Helga: Out of Hedgelands by Rick Johnson (historical books to read TXT) 📕

too. I’ve broken or muddled up every one of my projects since yesterday when that insolent Wood Cow appeared!” Fropperdaft smiled wickedly at Bad Bone. “But, that will be the last time such a thing happens in the Hedgeland, my friend...the last time.”

The High One motioned for Bad Bone to sit down at a chair near him. “Here, my loyal friend,” Fropperdaft offered, “have some cheese and Rotter Wine while we talk.”

Bad Bone tossed his long matted hair out of his face. “I’m very glad to see you, sire, I’m sure. Very pleased, sire.” He took a loaf of cheese and bit a chunk out of it. Chewing slowly, he watched the High One with interest. “Ah-har-har-har! Yes, sire, very pleased!”

“Well, well, my musty old bag of fur,” the High One began, “I hope you feel up to a climb?”

“Fitted with iron in my knees, and fire in my eyes, sire!” the Lynx replied in his deep, hearty voice. The phrase was something of a personal motto. He used it to declare his readiness for anything. It called attention to the fact that nothing would stop him from completing his mission. Bad Bone took great pride in the fact that he truly did have iron fragments embedded in his knees and legs as the result of a cooking explosion in the course of a mission many years before. The explosion and fire had not stopped him from completing that mission, however, or any other mission. He was as fast and strong as ever. He felt confident in his strength and courage to triumph over any danger, conquer any obstacle, and overcome any trial. There was no one more strong, swift and courageous than Bad Bone.

“Now listen, Bad Bone,” Fropperdaft said, “You are to go to the Messenger Jays up on the Desperate Ridges. Deliver this satchel of scrolls to their Keeper of the Light. It is my proclamation. All must hear it. The Jays will distribute the scrolls to all corners of my realm. Go swiftly. No time must be wasted. When you arrive at the Jay’s settlement, respect the authority of their Keeper of the Light, kneel before her and do as she may require. Give her this wheel of cheese as my gift. She may keep you waiting. If so, wait patiently. Do all you are asked. Although the Messenger Jays are my subjects, their home is extremely remote. They harm no one, and wish only to be left alone, so I let them do as they will. However, at times I need their assistance. They will help, but they cannot be commanded, nor hurried. You, yourself, must go swiftly and so I charge you to do. But if the Jays require patience, be patient. They are mapmakers and navigators. Their Keeper of the Light is the trustee of maps for my realms. Only the Jays know all the byways of the Hedgelands. With time so short, I must call on them to use every hidden route and little-known shortcut to assure that my proclamation is delivered throughout the land before Clear Water’s Day. Without the order of their Keeper of the Light, the other Jays will not deliver my proclamation. You must not offend her.”

“Very much my pleasure, sire,” Bad Bone replied, “very much my pleasure, to be sure.” Bad Bone felt happy. His deep, hearty laughter echoed through the Throne Room as he ate sweets with the High One and they joked about the fools they knew. Bad Bone left his meeting with the High One in good spirits. His belly was full of fine cheese and sweets, and the High One had sent him away with one of the easiest assignments he had ever received.

 

Desperate Ridges

Bad Bone pulled himself up over the rocky ledge, relieved that his exhausting climb had ended. The Messenger Jay settlement stretched out before him, a seeming jumble of multi-story tenements built in stairstep fashion. Packed densely together, the redstone buildings seemed to wander along a maze of alleys. Gratefully, he collapsed, breathing heavily, allowing his aching arms and legs to relax.

“Who goes here? Signify! Ya-Ya!” A Messenger Jay wearing a blue uniform with large brass buttons and a tall blue top hat stood before him. The Jay carried a short, stout billyclub hanging at the belt.

“As you please, your ladyship,” Bad Bone replied. “I bear a gift from the High One for the Keeper of the Light. If it pleases your ladyship, I bear a gift and papers for delivery.”

“Signify, I say,” the Jay repeated, “are you deaf?”

“Bengt Massavo, as you please, my lady. Known as Bad Bone for an accident I had once. Climbing Lynx. Royal Mission to the Keeper of the Light and Trustee of Maps. If it pleases your ladyship, a royal gift awaits her pleasure.” 

“Kiss the good rock upon which you stand, blessed visitor.”

Bad Bone complied, grumbling within himself something about “arrogant fool.”

“Now that you’ve shown proper respect for this blessed place,” the Jay observed, “go to the public bath and bathe yourself. I will give you directions. Your smell is an affront to the fresh air of this blessed place. I hope I may recover from your odor within hours. Fortunately, my health is good and your smell is only foul and offensive, not dangerous.” The Jay turned her head disdainfully away for emphasis, then turned back to Bad Bone and continued. “The furred creatures are always so very smelly; it is really quite disgraceful. Our blessed place long ago resolved that the reeking, putrid odor of the furred creatures had to be specially attended before they could enter our village.” The Jay waggled the billyclub at him warningly. “Fortunately, we receive few furred visitors and are well-prepared to handle them when they do come.” The Jay reached into one of the large, over-sized pockets of her uniform and produced a bar of soap. “I trust I will not encounter you in the precincts of our blessed citizenry until you have thoroughly bathed, at least twice, with soap! Here, visitor, use this with the warm compliments of our citizens.”

