazement. The game goes on and Jesus continues with one astonishing play after another.)
HEBE PRETTY
(out of breath and sweating profusely)
"How'd you learn to play like that?"
JESUS
"A God given talent.
If you three join us I am sure I can help you with your game. It will probably take a miracle but I think I can get you ready for the NBA after all."
(three look at each other a bit bewildered, raise their eyebrows and follow Jesus down the street)
GABRIELE (WHISPERING)
Hey, Boss we're doing great. One day and we've got the Latinos and Afros. Beautiful!
Let's see. We still need the Asians and Native Americans.
Oh yeah, and the gays too!
And, lastly of course, we'll need a few token whities."
(they walk passed the local college courtyard. It's a beautiful spring day and several students are there studying. On a nearby bench, three Asian students are pondering some physics problems. Jesus quietly approaches the bench and looks over the shoulder of one.)
JESUS
"Thermo? Tough stuff!"
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
(replies with disinterest, continuing to work on the problem)
"Sure are."
JESUS
"Maybe I can help."
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
"Help how?"
JESUS
"Let me see the problem."
(Jesus takes the book, looks at the problem and hands it back to Asian Number One)
"The answer is negative forty hundred and eighty joules and the next one, problem fifty-two is seven hundred and twenty Kelvin!"
ASIAN NUMBER TWO
(IN AN INCREDULOUS tone)
"Let me check the answers in the back."
(he turns to the answer key and peruses the list)
"Negative four eighty and seven twenty. He's right!"
ASIAN NUMBER THREE
"It's got to be a trick. Give him another one."
(Asian Number One opens the book at random)
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
"Here. What's the answer to number twenty?"
(he points to the problem)
JESUS
"Ah! Harmonic motion. Number twenty. It's four pi square meters per second"
(Asian number two again looks for the answer)
ASIAN NUMBER TWO
"Right again!"
ASIAN NUMBER ONE
"How did you do that?"
JESUS
"I am the Light; the person who sees by me will view all things."
ASIAN NUMBER THREE (LOOKING AT THE OTHER TWO)
"What does that mean."
JESUS
"Follow me and I'll show you how!"
(all eleven continue down the street led my Jesus and Gabriele)
GABRIELE
"Boss - Do you think it's a good idea to keep calling these guys by names like Hombre Primer, Black Guy Number One, and Asian Guy Number Two. I don't think it really makes them feel at home, if you know what I mean."
JESUS
"You know Gab, I think you're absolutely right! I'll give them all nice friendly, common names like I did with the Apostles the last time."
GABRIELE
"What do you mean - 'Like last time'?"
JESUS
"You didn't really think that a bunch of Jewish guys from Israel had names like John and Mark and Peter did you?
Peter's real name was Hamish and John was Moshe'. I changed them all. Could you imagine, 'The Gospel According to Moshe'. How would that work?"
GABRIELE
"I see what you mean. But how come you kept your Hispanic name - Jesus?"
JESUS
"I didn't at first. I originally called myself Shlomo. And then the teasing started.
'Slow Mo Shlomo', 'Shlomo the Schlemiel','Go low Shlomo' and so I changed my name from Shlomo to Jesus.
Jesus Christ has a much better ring to it, than Shlomo Christ anyway!"
GABRIELE
"'Jesus' doesn't exactly fit in with the others either. It's not like Tom, I mean Thomas or Jim, I mean James."
JESUS
"That's true and I was starting to get teased about that name too! Jumpin' Jesus, Jesus H. Christ and that kind of stuff.
They were really getting on my nerves. So I finally put my foot down. I couldn't keep changing my name so I told them 'Make fun of my name one more time and I'm calling it blasphemy and this time it's a mortal sin!'
That ended it. No more teasing and Jesus has been my name ever since."
GABRIELE (IN AMAZEMENT)
"Wow, the things I never knew!"
(Jesus halts him parade of followers)
JESUS
"Alright - Black Guy Number One. What's your real name?"
HEBE
"'Hebe'"
JESUS
"No - your real name."
HEBE
"BBWADDENE"
JESUS
"Do you know what that means?"
HEBE
"The Great One. That's what my mother told me."
JESUS (JESUS MAKES A BUZZER SOUND)
"Wrong.
It means a large dog!
I think we'll stick with Hebe.
And what about you Notso? And by the way what does Notso mean?"
NOTSO
"Well, when they started calling Hebe, Hebe because
Free e-book: Β«The Divine Comedy MMIX by Walt Sautter (best manga ereader txt) πΒ» - read online now on website american library books (americanlibrarybooks.com)
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