Samantha on the Woman Question by Marietta Holley (love letters to the dead TXT) 📕

Josiah come home from Jonesville one day, all wrought up. He’d took off a big crate of eggs and got returns from several crates he’d sent to New York, an’ he sez to me:

“That consarned Middleman is cheatin’ me the worst kind. I know the yaller Plymouth Rock eggs ort to bring mor’n the white Leghorns; they’re bigger and it stands to reason they’re worth more, and he don’t give nigh so much. I believe he eats ’em himself and that’s why he wants to git ’em cheaper.”

“No Middleman,” sez I, “could eat fifty dozen a week.”

“He could if he eat enough at one time. ’Tennyrate, I’m goin’ to New York to see about it.”

“When are you goin’?” sez I.

“I’m goin’ to-morrow mornin’. I’m goin’ in onexpected and I lay out to catch him devourin’ them big eggs himself.”

“Oh, shaw!” sez I. “The idee!”

“Well, I say the Trusts and Middlemen are dishonest as the old Harry. Don’t you remember what one on ’em writ to Uncle Sime Bentley and what he writ back? He’d sent a great load of potatoes to him and he didn’t get hardly anything for ’em, only their big bill for sellin’ ’em. They charged him for freightage, carage, storage, porterage, weightage, and to make their bill longer, they put in ratage and satage.

“Uncle Sime writ back ‘You infarnel thief, you, put in “stealage” and keep the whole on’t.’”

But I sez, “They’re not all dishonest. There are good men among ’em as well as bad.”

“Well, I lay out to see to it myself, and if they ever charge me for ‘ratage’ and ‘satage’ I’m goin’ to see what they are, and how they look.”

“Well,” sez I, “if you’re bound to go, I’ll get up and get a good breakfast and go with you.” It was the day of the Woman’s Suffrage Parade and I wanted to see it. I wanted to like a dog, and had ever since I hearn of it. Though some of the Jonesvillians felt different. The Creation Searchin’ Society wuz dretful exercised about it. The President’s stepma is a strong She Aunty and has always ruled Philander with an iron hand. I’ve always noticed that women who didn’t want any rights always took the right to have their own way. But ’tennyrate Philander come up a very strong He Aunty. And he felt that the Creation Searchers ort to go to New York that day to assist the Aunties in sneerin’ at the marchers, writin’ up the parade, and helpin’ count ’em. Philander wuz always good at figures, specially at subtraction, and he and his Step Ma thought he ort to be there to help.

I told Josiah I guessed the She Aunties didn’t need no help at that.

But Philander called a meetin’ of the Creation Searchers to make arrangements to go. And I spoze the speech he made at the meetin’ wuz a powerful effort. And the members most all on ’em believin’ as he did—they said it wuz a dretful interestin’ meetin’. Sunthin’ like a love feast, only more wrought up and excitin’.

The editor of the Auger printed the whole thing in his paper, and said it give a staggerin’ blow agin Woman’s Suffrage, and he didn’t know but it wuz a death blow—he hoped it wuz.

“A Woman’s Parade,” sez Philander, “is the most abominable sight ever seen on our planetary system. Onprotected woman dressed up in fine clothes standin’ up on her feet, and paradin’ herself before strange men. Oh! how bold! Oh! how onwomanly! No wonder,” says he, “the She Aunties are shocked at the sight, and say they marched to attract the attention of men. Why can’t women stay to home and set down and knit? And then men would love ’em. But if they keep on with these bold, forward actions, men won’t love ’em, and they will find out so. And it has always been, and is now, man’s greatest desire and chiefest aim he has aimed at, to protect women, to throw the shinin’ mantilly of his constant devotion about her delikit form and shield her and guard her like the very apples in his eyes.

“Woman is too sweet and tender a flower to have any such hardship put upon her, and it almost crazes a man, and makes him temporarily out of his head, to see women do anything to hazard that inheriant delicacy of hern, that always appealed so to the male man.

“Let us go forth, clad in our principles (and ordinary clothing, of course), and show just where we stand on the woman question, and do all we can to assist the gentle feminine She Aunties. Lovely, retirin’ females whose pictures we so often see gracin’ the sensational newspapers. Their white womanly neck and shoulders, glitterin’ with jewels, no brighter than their eyes. They don’t appear there for sex appeal, or to win admiration. No indeed! No doubt they shrink from the publicity. And also shrink from making speeches in the Senate chambers or the halls of Justice, but will do so, angelic martyrs that they are, to hold their erring Suffrage sisters back from their brazen efforts at publicity and public speakin’.”

They said his speech wuz cheered wildly, give out for publication, and entered into the moments of the Society.

But after all, it happened real curious the day of the Parade every leadin’ Creation Searcher had some impediment in his way, and couldn’t go, and of course, the Society didn’t want to go without its leaders.

Mis’ Philander Daggett, the president’s wife, wuz paperin’ her settin’ room and parlor overhead. She wuz expectin’ company and couldn’t put it off. And bein’ jest married, and thinkin’ the world of her, Philander said he dassent leave home for fear she’d fall offen the barrel and break her neck. She had a board laid acrost two barrels to stand up on. And every day Philander would leave his outside work and come into the house, and set round and watch her—he thought so much of her. I suppose he wanted to catch her if she fell. But I didn’t think she would fall. She is young and tuff, and she papered it real good, though it wuz dretful hard on her arm sockets and back.

And the Secretary’s wife wuz puttin’ in a piece of onions. She thought she would make considerable by it, and she will, if onions keep up. But it is turrible hard on a woman’s back to weed ’em. But she is ambitious; she raised a flock of fifty-six turkeys last year besides doin’ her house work, and makin’ seventy-five yards of rag carpet. And she thought onions wouldn’t be so wearin’ on her as turkeys, for onions, she said, will stay where they are put, but turkeys are born wanderers and hikers. And they led her through sun and rain, swamp and swale, uphill and downhill, a-chasin’ ’em up, but she made well by ’em. Well, in puttin’ in her onion seed, she overworked herself and got a crick in her back, so she couldn’t stir hand nor foot for two days. And bein’ only just them two, her husband had to stay home to see to things.

And the Treasurer’s wife is canvassin’ for the life of William J. Bryan. And wantin’ to make all she could, she took a longer tramp than common, and didn’t hear of the Parade or meetin’ of the C.S.S. at all. She writ home a day or two before the meetin’, that she wuz goin’ as long as her legs held out, and they needn’t write to her, for she didn’t know where she would be.

Well, of course, the Creation Searchers didn’t want to go without their officers. They said they couldn’t make no show if they did. So they give up goin’. But I spoze they made fun of the Woman’s Parade amongst theirselves, and mourned over their indelikit onwomanly actions, and worried about it bein’ too hard