Jokes To Jumpstart Your Day by Paul Roberts (i read a book .txt) π
Excerpt from the book:
Everyone loves a laugh
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- Author: Paul Roberts
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into a sewer line.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
-----
Advice to an old guy...
An old guy was working out in the gym when
he spotted a sweet young thing...
He asked the trainer that was near-by,
"What machine in here should I use to impress
that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said,
"I would try the ATM in the lobby."
-----
Some Doctor jokes for you.
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep''
he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'
-----
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered
-----
Questions you can Never Answer
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.........
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
-----
I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!
-----
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
-----
The Centipede
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
-----
Husband and wife go past a field of sheep, goats, and pigs, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
-----
"Smiling isn't owned by those in power, or those who have the most money, or those who desire something from you. A smile is something you own no matter who you are, or where you live."
-----
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . .
-----
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy - they have sex with men for money...."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.
-----
This guy bought his wife a burial plot for her birthday. The following year, when he bought her nothing, she complained. He said: "What are you complaining about? You didn't use the present I bought you last year!"
-----
Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: No!
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates daughter
Son: Okay then
DAD GOES TO BILL GATES
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son
Bill Gates: No!
Dad: My son is the CEO of World Bank
Bill Gate: Then okay
DAD GOES TO SEE THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK
Dad: Appoint my son as a CEO
President: No!
Dad: He is the son in law of Bill Gates
President:Okay then
BUSINESS....
-----
Naughty Santa Banta
Santa: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me a drink. Fight is about to start.
Bartender gives him a drink.
Santa again says: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me drink. Fight is about to start.
Bartender again gives him a drink.
Santa again asks for a drink as the fight is about to star.
Bartender: When on earth the fight will start?
Naughty Santa: When you will ask for money.
-----
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
-----
Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.
Not
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
-----
Advice to an old guy...
An old guy was working out in the gym when
he spotted a sweet young thing...
He asked the trainer that was near-by,
"What machine in here should I use to impress
that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said,
"I would try the ATM in the lobby."
-----
Some Doctor jokes for you.
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep''
he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'
-----
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered
-----
Questions you can Never Answer
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.........
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
-----
I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!
-----
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
-----
The Centipede
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
-----
Husband and wife go past a field of sheep, goats, and pigs, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
-----
"Smiling isn't owned by those in power, or those who have the most money, or those who desire something from you. A smile is something you own no matter who you are, or where you live."
-----
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . .
-----
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy - they have sex with men for money...."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.
-----
This guy bought his wife a burial plot for her birthday. The following year, when he bought her nothing, she complained. He said: "What are you complaining about? You didn't use the present I bought you last year!"
-----
Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: No!
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates daughter
Son: Okay then
DAD GOES TO BILL GATES
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son
Bill Gates: No!
Dad: My son is the CEO of World Bank
Bill Gate: Then okay
DAD GOES TO SEE THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK
Dad: Appoint my son as a CEO
President: No!
Dad: He is the son in law of Bill Gates
President:Okay then
BUSINESS....
-----
Naughty Santa Banta
Santa: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me a drink. Fight is about to start.
Bartender gives him a drink.
Santa again says: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me drink. Fight is about to start.
Bartender again gives him a drink.
Santa again asks for a drink as the fight is about to star.
Bartender: When on earth the fight will start?
Naughty Santa: When you will ask for money.
-----
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
-----
Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.
Not
Free e-book: Β«Jokes To Jumpstart Your Day by Paul Roberts (i read a book .txt) πΒ» - read online now on website american library books (americanlibrarybooks.com)
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