Zillo the Incompetent by A J Cole (no david read aloud .TXT) 📕

only produced the one child, who, upon reaching eighteen summers, entered the king’s service as a soldier. Zillo’s enchanted items continued to be locked away the moment they were produced, mainly because every one of them was mind-boggling and not even Zillo could control or wield them all.

Toward the end of Zillo’s long life, Denora passed away from a fever that was busy killing a lot of people that year. After his wife’s death, Zillo’s items started to take on darker properties, one of them even slaying the servant transporting it to the secret part of the armory where the other things were being kept.

Guilt over the servant’s death made things far worse for Zillo, who eventually went mad. Well, madder. He was already, as his old mentor Farbo had called him, a bag of crackers. At the unusual age of 115, Zillo passed away in his sleep. By then, he had a grandson who was also magical, but no one had told Zillo this, not wanting to encourage him to train the boy. One Zillo was enough.

An interesting side note: long before the wizard’s death, whenever something went awry in an extreme way, people would say that it, or the person, had been zilloed. This phrase was never spoken in the presence of the one who inspired it, but after he was dead, the expression was used with abandon throughout the kingdom.

Down through the centuries, the descendants of Zillo were alternately normal and magical, although even the most magical among them never quite achieved the level of wackiness their patriarch had possessed. It seemed the Wild Magic was not to reappear until perhaps another thousand or so years had gone by.

Another interesting side-note is that every descendant produced only one child – a male. Among the ones with magic abilities, several joined the circus, one or two were burned at the stake, and the rest produced a number of those enchanted items that confused intent with result.

By the time the twentieth century rolled around, no one remembered where all of the original items had been tucked away, and the newer ones were being kept in a lead-lined vault in the basement of the family home. Several generations before the most recent descendant, who went by the name of Brody Zillman, the family had moved to America. They were all using “Zillman” as a surname by that time, and thanks to some clever investments by those who lacked magic, the family had amassed notable wealth.

In the following catalogue of items, the ones that seem anachronistic are the ones produced during more recent times, and are indicated as such with an asterisk. And while no one has ever found any of these things, one can only hope that those who read this work will heed the warnings and chew off their own heads before trying to find any of them, which, by the way, is an entirely possible thing to do if one has a certain enchanted item crafted by Zillo the Incompetent. Looking for it, however, is not recommended.

 

DISCLAIMER: Should anyone foolishly decide to seek Zillo’s magical items, and find one or all of them; and should such discovery cause the individual(s) to suffer loss of life, limb, organ, or family members as a result, the producer of this work shall not be held responsible for said loss.

 

No wizards were harmed in the production of this work.

Disturbing Magical Items List

 

Wands

 

Wand of Burning Hans: [Range: Touch] Does nothing unless the person touched happens to be named Hans, in which case, he bursts into flame.

 

Wand of Charming Monster: [Range: Touch] Every monster touched by this wand immediately becomes adept at small-talk and flattery.

 

Wand of Cure Light: [Range: 200-foot radius] This irritating object immediately puts out all light within a 200-foot radius, regardless of the source.

 

Wand of Entitlement*: [Range: Personal] Those touched by this wand will immediately begin receiving monthly compensation checks. Not much help during combat, but could come in handy later, assuming the person survives the battle.

 

Wand of Heeling: [Range: Touch] Anyone touched will find the heels of his or footwear have been replaced with stilettos. If the creature/person is barefoot, the heel bones will elongate, causing the same effect, albeit in a far more painful way. Definitely not helpful during combat unless used against an enemy.

 

Wand of Making Hole: [Range: Touch] The poor sap touched, instead of being made whole, suddenly has a gaping hole where the original wound was inflicted.

 

Wand of Robert Frost*: [Range: 20-foot cone] Those caught inside the area affected will find themselves taking roads less travelled, regardless of where their companions may be going at the time. Not much use in combat except to make small numbers of the enemy wander off without explanation or warning.

 

Wand of Stoned Skin: [Range: Touch] When touched by this wand, the skin of its victim will begin to develop painful bruises that soon turn from black and blue to bloody, as if the person had just been subjected to stoning in the town square. After several minutes, if the spell isn’t counteracted, the wounds will become fatal. This is one of the most deadly of these items for obvious reasons.

 

Wand of Volleyball*: [Range: 35-foot radius] Enemies affected by the blast of this wand will stop what they are doing, fan out to form three rows facing each other, and then start tossing whatever object is in their hands back and forth. In a modern battle situation (this wand was crafted in the late 20th century), the effect of the wand can be of great use against the enemy, since most combatants would be holding things that explode (like hand grenades) or automatic weapons that could easily go off with all that tossing. Side-effect: should those hit with the spell have nothing in their hands, they will grab the nearest person and toss him or her instead. From a distance, this effect can be almost amusing.

 

 

Scrolls

 

Scroll of Animate Dope: Awakens sleeping oafs and compels them to take control of the quest. Warning: This rarely ends well for everyone else.

 

Scroll of Control Passing Wind: Activates a silent but deadly spell that can be directed at a specific enemy for the purpose of making him gag and run away while shouting, “Oh, gross! Who did that?”

 

Scroll of Diplomatic Immunity*: The spell activated by this scroll is relatively new, and is useful for spies as well as thieves, looters, and inside traders. A protection spell, it keeps the person affected from being arrested, punished, deported, or harmed in any way.

 

Scroll of Freedom Movement*: Another recent creation made during the height of the 1960s’ protest era, when activated, everyone within a 200-foot radius turns into a political activist hippie, who without knowing why makes protest signs and attaches them to any tall, thin object within reach, and starts chanting senseless slogans while marching on whatever capital is closest. The spell is most effective when the nearest capital is hundreds of miles away. Has been used against those already protesting to get them to clear the area.

 

Scroll of Living Daylights: Anyone within a 10-foot radius of the one activating the scroll will become temporarily paralyzed and feel like something just scared the daylights out of them, but cannot say what.

 

Scroll of Shadow Run*: Developed during the latter part of the twentieth century, the spell contained in this scroll is only effective against those in the process of playing “Dungeons and Dragons” who will immediately start using only d6 rolls for game play. No one has ever been able to explain how this could be useful. To anyone. Ever.

Imprint

Publication Date: 02-14-2016

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