Baboo Jabberjee, B.A. by F. Anstey (read e book .txt) 📕

you had given her, which seems to have been originally intended for another young lady. We needn't mention her name here—but you made her acquaintance some time after your engagement, didn't you?... And since you left Porticobello House, you have seen a good deal of her, eh?... You were a great admirer of hers, weren't you?... I'm not asking you whether she is engaged to a Scotch gentleman at the present moment—I'm putting it to you that, at the time you were writing these letters to the plaintiff, you had already formed the conclusion that this other young lady was more deserving of the honour of being the second Mrs Jabberjee.... I am not suggesting that you could help it—but wasn't it so?... Very well—that is all I have to ask you Mr Jabberjee. You can go....

I must not omit to record that my replies and the reading of my letters did excite frequent and vociferous merriment, and in other respects I have testified so exhaustively that my solicitor informs me it is not worth a candle to call any further witnesses—especially as Hon'ble Cummerbund has intimated that he prefers to blow unseen, and as for Baboo Chuckerbutty Ram, he, it seems, has of course been seized by such violent indisposition that he was compelled to leave the Court.

So I am now to deliver one more brief oration, which will infallibly secure me the plerophory of the jury and exalt my head to the skies as Cock of the Roost.

Only I regret that Jessimina's visage is now completely invisible to me, being obscured by the dimensions of her hat, also that she should carry on such protracted confabulations with her curly-headed professional adviser—which is surely lacking in most ordinary respect for myself and Hon'ble Justice Honeygall!

[Pg 255] XXXI

Mankletow v. Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant brings his Speech to a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and Mr Witherington, Q.C., addresses the Jury in reply.

My aforesaid shorthanded acquaintance has very fortunately preserved the literal transcript of my concluding oration, which will afford a feeble idea of the grandiloquence of my loquacity.—H. B. J.

Verbatim Report (unofficial).

Baboo Jab. May it please your mighty honour and great notorious gentlemen on the jury, it must present a strange and funny appearance to behold a young Indian B.A., provided with a big education and the locus standi of barrister-at-law, crawling humbly towards your footstools as a suppliant, and already I perceive from your benevolent and smirking visages that your hearts are favourably inclined towards your unfortunate son, and that you are too deeply imbued with serpentine wisdom to be at all bamfoozled by the ad captandum charms of feminine cajoleries. Indeed, I am a poor penniless chap, if not almost completely dead for want of funds, and if I had only been able to call my revered and fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir Cummerbund, he would infallibly have testified—

The Judge. As you did not think proper—no doubt for excellent reasons—to put Sir Chetwynd in the box when you could have done so, Mr Jabberjee, I shall most certainly not allow you to make any comments now upon the evidence he might or might not have given.

Baboo J. I beg to knuckle very submissively to your lordship's argument. The fact is, that the said Sir Cummerbund, on hearing my answers when I was acting in the capacity of a harrowed toad under my friend Witherington's cross-examination, very handsomely stated that I had left nothing for him to say, and begged modestly that he might be excused. But indeed, Misters, I occupy but a very beggarly apartment in this Fools' Hotel of a world, and it is the moral impossibility for me to pay any damages whatever! Moreover, it is a well-authenticated fact that I am a shocking coward, and was induced to become affianced by haunting apprehensions of receiving a succession of severe kicks. For how, being suddenly put to my choice between being barbarously kicked and punched or acquiring a spruce and blooming bride, could I hesitate for a moment to accept the lesser of two evils? Nevertheless, I did remain uninterruptedly devoted to the plaintiff for many weeks—until I encountered a still younger and more bewitching lady, who became the Polar Star to my compass-like heart. But, lack-a-daisy, Sirs! though I left no stones unturned to be off with my Old Love, I did not get on very fortunately with the New, seeing that she preferred an affluent young Scotch, whereby I am reduced to shedding tears in silence and solicitude between two stools! (Roars of laughter.) Misters, like the frog that was being lapidated by thoughtless juveniles, I reply:—"for you it may be facetious; but to myself it is a devilishly serious affair!" For, after beholding the plaintiff here and discovering that she had advanced rather than retrograded in physical attractiveness, I made cordial approaches to her, but she passed me by with a superciliously exalted nose! Gentlemen, it is a terrific piece of humbug for her to allege that her heart has been infernally lacerated by my unfaithfulness, when, at this very moment, instead of lending her ears to my brief and rambling oration, she is entirely engrossed in flirtatious converse with her curlypated juvenile solicitor! (Sensation.)

Witherington, Q.C. (rising). My lord, I really must protest. There is absolutely no justification for the defendant's outrageous insinuation. I am informed by Miss Mankletow that she simply asked the gentleman sitting next to her whether he had seen her smelling-salts!

The Judge. I fail to see, Mr Jabberjee, what advantage you can hope to gain by these highly irregular digressions. The plaintiff is under my immediate observation, and I have seen nothing in her conduct during the trial of which you have the smallest right to complain.

Bab. J. I am highly satisfied by your lordship's obiter dictum. Not being in such a coign of vantage as your honour's excellency, I was misled by the propinquity of heads viewed from the rear. Now, before again becoming a sedentary, I am to propose a decisive test of plaintiff's bona fides in desiring my insignificant self as a spouse. Herewith I beg humbly to have the honour of renewing my formal proposal of marriage, and moreover will pledge myself in most solemn and business-like style never on any account, whether so permitted by laws of country or vice versâ, to take to myself a single additional native wife in her lifetime. This handsome offer is genuine and without prejudice, and I will take leave to remind plaintiff, in the terms of a rather musty adage, that she is not too closely to inspect the mouth of such a gifted horse as myself. (Great laughter, and some sensation in Court as Jabberjee sits down.)

Witherington, Q.C. Your lordship will see that this—ah—rather unforeseen development renders it necessary that I should ascertain the plaintiff's views before proceeding to reply. (The Judge nods: breathless excitement in Court while the plaintiff's solicitor carries on an animated conversation with Mr W. in undertones.)

Witherington (rising once more). Gentlemen, I have, as it was my duty to do, consulted the plaintiff respecting the unusual course which the defendant has thought proper to take. Her answer to his proposal is the answer which I am sure you will feel is the only possible one in the circumstances. (Jab. beams.) The plaintiff, gentlemen, has undergone the severest ordeal a young woman of delicacy and refinement can be called upon to endure ("Hear, hear!" from Jab.), and out of that ordeal I think you will all agree she has come absolutely unscathed.

I need hardly say that she is incapable now of harbouring any unworthy sentiments of rancour or revenge. (Jab. beams more effulgently still.)

But, gentlemen, there are some injuries which, as you know, a woman may find herself able to excuse, to palliate, even to condone; but which she feels nevertheless must operate as an insuperable and impassable barrier between herself and the individual who could be capable of them! (Jab.'s smile becomes a trifle less assured.)