“Is that all? It is not a great deal, that!” Bad Bone replied, battling to hold back his anger. “A small sacrifice to the pleasure of your ladyship. A simple act of kindness I may offer to the citizens of this blessed place. Now, if it pleases my lady, which way to the public bath?” Except for the strength of his will to serve the High One well, he would have throttled the Jay. “This is surely the most pompous fool I have ever seen,” he fumed silently to himself. How dare this impudent, arrogant creature insult him in such terms! It was humiliating and should not be permitted. But, remembering his instructions, Bad Bone submitted.

It was the Keeper of the Light who thus instructed Bad Bone, although he did not realize to whom he spoke. The Jay said no more but began to walk leisurely along the edge of the ledge over which he had recently climbed. Back and forth the Jay walked in slow, methodical steps. Back and forth. Back and forth, saying nothing, as if merely enjoying the fresh air. Bad Bone’s frustration rose higher and higher. What was going on? Why did the Jay not answer his request for directions to the public bath? After a very long time of simply waiting for a response, he was trembling with rage and frustration. Yet, recalling his mission, and his vows as a High Peaks Worthy to never strike out in anger, he battled to keep control of himself. He dared not show his impatience with his host—no matter how badly he wanted to throttle the fool!

But, even if an outburst was contained, he tingled with pent-up frustration. Trembling, shaking, quivering...Bad Bone’s body began to twitch violently. Despite his best efforts to remain calm as he awaited instruction, little by little, his body became one large tremor. The more he struggled to retain his composure, the more he twitched. All the while, the Jay continued to stroll slowly along.

At last, his knees were trembling so uncontrollably that Bad Bone feared he would collapse in a quivering mass of twitching fur. Calling on all the powers of strength and endurance he could muster, he battled to remain upright. With tears gathering in his eyes, the burly Lynx reached deeper for strength than he had ever done before. Even climbing the terribly dangerous cliffs and crags of the Desperate Ridges did not take strength like this. The rising rush of his anger would soon burst out. The release of that rage would feel so good...but it would doom his mission and dishonor his clan. Tears filled Bad Bone’s eyes.

“Receive your instructions to bathe, visitor,” the Jay said at last.

I can bathe now, your ladyship?” Bad Bone had never felt such a desire for a bath in his life! He hated water. He never bathed. But it now sounded like paradise.

“Yes, visitor, you may bathe.” The Jay gave Bad Bone a deeply probing look. “Do you now wish to take a bath?” she asked.

“Oh, yes, as it pleases my lady!” Bad Bone exclaimed with true enthusiasm.

“I welcome you, visitor. You have gained entry to this blessed place.” The Jay gestured toward the settlement. “The public bath is at the Llanhogger Inn on Orntbeck Street,” she said. “Go and bathe. Then you are to have dinner with the Keeper of the Light. After you bathe, the innkeeper will see that you are conducted to the evening meal—if your odor has subsided by then,” she added with another look from her sharp, probing eyes. Turning to leave, the Jay smiled at Bad Bone, as if she knew a secret that she was not telling. “And don’t be late. The Keeper of the Light does not like to be kept waiting. Make haste! Make haste!”

Bad Bone’s tremors had ceased. He was no longer weeping, and his breathing was beginning to return to normal. But he also knew that his anger and frustration were still not well under control. “Make haste! Make haste! The Keeper of the Light does not like to be kept waiting!” he fumed. “Well, well...isn’t that too bad! As if I wasn’t kept waiting!” He sighed, “All right, your ladyship, if it pleases you...” He trudged off to find the Llanhogger Inn.

When he found the inn, Bad Bone was surprised to see a notice posted at what was obviously the main entry.

Feathered Entrance Only!

Odoriferous Fur Forbidden!

Furred Creatures

Must Be Hosed Before  Entering!

Furred Creatures

Proceed to the Rear!

Bad Bone was not amused. He did not like water in the first place. He hated baths. The urgent desire he so recently had to bathe was long gone. But his loyalty to his sovereign was strong. It was humiliating, but sighing deeply, he walked to the rear entrance. “Blessed place, indeed!” he muttered. “It’s a hamlet of arrogant, priggish bigots!”

At the back, he found several Jays lounging on a porch. Some seemed to be snoozing. One was snoring loudly. Others sat idly swatting at gnats that buzzed around their heads.

In addition to the Jays, Bad Bone was astounded to see a long line of furred creatures apparently waiting for something. Hares, Weasels, Lynx, Mountain Goats, Dogs—all with downcast, despairing looks—and all wearing the deep blue tunics of Worthies! Thin, ragged and listless, it appeared they had been waiting a long time. They looked weak and depressed. What was going on? What had happened to all these powerful Worthies?

Swish-luckt...swish-luckt...Bad Bone’s boots announced his arrival and things began to happen. The Jays jumped up and began scurrying around, flapping and waving and yelling excitedly. They ran helter-skelter, running into each other, tripping over one another, screaming and