The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (speed reading book txt) ๐
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- Author: Mark Lemon
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An attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had taken all the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted.
DCXXII.โSHORT AND SHARP."Why, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company with half-a-dozen huge men, "I protest you are so very small I did not see you before."
"Very likely," replied the little gentleman; "I am like a sixpence among six copper pennies,โnot easily perceived, but worth the whole of them."
DCXXIII.โIRELAND'S FORGERY.Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The Lie of the Day!"
"Say you so?" replied Kemble; "why, we act the same;
But to cozen the town we adopt a new name;
For that Vortigern's Shakespeare's we some of us say,
Which you very well know is a lie of the day."
[Pg 135] DCXXIV.โA GOOD ONE.
Lamb and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he paused, and said, "Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?"โ"I never heard you do anything else!" said Lamb.
DCXXV.โ"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."A very stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to ignore a bill. "Write Ignoramus for self and fellows on the back of it," said Curran.
DCXXVI.โA WORD TO THE WISE.Dr. Balguy, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, "All wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr. Wharton, then at Winchester school:โ
That "wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you.
DCXXVII.โLIBERAL GIFT.
A comedian at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me something?"โ"Why, zounds, man," replied the comedian, "didn't I give you the hint?"
DCXXVIII.โEASILY ANSWERED.A certain Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.
DCXXIX.โON THE LATIN GERUNDS.She wept in silence, and was Di-Do-Dumb.
[Pg 136] DCXXX.โDODGING A CREDITOR.
A creditor, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose his presence of mind. "That's a beautiful mare you are on!" said Sheridan. "Do you think so?"โ"Yes, indeed! how does she trot?" The creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted round the corner, and was out of sight in a moment.
DCXXXI.โBAD HABIT.Sir Frederick Flood had a droll habit, of which he could never effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion literatim. Sir Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting behind him, jocularly whispered, "and be whipped at the cart's tail."โ"And be whipped at the cart's tail!" repeated Sir Frederick unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.
DCXXXII.โWHO'S TO BLAME.King James used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir, whose fault is that!" The king stood corrected, and was silent.
DCXXXIII.โTHE LETTER H.Sir James Scarlett, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be bothered a little, and[Pg 137] his only vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem. The witness presented himself in the box,โa portly, overdressed person,โand Scarlett took him in hand.
Q. Mr. John Tomkins, I believe?
A. Yes.
Q. You are a stock-broker?
A. I ham!
Scarlett regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then said: "And a very fine, well-dressed ham you are, sir?"
The shouts of laughter which followed completely disconcerted the witness, and the counsel's point was gained.
DCXXXIV.โTRUTH AND RHYME.In the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by the bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow (who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton) had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented himself before the bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff stern visage of the times, said to Barrow,โ
"Quid est fides?" (What is faith?)
"Quod non vides" (What thou dost not see),
answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued,โ
"Quid est spes?" (What is hope?)
"Magna res" (A great thing),
replied the young candidate in the same breath.
"Quid est charitas?" (What is charity?)
was the next question.
"Magna raritas" (A great rarity),
was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who went direct to the bishop and told him that a young Cantab had thought proper to give rhyming answers to three several moral questions, and added that he believed[Pg 138] his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge. "Barrow, Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of the young Cantab, "if that's the case, ask him no more questions, for he is much better qualified," continued his lordship, "to examine us than we him." Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith.
DCXXXV.โA GOOD TRANSLATION.Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum."
Thus translatedโ
Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."
DCXXXVI.โMAD QUAKERS.
A mad Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any other mad person of the same degree in life.
DCXXXVII.โBACON.A malefactor, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve. To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be Bacon till he had first been hung."
DCXXXVIII.โA LETTER WANTING.Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."
Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth,
For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."
DCXXXIX.โADVICE TO THE YOUNG.
Jerrold said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the shutters before there is something in the window."[Pg 139]
DCXL.โA PROMISE TO PAY.Joe Haines was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l., as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe, "here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His lordship ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My lord, here are two men who have such great scruples of conscience, that I fear they'll hang themselves."โ"Very well," said the bishop; so, calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow morning, and I will satisfy you." The men bowed, and went away pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his lordship addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of conscience?"โ"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have no scruples. We are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines, for a debt of 20l.; and your lordship kindly promised to satisfy us to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.
DCXLI.โPUNCTUATION.Some gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no periods to their works."
DCXLII.โCON-CIDER-ATE.Lord Bottetot, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax, in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said, "Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not let me linger; I see you have not faggots enough." This[Pg 140] good-humored speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pass.
DCXLIII.โFEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.There is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.
DCXLIV.โA-LIQUID.Porson, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a loss for something to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another, without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only a-liquid!" answered Porson.
DCXLV.โTOP AND BOTTOM.The following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street, Strand, where he resided:โ
And ten dark coal barges are moored:
Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,
For there's craft in the river, and craft in the street."
From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?
For the attorneys are just at the top of the street,
And the barges are just at the bottom."
DCXLVI.โA SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.
Jerrold and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send the little[Pg 141] thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied, "and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,โ'When this you see, remember me.'"
DCXLVII.โA NEW DISGUISE.The Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote what new character he should go in. "Go sober!" said Foote.
DCXLVIII.โWET AND DRY.Dr. Macknight, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and ejaculated over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr. Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be dry eneuch when ye get into the pu'pit."
DCXLIX.โRUM AND WATER.A certain Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society, being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. โโ, I canna' say I'm very fond of rum; for if I tak' mair than six tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me a headache."
DCL.โA BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.Perhaps the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur
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