KPO by Matthew G. Cohen (best book clubs .TXT) 📕

and the elevator began to move. Will was surprised yet again. The elevator was undoubtedly heading down! “How odd” he thought. I was told that I’d be heading UP…
Seconds later, the doors of the elevator opened and Will couldn’t believe his eyes. Dozens of employees were moving about haphazardly, answering phones, viewing monitors, sending faxes, and pacing about. A massive formidable guardian stood by the door. Actually, there were two. The first a canine, that was clearly the largest dog he’d ever seen, the latter, a man in uniform no shorter than 6 ft 9 and no smaller than 260 pounds. The uniformed man looked to be cut from stone, muscular and well proportioned as if he could play power forward on any basketball team. As Will approached, the uniformed man, now unmistakably on duty uncrossed his arms.
“I was told to come up here, down here, whatever…” Will stated off-handedly.
“If you’re looking for KPO, you’ve come to the right place. If you could just please go ahead and sign in.” the guard instructed handing Will a pen. As he grabbed the pen, Will couldn’t help but notice the name tag of the man read: “T”
“Some name”.. Will remarked. “Is that your nick- name?”
“It’s what I go by around here, but its short for Tiny” he answered.
“You must play hoops somewhere I suppose Will asked in a presumptuous tone admiring Tiny’s height.
“That’s right” Tiny stated confidently
“That’s right what?” Will asked in a confused tone
“That’s right I play power-forward for the Cyclones and we made the NIT tournament last year” Tiny boasted
“What does that stand for the not-invited-tournament?” Will asked facetiously chiming in with his own cockiness.
“Very funny” Tiny murmured humbled by Will’s words.
“Best of Luck to you, here at “I” you’re gonna need it!” Tiny coyly chimed in.
Tiny opened the velvet rope, gaining Will admittance to I . Just before Will was out of earshot, Tiny added, Hey! What did you say your name was? “
“I didn’t.” Will smugly stated walking toward the reception desk.
At that moment the giant of a dog rose to its feet and timidly turned and sniffed Will’s hand.
“Hey pup” William welcomed. “He’s a bull mastiff isn’t he?” asking a busy employee.
“Umm I’m sorry sir, he is a she, and her name is Julliete” she responded walking away hurriedly, hands full of papers.
Almost simultaneously, a yellow tabby cat approached Julliete. Her paws receded from the doorway, frightened and almost retreating towards the center of “I’s” floor.
“Tiny!” a deep monotone voice boomed from nowhere in particular. “Send him in!”
“Third door on the right whatever your name is.” Tiny instructed. Will dodged the hustle and bustle of workers parading about the room, and quickly bee-lined for the third office on the right.
What if he just turned around now? What if he fled this strange organization at once, leaving all future “service work” from KPO behind him? Will’s thoughts were interrupted by a deep monotonous voice that was undoubtedly speaking to him.
“Top of the evening to you Mr. William Turnwell and welcome to KPO” a voice thundered from behind the desk.
“But it’s 8 o’clock in the morning?” Will stated puzzled
Rising from his seat, William noticed the man didn’t gain much height. What this short man lacked in vertical means, he made up for in mass. He wore a serious look on his face. A look that is used to giving orders. Willliam strode across the room to shake the man’s hand, but was snubbed as the man rose from his chair and turned to face the surveillance monitors behind his desk. “You’ve come here today Turnwell to learn a valuable lesson, or three, among other things.” the man stated, stroking his meticulously maintained mustache. Will easily noticed that the man was no taller than 5 ft 3 and was quite the meatball, tipping the scales at probably close to 250 pounds. The portly man continued, It’s no coincidence you’ve landed here in our department.”
“I’m sorry, what did you say your name was? Will inquired
“ I didn’t” the rotund man returned only to continue, “You see Turnwell, all things happen for a reason. You’ve lost countless nights of sleep for a reason. You live apart from your wife and children for a reason. You can’t remember the last time you were happy for a reason.” Will was stupefied that this man knew a great deal about him, and the look he wore on his face said it all. “Turnwell, my name is Mr. Slim and welcome to The Irony Department.”
“You mean to tell me, Will began, that all these employees work for Irony?”
“Yes sir, it’s what we like to call organized chaos” Mr. Slim beamed.
“What is this place? How many employees do you have here?” Will asked
“Here at Irony Turnwell, I’ve come to expect the unexpected. Nothing here really ever makes sense, it’s all just sensible. Yeah, you could say our 24 employees here are a small crowd but I’m terribly pleased with production this year” Mr. Slim rambled
“You mind telling me what I’m doing here?” Will pleaded
“I can tell from the look on your face that you want an explanation Turnwell. An explanation is a definite possibility. I think you’ll be awfully pleased to learn that we can help” Mr. Slim stated as he pulled a chair out for Will, now sitting at a table for two.
