Observations by Mr. Dooley by Finley Peter Dunne (free ebooks romance novels txt) 📕

Unterdenlinden Cyclone, Willum has been ladin' th' ca'm an' prosperous life iv a delicatessen dealer undher a turner hall. He's had no fights. He niver will have anny fights. He'll go to his grave with th' repytation iv nayether winnin' nor losin' a battle, but iv takin' down more forfeits thin anny impror pugilist iv our time.

"What do I think iv him? Well, sir, I think he's not a fighter but a fight lover. Did ye iver see wan iv thim young men that always has a front seat at a scrap so near th' ring that whin th' second blows th' wather he gets what's left on his shirt front? Well, that's me frind Willum. He is a pathron iv spoort an' not a spoort. His ideel is war but he's a practical man. He has a season ticket to th' matches but he niver will put on the gloves. He's in the spoortin' goods business an' he usu'lly gets a percintage iv th' gate receipts. If he sees two nations bellowin' at each other th' assurances iv their distinguished considheration, he says: 'Boys, get together. 'Tis a good match. Ye're both afraid. Go in, uncle; go in, Boer.' He is all around th' ringside, encouragin' both sides. 'Stand up again' him there, Paul; rassle him to th' flure. Good f'r ye, uncle. A thrifle low, that wan, but all's fair in war. Defind ye'er indipindance, noble sons iv Teutonic blood. Exercise ye'er sov'reign rights, me English frinds.' If wan or th' other begins to weaken th' first bottle through th' ropes is Willum's. Whin annybody suggests a dhraw, he demands his money back. Nawthin' but a fight to a finish will do him. If ayether iv th' contestants is alive in th' ring at th' end, he congratulates him an' asks him if he heerd that German cheer in th' las' round.

"Oh, he's good. He'll do all right, that German man. In high di-plomacy, he's what in low di-plomacy wud be called a happy jollyer. But he knows that if a man's always slappin' ye on th' back, ye begin to think he's weak; so he first shakes his fist undher ye'er nose an' thin slaps ye on th' back. Sometimes he does both at th' same time. An' he's got th' thrue jollyer's way iv provin' to ye that he's ye'er frind alone an' th' deadly inimy iv all others. He's got th' Czar iv Rooshya hypnotized, th' King iv England hugged to a standstill, an' th' Impror iv Chiny in tears. An' he's made thim all think th' first thing annywan knows, he'll haul off an' swing on wan iv th' others.

"So, havin' fixed ivrything up in Europe, he cast his eyes on this counthry, an' says he: 'I think I'll have to dazzle thim furriners somewhat. They've got a round-headed man f'r prisidint that was born with spurs on his feet an' had a catridge-belt f'r a rattle, an' some day his goolash won't agree with him an' he'll call th' bluff I've been makin' these manny years. What'll I do to make thim me frinds so that 'twud be like settin' fire to their own house to attackt me? Be hivins, I've got it. They're a dimmycratic people. I'll sind thim a prince. They can't keep him away, an' whin he lands, th' German popylation'll come out an' get up schootzenfists f'r him an' me fellow impror acrost th' say'll see how manny iv them there ar-re, an' he'll think twict befure he makes faces at me. F'r, wanst a German, always a German be it iver so far,' he says. 'I'll sind thim Hinnery. Hinnery! Turn in th' alarm f'r Hinnery,' he says. Hinnery slides down th' pole an' th' Impror says: 'Brother, catch th' night boat f'r America an' pay a visit to whativer king they have there. Take along annywan ye like an' as manny thrunks as ye need, an' stay as long as ye plaze. Don't ring. Back th' dhray again' th' front dure an' hurl ye'ersilf into th' first bed room ye see. Act just as if ye was me,' he says. 'But I'm not invited,' says Hinnery. 'Write ye'er own invitation,' says Willum. 'Here's th' answer: 'Fellow Potyntate, Ye'ers iv th' second instant askin' me brother Hinnery to spind a year with ye, not received. In reply will say that nawthin' cud give me gr-reater pleasure. He can stay as long as he plazes. Him an' his soot will not need more thin th' whole house, so ye can have th' barn to ye'ersilf. If ye have a brother, don't neglect to sind him over to see me. I know a good hotel at four a day, all included but candles, an' if he stands at th' front window, he can see me go by anny day. Ye'ers, Willum, Rex an' a shade more.'

"So here comes Hinnery, an' we're goin' to give him a gloryous rayciption. Th' war vessels will be out to welcome him, th' prisidint will meet him at th' dock an' he will be threated to wan continyous round iv schutzenfists, turnd'yeminds, sangerbunds, katzenjammers, skats, an' other German fistivals. Th' aristocracy iv New York is practicin' Dutch an' th' Waldorf-Astorya will be festooned with dachshunds. He'll see more Germans an' more German Germans thin he iver see in Prooshya. An' I hope he'll have a good time."

