Mr. Punch with the Children by J. A. Hammerton (ready player one ebook .txt) đź“•
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- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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A Big Pill.—"What is it, my pet?" "Oh, mum—mummy—I dreamt I'd sw-swallowed myself. Have I?"
[Pg 61]Hostess. "What would you like to eat, Effie?" Effie. "Cake." Mother (reprovingly). "Effie! Effie! What is the word you've forgotten? Pl——" Effie. "Pl—um!"
[Pg 62]
Overheard at the Zoo.—(A fact.)—Small child (pointing to the hippopotamus). Oh, mother, look at that big frog going to have a bath!
Better-informed parent. That isn't a frog, yer silly. It's a crocydile!
Infant Agonies.—Small boy. Auntie! Auntie! Has goosegogs got legs?
Auntie. No!
Small boy. Boo-hoo-hoo! then I've been and swollered—a beastie!
Inadequate Hospitality.—"Well, Guy, did you enjoy the party?
"Yes, mummy; but I'm so hungry. There was only a now and then tea, you know; with no chairs, and no grace!"
Nature's Logic.—Papa. How is it, Alice, that you never get a prize at school?
Mamma. And that your friend, Louisa Sharp, gets so many?
Alice (innocently). Ah! Louisa Sharp has got such clever parents!
[Pg 63]
"Fiat Experimentum," &c.—Scene—A Christmas family gathering at a country house. Old Bachelor Guest (violently awakened out of his morning snooze.) "Who'sh there?" The Grandchildren (shouting in chorus, and banging at his door). "Oh, Mr. Bulkley—please—Mr. Bulkley—do get up—and go on the pond—'pa says—'cause—gran'ma says—we may—if it'll bear you—it'll bear us!"
[Pg 64]Ada. "What horrid things black-beetles are, Miss Grimm! The kitchen is full of them!"
The Governess. "I agree with you, Ada! But as they are not beetles, and not black, perhaps you will call them cock-roaches for the future!"
Ada. "Certainly, Miss Grimm; although they are not roaches, and not cocks!"
A Conscientious Child.—"Is your cold better this morning, darling?"
"I don't know. I forgot to ask nursey!"
Tommy. I can strike a match on my trousers, like Uncle Bob. Can you, auntie?
[Pg 65]
Mother. "You must put your dolls away to-day. It's Sunday."
Little Girl. "Oh, but, mother, that's all right. We're playing at Sunday school!"
Confused Associations.—"And where did these Druids live, Tommy?"
"They lived in groves of oak."
"And in what particular ceremony were they engaged once a year?"
"Er—let me see—Oh! in kissing under the mistletoe!"
[Pg 66]
Grandmamma. "And how did it happen, dear?"
Master Tom. "It didn't happen. Ma did it on purpose!"
Master Tommy's Receipts.—(To cure a smoky chimney.) Get out on to the roof of the house with a good-sized feather bolster and eighteen-pennyworth of putty. Insert the bolster longways into the chimney, taking care to plaster it all round tightly with the putty. Now sit on it. The chimney will no longer smoke.
[Pg 67]
And it was only yesterday that grandpapa was complaining to his little grandsons that he never got real winters like he used to have, with plenty of skating and sliding. (N.B.—Butter-slides are very effective.)
[Pg 68]
The Evidence of the Senses.—Mamma. How dare you slap your sister, George?
George. She kicked me when my back was turned, and hurted me very much, I can tell you!
Mamma. Where did she hurt you?
George. Well, I can't azactly say where, because—because my back was turned, and I was looking another way!
Pursuit of Knowledge.—Son and heir (whose inquiring turn of mind is occasionally a nuisance). Say, 'pa, what's a v'cab'lary?
Father. A vocabulary, my boy—what d'you want to know that for?
Son. 'Cause I heard 'ma say she'd no idea what a tremenjous v'cab'lary you'd got, till you missed the train on Saturday!
At the Sunday School—Teacher. Now, Mary Brown, you understand what is meant by baptism?
Mary Brown. Oh, I know, teacher! It's what Dr. Franklin did on baby's arm last Toosday!
[Pg 69]
A little Christmas Dream.—Mr. L. Figuier, in the thesis which precedes his interesting work on the world before the flood, condemns the practice of awakening the youthful mind to admiration by means of fables and fairy tales, and recommends, in lieu thereof, the study of the natural history of the world in which we live. Fired by this advice, we have tried the experiment on our eldest, an imaginative boy of six. We have cut off his "Cinderella" and his "Puss in Boots," and introduced him to some of the more peaceful fauna of the preadamite world, as they appear restored in Mr. Figuier's book. The poor boy has not had a decent night's rest ever since!
[Pg 70]
Young, but Practical.—"What! Harry! not in bed yet, and it's nine o'clock! What will papa say when he comes home?"
"Oh, papa! He'll say, 'Supper! supper! What's for supper?'"
A Realist in Fiction.—"I saw a rabbit run through that hedge!"
"No, dear. It was imagination!"
"Are 'maginations white behind?"