“Here at Irony we specialize in rather heavy ironic matters.” Slim began. “I’m not talking about looking for your cell phone in your pockets only to realize that you are talking to your mother on it, I’m talking about “Monkey’s Paw” kind of irony, real high school English stuff. Yes, O.Henry’d be proud of our department…” Slim beamed.
“OK I get it. “ Will stated hastily, things here are a little backwards, or as you say, ironic… but what has that got to do with me?”
Shaking his head in a disapproving fashion Mr. Slim glared at Will, anxious to speak his position.
“Turnwell, it’s a tad bit too ironic for you to understand that it was your greed that has lead to your timely rescue.” Slim began
“Come again?” Will asked clearly befuddled
“Your lust for monetary wealth and financial rewards is the only reason you volunteered your “services” here at KPO”…
“That’s not…” Will began
“Excuse me, but I wasn’t finished Turnwell. Close your mouth and open up your ears, we are here to help. This is a dose of irony I simply can’t stomach. Irony has extended you a lifeline and you treat us like the bad guys”. Slim stated in a most frustrated tone.
Humbled, Will Turnwell listened. He listened to Mr. Slim, a complete stranger who had taken an uncanny interest in his sorry state of affairs. For what seemed like hours, Slim expounded on Turnwell’s insatiable thirst for always wanting more. His four bedroom house, Mercedes Benz, and Bretling watch were all prized possessions that Will had worked very hard for, working six and sometimes seven days a week. Family vacations over winter and spring break made his wife Cynthia and children Sam and Ellie thrilled. The whole family was content and pleased. Happy. But not Will. Slim pointed out the absurdity of a family of four needing a ten-bedroom house. How a Breitling watch keeps just as good time as a Rolex, and most importantly, how his former vehicle, the Benz and the Chevy Malibu he drove to KPO this very morning did just as good of a job as the Rolls Royce he just had to buy.
“There you are Mr. Slim our lite fare lunch is served” an apron-wearing server emerged from the kitchen catching Will by surprise.
“Bon appetite” she announced in an accent Will decided was not real French. He frowned, almost sulking at the seafood delicacy placed in front of him.
“Smatter Turnwell? Don’t you like Jumbo Shrimp cocktail?
“I’m allergic to shellfish” he revealed ruefully. Oh what? You haven’t got that on your surveillance screens?
“It’s a shame Turnwell, you’re gonna need serious brain food for the thinking that is ahead of you” Slim threatened, only to continue quickly, “Meanwhile back at the ranch, where were we? Slim asked adjusting the napkin he now wore as a bib. “We were talking about Greed and where it has taken you. The prevalence you’ve placed on material things, the Rolex, The Royce, the 10 bedroom estate you just had to call home” Slim said with his mouth full now rolling his eyes at the absurdity of Will’s purchases.
“Why do they call them “jumbo shrimp?” Will wondered aloud pretending not to listen… I mean when my son Sammy was the smallest kid in his class, Cynthia said the kids teased him calling him a little shrimp. Cocktail sauce being wiped from his chin, Slim was waiting patiently for his audience to refocus. Innately, Will had never lost his focus. He was beginning now to see the foolishness in his ways, yet he stubbornly interjected, “But I worked so hard for those things! I built my company from nothing!”
Slim shot him a contemptuous glance, leveling Will with his eyes, now fierce and penetrating from under his bald wrinkly forehead. Will resumed his subservient position once again closing his mouth and opening his ears.
Slim continued, “Isn’t it ironic that once you had all of those things you undeniably worked so hard for that you still weren’t content? You were on top of the world! The bread winner, the king of the castle! A hero in the eyes of your family…but not in your eyes. You still had a thirst that could not be quenched. A hunger that you could not feed” Slim’s face was now a crimson color as his voice continued to rise. Will knew what was coming next. He cringed at the thought of it. “It hurt to remember…It made such sense at the time, and my intentions were so good” he thought to himself.
“You took your family’s savings and livelihood and risked it all on the stock market!” Slim was now thundering in a roguish tone now nearly screaming, “Not a conservative business move, but a radical move that jeopardized your family’s financial stability! Sam and Ellie’s college money!” Tears welled in Will’s eyes as he now knew that Greed has gotten the best of him. Indeed it was ironic, he played hard. Too hard, hoping for the big score. The ultimate payout, only to lose it all. Inherently, Will had always known the error of his ways and was slowly learning that Greed was a destructive force that had gotten the best of him. But stubbornness of Will’s caliber cannot be put down with one simple lecture. He needed to hear more. He needed advice, consulting from an expert.
“So what do you recommend I do now?” Will asked, not quite impatient, but pretty close to it.
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t’” Slim maintained.
“Oh great, now you are going to philosophize on me?” Will wondered aloud
“Turnwell, allow me to quote one of the great Civil Rights activists of all time. Frederick Douglass once stated, ‘At a time like this, scorching irony, not a