"I wondher what Tiddy Rosenfelt thinks iv it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Well, what wud ye think if ye'd had to intertain a German Prince unawares? Ye'd give him th' best ye'd got, ye'd dig up a bottle iv Knockimheimer down th' sthreet an' ye'd see that he got a noodle ivry time he reached. An' whin he wint away, ye'd go as far as th' dure with him an' pat him on th' back an' say: 'Good-bye, good-bye, Hinnery. Good-bye, Hans. Guten nobben, oof veedersayin, me boy. Good luck to ye. Look out f'r that shtep! There ye ar-re. Be careful iv th' gate. D'ye think ye can get home all right? I'd go as far as th' car with ye if I had me coat on. Well, good-bye lanksman. Raymimber me to ye'er brother. Tell him not to f'rget that little matther. Oh, of coorse, they'se no counthry in th' wurruld like Germany an' we're uncivilized an' rapacyous an' will get our heads knocked off if we go into a fight. Good-bye, mein frind.' An' whin ye'd shut th' dure on him, ye'd say: 'Well, what d'ye think iv that?'"


Prince Henry's Reception

"That Prince Hinnery seems to be havin' a good time," said Mr. Hennessy.

"He's havin' th' time iv his life," said Mr. Dooley. "Not since th' Hohnezollern fam'ly was founded be wan iv th' ablest burglars iv th' middle ages has anny prince injyed such a spree as this wan. Ye see, a prince is a gr-reat man in th' ol' counthry, but he niver is as gr-reat over there as he is here. Whin he's at home he's something th' people can't help an' they don't mind him. He's like an iron lamp post, station'ry, ornymintal, an' useful to let people know where they are. But whin he comes to this home iv raypublican simplicity, he's all that th' wurrud prince wud imply, an' it implies more to us thin to annywan else. I tell ye, we're givin' him th' best we have in th' shop. We're showin' him that whativer riv'rince we may feel tow'rd George Wash'nton, it don't prejudice us again' live princes. Th' princes we hate is thim that are dead an' harmless. We've rayceived him with open arms, an' I'll say this f'r him, that f'r a German he's a good fellow.

"That's as far as I care to go, havin' lived f'r manny years among th' Germans. I'm not prejudiced again' thim, mind ye. They make good beer an' good citizens an' mod-rate polismen, an' they are fond iv their fam'lies an' cheese. But wanst a German, always Dutch. Ye cudden't make Americans iv thim if ye called thim all Perkins an' brought thim up in Worcester. A German niver ra-aly leaves Germany. He takes it with him wheriver he goes. Whin an Irishman is four miles out at sea he is as much an American as Presarved Fish. But a German is niver an American excipt whin he goes back to Germany to see his rilitives. He keeps his own language, he plays pinochle, he despises th' dhrink iv th' counthry, his food is sthrange an' he on'y votes f'r Germans f'r office, or if he can't get a German, f'r somewan who's again' th' Irish. I bet ye, if ye was to suddenly ask Schwarzmeister where he is, he'd say: 'At Hockheimer in Schwabia.' He don't ra-aly know he iver come to this counthry. I've heerd him talkin' to himsilf. He always counts in German.

"But I say about Prince Hinnery that f'r a German he's all right an' I'm glad he come. I hear he wrote home to his brother that is th' Imp'ror over there: 'Dear Willum: This is a wondherful counthry, an' they've give me a perfectly killin' rayciption. I've almost died laughin'. We was met forty miles out at sea be a band on a raft playin' th' Watch on th' Rhine. We encountered another band playin' th' same plazin' harmony ivry five miles till we got up to New York. I wisht I had come over on a man-iv-war. In th' Bay we was surrounded be a fleet iv tugs carryin' riprisintatives iv th' press, singin' th' Watch on th' Rhine. I rayceived siveral offers through a migaphone to write an article about what ye say in ye'er sleep f'r th' pa-apers, but I declined thim, awaitin' insthructions fr'm ye. At th' dock we was greeted be a band playin' th' Watch on th' Rhine an' afther some delay, caused be th' Delicatessen Sangerbund holdin' us while they sung th' Watch on th' Rhine, we stepped ashore on a gangplank neatly formed be th' guv'nor iv th' state holdin' onto th' feet iv th' mayor, him clutchin' th' iditor iv th' Staats Zeitung an' so on, th' gangplank singin' th' Watch on th' Rhine as we walked to th' dock.

"'I am much imprissed be New York. I hate it. Th' buildin's are very high here but th' language is higher. If I was to go home now, ye wudden't know me. Afther I hear a speech I don't dare to look in th' glass f'r fear I might be guilty iv treason to ye, mein lieber. Our illustrious ancesthor, Fridrick th' Great, was a cheap an' common man compared to me, an' ye, august brother, niver got by th' barrier. I hope I'll have time to cool down befure I get home or ye'll have to lock me up.

"'They're givin' me th' fine line iv entertainmint. Ivrywhere I go, they'se music or something that does as well. I have a musical insthrument called a catastrophone in me room that plays th' Watch on th' Rhine whin I go in at night an' get up in th' mornin'. Whin I go out on th' sthreet, th' crowd cries "Hock th' Kaiser." I wish they'd stop hockin' ye, dear brother, an'