Improving the Shining Hour.—The new Governess. What are the comparative and superlative of bad, Berty?
Berty (the Doctor's son). Bad—worse—dead.
A Capital Choice.—Cousin Amy. So you haven't made up your mind yet what profession you're going to be when you grow up, Bobby.
Bobby. Well, yes! I don't exactly know what it's called, you know, but it's living in the country, and keeping lots of horses and dogs, and all that!
[Bobby's papa is a curate, with ÂŁ200 a year.
[Pg 71]
"Whatever are you children doing?"
"Oh, we've found pa's false teeth, and we're trying to fit them on to the baby, 'cos he hasn't got any!"
[Pg 72] THE SICK CHILD BY THE HONOURABLE WILHELMINA SKEGGSA weakness seizes on my mind—I would more pudding take;
But all in vain—I feel—I feel—my little head will ache.
Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am,
And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam.
I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore
That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more,
Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me,
In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea.
It may be so—I cannot tell—I yet may do without;
They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about.
I long to cut that potted beef—to taste that apple-pie;
I long—I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try.
I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much;
Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch!
Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear.
My brain swims round—I feel it all—mother, your child is queer!
Alix (aged five, to parent who has been trying to inspire her with loyal sentiments). And was the Queen weally named after me?
[Pg 73]
A Toothsome Morsel.—Distracted Nurse. "Gracious, children, what are you doing?"
Children. "Oh, we've put the meat cover on grandpa's head to keep the flies off him!"
[Pg 74]"Drat the boy! What have you got that string tied on that fowl's leg for?"
"'Tain't our fowl, muvver!"
[Pg 75]Snooks (who fancies himself very much). "What's she crying for?"
Arabella. "It's all right, sir. She was frightened. When she saw you she thought it was a man!"
[Pg 76]Kitty (reading a fairy tale). "'Once upon a time there was a frog——'"
Mabel (interrupting). "I bet it's a princess! Go on!"
Physics.—"Now, George, before you go and play, are you quite sure you know the lesson Professor Borax gave you to learn?"
"O, yes, mamma!"
"Well, now, what causes heat without light?"
"Pickles!"
[Pg 77]
Mother. Well, Dorothy, would you like your egg poached or boiled?
Dorothy (after weighing the question). Which is the most, mother?
Small Boy. "Look 'ere, Mawrd! I reckon the chap as keeps this shop ain't bin to school lately; 'e spells ''all' with a haitch!"
[Pg 78]"Well, Tommy, how are you getting on at school?"
"First-rate. I ain't doing so well as some of the other boys, though I can stand on my head; but I have to put my feet against the wall. I want to do it without the wall at all!"
[Pg 79]Laying down the Law.—Lady (entertaining friend's little girl). "Do you take sugar, darling?" The Darling. "Yes, please." Lady. "How many lumps?" The Darling. "Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with cake."
[Pg 80]Tommy. "I say, Elsie, if you like, I'll come and see you every day while you are ill."
"A Soft Answer," &c.—Mamma. You are very naughty children, and I am extremely dis-satisfied with you all!
Tommy. That is a pity, mamma! We're all so thoroughly satisfied with you, you know!
Comprehensive.—Preceptor. Now, can any of you tell me anything remarkable in the life of Moses?
Boy. Yes, sir. He was the only man who broke all the commandments at once!
[Pg 81]
"I say, Bobby, just give us a shove with this 'ere parcel on to this 'ere truck, and next time yer runs me in, I'll go quiet!"
[Pg 82]Little Miss Logic.—Little Dot (to Eminent Professor of Chemistry). Are you a chemist?
Eminent Professor. Yes, my dear.
L. D. Have you got a shop with lovely large, coloured bottles in the window?
E. P. No, my dear; I don't keep a shop.
L. D. Don't you? Then I suppose you don't sell Jones's Jubilee Cough Jujubes?
E. P. No, my dear, I certainly do not.
L. D. (decidedly). I don't think I ought to talk to you any more. You can't be a respectable chemist.
E. P. Why not, my dear?
L. D. 'Cos it says on the box, "Sold by all respectable chemists."
At the School Treat.—Lady Helper (to Small Boy). Will you have some more bread-and-butter?
Small Boy. No fear, when there's kike about.
Lady Helper (trying to be kind). Cake, certainly! Will you have plum or seed?
Small Boy. Plum, in course. D'ye tike me for a canary?
[Pg 83]
Hal. "Is there anything the matter with this egg, Martha?"
Martha. "Oh no, it's only a little cracked."
Hal. "Oh! Then would the chicken that came out of it be a little mad?"
[Pg 84]Natural History.—"Oh, look, mummie! Now it's left off raining, he's come out of his kennel!"
[Pg 85]Sensible Child.—"Well, Jacky, and did you hang up your stocking for Santa Claus to fill?" "No. I hanged up muvver's!"
[Pg 86]"Look what I've bought you for a Christmas box!"
Had Him There.—Uncle Jim. Here's half a mince pie for you, Tommy. I need hardly remind a person of your classical culture that "the half is greater than the
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