The Ten Pleasures of Marriage<br />and the Second Part, The Confession of the New Married Couple by A. Marsh (best free novels txt) 📕

most certain that by a frequent doing of this, you will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very acceptable to your dearly beloved.

Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter, and perceives that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of words but few effects for his mony; because all his boasting, doth, for the most part, contain what he had before made use of; and is therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that boiling and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him take a resolution to let it take its course. But still growing weaker and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him, that he is troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins of his back, a lameness in his joints that he can hardly lift his arm to his head; together with a foulness of his stomack, which makes him that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all up again, &c. Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the ground of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him.

O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward, it will come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor, who privately simpers at the playing of his own part, and never fails to note down his Visits; but most especially if he have the delivery of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them then so largely to account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the tiding of a new Bankrupt.

But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for nothing; and it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new remedies; especially when we see that you constantly write.

Rx Vini Rhenani vetustissimi & generostssimi M ij.

And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and Tansies, &c.

Though since the Patient, like making a Martyr of himself, is in this manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly beloved Wife is not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of consolation to the good woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken such deep root in her heart, that no crums of comfort, though ever so powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the seeing of a husband who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine, to ly sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and mollifie it with showers of tears.

But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with this sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it known to good acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you before) are very ready to appear with their flouts and gibes, and instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the Patient, saying: O Sir, we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then half your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your wives; and we alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate Wedding-wine for you, that you would have desired us to have taken the like care for to have such at yours, and afterwards at your Wives lying-in. Yet since it hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor hath taken so much the better care for it.

Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the same time, as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last receipt had ordered Rhenish Wine.

And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce abundance of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast up a hundred Receits which makes Peggy the maid blush and be most cruelly ashamed at; but behind the Window she listens most sharply to hear what's told and confessed by those that be in the Chamber, as to the further matter of fact.

For Master Barebreech relates, that as he was travelling the last Summer into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through Edenburgh, met there with his cousin Master Coldenough, who look'd so lean and pale-fac'd; that Master Barebreech told him, in truth Cousin, I should hardly have known you; verily you look as if you were troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a first lying-in through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too true. I went from home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks or a month, that I might store my self with fresh provisions, and sing a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho, Ho, saith Master Barebreech, flatter not your self with such a fancy, that you'l get as much up again in three weeks or a month, as you have been running behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a frolick go into France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then when we come home again, you'l find your self so well, and both you and your wife will be thankfull to me as long as you live for my good advice of taking this journy. To be short, the Cousins travell together, and Master Coldenough came home so lusty, fat and plump, that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired mightily that he was so fat and corpulent.

At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having toss'd up their cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh Kan, and Master Winetast begins to relate how that he used to be familiarly acquainted with a certain brave Judge, who had a bucksom bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which at noon, as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very cleaverly by his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads, that he must immediately, without further delay, go upon a journy; having read that, prepares himself with his man forthwith to be going.

But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take some important writings along with him; the Lady calls his man privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her displeasure to tell her, who delivered him that Letter; with a promise of her favour if he spoke the truth. Whereupon the fellow trembling, answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the Judge; but he hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will have the greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear anything, said her Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do.

A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and walking with his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of Sheep, having but one Ram amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt, Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one Sheep hath such horns, and the t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the Ram, the He-Sheep. What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love, answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes Hony, saies the Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said) alas poor Creature, how must you long then to walk some other Road!

There had been more related; for Master Carouser was entred upon a new subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to break of.

But Ellen the starchster, being busie in the Kitchin with the Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in; saith, Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by my truly Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel, saith the Mistriss, this is clear another thing, this sickness is not without great danger; and it would be no such wonder, if my husband hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the Pleasures of Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of.

But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the Pleasures so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as it were for the present hid behind the Curtains; neither must you expect to sail alwaies before wind and tide; and beleeve me there are yet other Nuts to be krackt.

The Third Pleasure. Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's sake. The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing.

It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel striving against the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made and furnisht, then the good Man falls sick, and keeps the first Lying in.