"Same old Bill, eh Mable!" by Edward Streeter (different ereaders txt) 📕

We didnt have nothin to do Crismus but take care of the horses an "the usual policin." That left me with almost an hour in the middle of the day without anything to do. I was goin to rite you a letter but I felt kind of drowsy. Ever since I been in the army Ive said that my first duty was to keep fit so I went to sleep insted. Patriotic. Thats me all over, Mable.

The reasen I got a chance to rite this letter is because some horse stepped on my foot the other day an I cant walk. It wasnt any accident. That horse an me never got along. Hes been layin for me ever since I brushed his teeth with a curry brush. The more I see of horses the more I want to meet the fello that wrote Black Buty. He must have learned about horses in a carpenter shop. Im goin to rite a book about them when I get home that will put the S.P.C.A. out of business. I got to stop ritin now an answer sick call with my foot. Yesterday they gave me some pills. I suppose today theyll look at my tongue an tell me its my stummick thats out of order.

Well, Mable, I havnt had so much as a pictur post card from you in two weeks. I hope that fello Archie Wainwright aint botherin you agen cause our hospittles is crowded enuff now. Im still a gentleman but if I ever catch him moldin your hammick around his figger—well, Mable, Id talk it over with him cause I seen enuff blood shed already.

yours doubtfully till I hear
Bill

Dere Mable:

I got the first real news for you Ive had since I joined the army. Were comin home toot sweet. Theres an outfit on its way up here now to relieve us. It certinly will relieve me. Just a couple of weeks longer an then no more square heads, no more flannel bandages around my legs, no more engins without cowcatchers. It wont seem right at first. I expect Ill feel like I was A.W.O.L. an run around the corner every time I see a policeman. Theres one man they neednt be afraid of ever startin any more wars an his names Smith. If I ever have a son an he so much as starts off with his left foot hes goin to have the worst lickin you ever heard of.

A General inspected us today. I cant help feelin sorry for his wife. She must spend most of her time lookin for a new hired girl. If he ever said anything nice to anybody I bet hed come back an apologize. Hes the kind of a fello that eats his own young.

Everybody knew the General wasnt comin over to hang no wreaths around nobodies neck. So we all slicked up pretty well to humor him.

Everything would have gone off as well as you could have expected if it hadnt been for that horse. A jokes all right in its place but its place aint under a General. The horse was so big that the General like to have bust gettin up. As soon as he got set the horse took a couple of steps. Then he sat down in the mud like a dog an let out a groan.

Of course it was all off then. By the time hed coaxed that horse up to the battery he was so sore hed have found rust on the perly gates an put Saint Peter under arrest for not bein shaved.

When he got around to my seckshun I thought he was about due to be out of breath. I had a little rip in my pants that I hadnt had time to sew up. Nothing anybodied notice. Just my knee stickin thru. That fello could see a hole in your undershirt tho. When he came up to me he looked me over like I was a windo dummy that he didnt care much about. Then he says to the Captin "What do you mean by lettin a man stand inspeckshun like that?"

The Captin looked at me surprised like hed never seen me before. Then he turns to the sargent an says "Sargent, I want a report on why was that man permitted to stand inspeckshun in that condishun." They all talk as if they were doin me a favor by lettin me stand inspeckshun. Ill tell the world I didnt go around an ask nobodies permishun.

The sargent looked at my pants kind of hurt like I hadnt ast for a new pair thirty seven times. After the General had put the whole battery under arrest an rode away to get some raw meat he sighed like a fello that everybodies agenst. Then he turns to the corperal an says "What the this an that do you mean by gettin me in Dutch, you big space filler?"

So the corperal stuck me on detail manacurin the streets for a couple of days. About all there is left for me is to go around an kick a few horses in the stummick after dark.

The funny part about it is that everybody knew there hadnt been no pants ishued since we got here. Half the fellos in the battery is comin thru in places the General couldnt see because he was mounted. That dont make no difference. A fellos knees aint got no rights in this mans army. I wish I was a Lady from Hell an I wouldnt have to bother about pants. Thats tecknickle, Mable. I dont guess youll get it.

They call this passin the buck. In the army they got it fixed up so that nothin aint ever nobodies fault. Its always on the next fello down. That works out pretty good unless you happen to be on the bottom step like me. I dont know why they call it passin the buck. I never saw it pass him yet.

Your Crismus box came yesterday. It sure was good of you to send it after all I said. At least a good part of it came considerin one end of the box was gone. There was enuff left to give me an idear of what had been in it. The only reason that any of it got here was because theyd set so many things on top of it that some of the stuff got kind of baled an stuck to the insides.

The thing that struck us most was the size of the box. Whoever got that up must have thought that the folks at home was goin to send us jewelrey for Crismus. I didnt care cause I knew it wasnt your falt. Joe took it kind of hard tho cause he forgot to send any slips home an he was kind of countin on me.

I got six letters from you all at once a couple of days ago. You must carry them around in your pocket a week or two like I do when anybody gives me a bunch to mail. I didnt care about anything tho when I read that Archie Wainwright had gone an married that little snub nosed thing across the street. I guess he must have been tipped off that nobodied given him the freedom of the city. Some reason or other tho I feel madder at him than I did before. I guess theres got to be a casulty when I get home anyway.