The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (speed reading book txt) đź“•
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- Author: Mark Lemon
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Charles Mathews, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the driver, said to him when at length he appeared: "If you stand here much longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's ships."—"How's that, sir?"—"Why, frozen at the pole!"
CMLII.—A CERTAIN CROP.Under the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field, where Lord Fife, his factor,[Pg 209] and others interested in the subject were collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last cried out, "Saw't wi' factors, ma lord; they are sure to thrive everywhere."
CMLIII.—GOOD ADVICE.Never confide in a young man,—new pails leak. Never tell your secret to the aged,—old doors seldom shut closely.
CMLIV.—MR. THELWALL.When citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: "If you do, you'll be hanged:" to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: "I'll be hanged, then, if I do."
CMLV.—CHEAP AT THE MONEY.A shilling subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury one-and-twenty of them."
CMLVI.—A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.A person, hearing that "Time is Money," became desirous of learning how many years it would take "to pay a little debt of a hundred pounds!"
CMLVII.—A BACK-HANDED HIT.Lord Derby once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is represented. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult to the members who represent that wretched country."[Pg 210]
CMLVIII.—THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.It surely would be properer,
To term a singing piece a bawl,
A dancing piece a hopperer!
CMLIX.—A FAVORITE AIR.
One of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear it."—"Can anybody whistle it?" asked Jerrold, laughing.
CMLX.—A GOOD JOKE.A fire-eating Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have a prop. "Suppose," said he, "I lean against this milestone?"—"With pleasure," replied the lawyer, "on condition that I may lean against the next." The joke settled the quarrel.
CMLXI.—ONE THING AT A TIME.A very dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying, "It was not hissed."—"True," said another; "no one can hiss and gape at the same time."
CMLXII.—TROPHIES.A French nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many trophies of Louis the Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my master's victories are to be seen everywhere but in his own house."
CMLXIII.—"BRIEF LET IT BE."When Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson observing: "Mr. Martin,[Pg 211] do you think any office would insure your life? Remember, yours is a brief existence."
CMLXIV.—GOOD ADVICE.A philosopher being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge, replied, "Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread."
CMLXV.—EXPECTORATION.We are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of. No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy.—S.S.
CMLXVI.—A COAT-OF-ARMS.Came to a herald for his pedigree:
The herald, knowing what he was, begun
To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done,
Told him he was a gentleman of note,
And that he had a very glorious coat.
"Prithee, what is 't?" quoth he, "and take your fees."
"Sir," says the herald, "'tis two rampant trees,
One couchant; and, to give it further scope,
A ladder passant, and a pendent rope.
And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves,
There is a bird i' th' crest that strangles thieves."
CMLXVII.—DR. SIMS.
A glorious bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with great naiveté: "My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an emetic! I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would not stay on my stomach either time."
CMLXVIII.—MARRIAGE.In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.[Pg 212]
CMLXIX.—BENEFIT OF COMPETITION.Pope, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, "I am afraid that the young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor!"
CMLXX.—INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.A spendthrift said, "Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the world; now see where I am through my own exertions."—"Well, where are you?" inquired a neighbor. "Why, I now owe more than a thousand pounds!"
CMLXXI.—QUANTUM SUFF.In former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her mouth, in these words, "No anither drap; neither het nor cauld."
CMLXXII.—LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.A retired cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the Poor-Laws, "You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort of stuff which you poets call the 'milk of human kindness.'" Lamb looked at him steadily, and replied, "Yes, I am aware of that,—you turned it all into cheese several years ago!"
CMLXXIII.—AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA."Are you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are you put there for but to find that out?"[Pg 213]
CMLXXIV.—ACCOMMODATING.A man in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said, "You speak foolishly." He answered, "It is that you may understand me."
CMLXXV.—GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.Lent me ten guineas.—"Come," said I,
"Give me a pen, it is but fair
You take my note." Quoth he, "Hold there;
Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;—
No need to waste my paper too."
CMLXXVI.—ODD REASON.
A celebrated wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he was much attached. "I know not" he replied, "except the great regard we have for each other."
CMLXXVII.—VERY EVIDENT.Garrick and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: "a goes koored hear."—"How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people as these can cure agues?"—"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their prescription is,—but it is not by a spell."
CMLXXVIII.—OMINOUS, VERY!A jolly good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: "Dr. X—— in?"—"Don't live here," says P——, who was in full scribble over some important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his office."—"Next door."—"Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many patients?"—"Not living!" The old gentleman was never more heard of in the vicinity.[Pg 214]
CMLXXIX.—A REVERSE.An Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house he occupied, answered, "If the house were turned topsy-turvy, I'd be livin' on the first flure."
CMLXXX.—ON AN M.P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE OF HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.His name with loss of honor branding:
When he resolved to win his seat
He literally lost his standing.
CMLXXXI.—MUSICAL TASTE.
A late noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W——, did: "Oh," replied his lordship, "if I was as deaf as my brother, I would subscribe too."
CMLXXXII.—LINGUAL INFECTION.A fashionable Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such an airing. "Oh!" said he, "he's trying to catch the English accent."
CMLXXXIII.—PORSON versus DR. JOWETT.Dr. Jowett, who was a small man, was permitted by the head of his college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some jeux d'esprit among the wags of the University, which induced him to alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the following extemporaneous lines:—
And fenced it with a little palisade;
[Pg 215] Because this garden made a little talk,
He changed it to a little gravel walk;
And now, if more you'd know of little Jowett,
A little time, it will a little show it.
CMLXXXIV.—BREVITY OF CHARITY.
Brevity is in writing what charity is to all other virtues. Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without the other.
CMLXXXV.—HIGH GAMING.Baron N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an odd trick; on which his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room. The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he should do? "Do," says the wit, "never play so high again as long as you live."
CMLXXXVI.—HARD OF DIGESTION.Quin had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. "Do you know, sir, that this bird has one very remarkable property—he will swallow iron?"—"Then very likely," said Quin, "he has swallowed the key of your wine-cellar!"
CMLXXXVII.—A MONSTER.Sydney Smith said that "the Court of Chancery was like a boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in haste, and digested them at leisure."
CMLXXXVIII.—SAILOR'S WEDDING.A jack-tar just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, "Never mind, brother, marry us as far as it will go."[Pg 216]
CMLXXXIX.—QUID PRO QUO.Smith and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each other. "Oh dear!" says Smith, "how you made my head ring!"—"That's a sign it's hollow," said Brown. "Didn't yours ring?" said Smith. "No," said Brown. "That's a sign it's cracked," replied his friend.
CMXC.—THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.One communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of —— approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out to an individual whom he considered the principal obstacle in clearing the passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of ——," and then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read the line, "Nor stand in sinners' way."
CMXCI.—ENCOURAGEMENT.A young counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, "The unfortunate client who appears by me—" and then he came to a full stop; beginning again, after an embarrassed pause with a repetition of the remark, "My unfortunate client—." He did
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