Mr. Punch Afloat: The Humours of Boating and Sailing by Hammerton and Tenniel (ebook reader 8 inch TXT) đź“•
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- Author: Hammerton and Tenniel
Read book online «Mr. Punch Afloat: The Humours of Boating and Sailing by Hammerton and Tenniel (ebook reader 8 inch TXT) 📕». Author - Hammerton and Tenniel
[Pg 31]
[Pg 33]
Rescuer. "Hold on a bit! I may never get a chance like this again!"
[Pg 35]
[Pg 36]
BO'SEN JAMES AND THE GREAT SEA-SARPINTThree bold sailormen all went a-sailin'
Out into the Northern Sea,
And they steered Nor'-West by three quarters West
Till they came to Norwegee.
They was three bold men as ever you'd see,
And these was their Christian names:
There was Long-legged Bill and Curly Dick,
And the third was Bo'sen James;—
And they went to catch the Great Sea-Sarpint,
Which they wished for to stop his games.
Long-legged Bill was in the main-top a-watchin'
For Sea-Sarpints, starn and grim,
When through the lee-scupper bold Curly Dick peeped,
And he says, says he, "That's him"![Pg 37]
Then quick down the rattlins the long-legged 'un slid—
Which pale as a shrimp was he—
While Dick he rolled forrard into the cuddy,
Where Bo'sen James happened to be,
For James he was what you'd call the ship's cook,
And he was a-makin' the tea.
Then says Curly Dick, says he, "Bless my peepers!"
(Which his words were not quite those)
"Here's the Great Sea-Sarpint a-comin' aboard,
With a wart upon his nose!
Which his head's as big as the jolly-boat,
And his mouth's as wide as the Thames,
And his mane's as long as the best bower cable,
And his eyes like blazin' flames—
And he's comin' aboard right through the lee-scupper!"
"Belay there!" says Bo'sen James.
Howsever, bold Bo'sen he went down to leeward,
While Curly Dick shook with funk;
And Long-legged Bill he hid in the caboose,
A-yellin' "We'll all be sunk!"
You might a'most heard a marlinspike drop
As Bo'sen James he looked out.
Then down through the scupper his head it went,
And there came a tremenjous shout,
"Sea-Sarpint be blowed, ye darned landlubbers!
Who's left this here mop hangin' out?"
A Word to the Y.'s at Henley.—Try again; you will be Yale-fellow, well met!
[Pg 38]
HINTS FOR HENLEY (At the Service of Visitors wishing to be comfortable)Take care to be invited to the best situated houseboat.
If you can, get permission to ask a few friends to join your host's party at luncheon.
Be sure to secure the pleasantest seat, the most amusing neighbour, and all the periodicals.
If you are conversationally inclined, monopolise the talk, and if you are not, plead a headache for keeping every one silent.
Mind that "No. 1" is your particular numerical distinction, and that the happiness of the rest of the world is a negligible quantity.
If you are a man, keep smoking cigars and sipping refreshing beverages until it is time to eat and drink seriously; if you are of the other sex, flirt, chatter, or sleep, as the impulse moves you.
And when you are quite, quite sure that you have nothing better to do, give a glance to the racing!
[Pg 39]
Jones (who is not feeling very well). "How long did you say it would take us to get back?"
Boatman. "'Bout 'n 'our an' a 'arf agin this tide."
[Pg 40]
HOW TO ENJOY LIFE ON THE RIVERGet a houseboat and be sure that it is water-tight and free from rats and other unpleasant visitors.
Take care that your servants have no objection to roughing it, and can turn their hands to anything usually supplied in town by the stores.
Accustom yourself to food in tins and bottles, and learn to love insects with or without wings.
Acclimatise yourself to mists and fogs and rainy days, and grow accustomed to reading papers four days old and the advertisements of out-of-date railway guides.
Try to love the pleasures of a regatta. Do not quarrel with the riparian owners or the possessors of other houseboats. Enjoy the pleasantries of masked musicians, and take an intelligent interest in the racing. Illuminate freely, and do your best to avoid a fire or an explosion. And if you have fireworks, don't sort them out with the light of a[Pg 41] blazing squib or some illuminant of a similar character.
Be good, and mild and long-suffering. Rest satisfied with indifferently cooked food, damp sheets, and wearisome companions. And make the best of storms of rain and hurricanes of wind. In fact, bear everything, and grin when you can't laugh.
Another and a better way.—Put up at a comfortable riparian hotel, and when the weather is against you, run up to town and give a wide berth to the Thames and its miseries.
[Pg 42]
NAUTICAL MANŒUVRES (Described by a Landlubber)Sailing in the Wind's Eye.—In order to accomplish this difficult manœuvre, you must first of all discover where the wind's eye is, and then, if it be practicable, you may proceed to sail in it. It is presumed for this purpose that the wind's eye is a "liquid" one.
Hugging the Shore.—When you desire to hug the shore, you first of all must land on it. Then take some sand and shingle in your arms, and give it a good hug. In doing this, however, be careful no one sees you, or the result of the manœuvre may be a strait-waistcoat.
Wearing a Ship.—This it is by no means an easy thing to do, and it is difficult to suggest what will make it easier. Wearing a chignon is preposterous enough, but when a man is told that he must wear a ship, he would next expect to hear that he must eat the Monument.
Boxing the Compass.—Assume a fighting attitude,[Pg 44] and hit the compass a "smart stinger on the dial-plate," as the sporting papers call it. But before you do so, you had best take care to have your boxing-gloves on, or you may hurt your fingers.
Whistling for a Wind.—When you whistle for a wind, you should choose an air appropriate, such as "Blow, gentle gales," or "Winds, gently whisper."
Reefing the Lee-scuppers.—First get upon a reef, and then put your lee-scuppers on it. The manœuvre is so simple, that no more need be said of it.
Splicing the Main-brace.—When your main-brace comes in pieces, get a needle and thread and splice it. If it be your custom to wear a pair of braces, you first must ascertain which of them is your main one.
A Delicate Hint.Brighton Boatman. "There's a wessel out there, sir, a labourin' a good deal, sir! Ah, sir, sailors works werry 'ard—precious 'ard lines it is for the poor fellers out there!—Precious hard it is for everybody just now. I know I should like the price of a pint o' beer and a bit o' bacca!"
[Pg 43]
Scene—A quiet nook, five miles off anywhere. Jones has gone down to the punt to fetch up the luncheon-basket, and has dropped it overboard.
PUZZLE.—What to do—or say?—except——[Pg 45]
[Pg 46]
WHAT NO ONE SHOULD FORGET, IN CROSSING THE CHANNELTo place his rugs, carpet-bags, and umbrellas on the six best seats on the boat.
To worry the captain with remarks about the state of the weather and the performance of the steamer: to observe to the steward that there is a change in the weather, and that there were more passengers the last time he crossed.
To speak to the man at the wheel, and ask him whether there was much sea on last trip.
To change his last half-crown into French money, and squabble with the steward as to the rate of exchange.
To stare at his neighbours, read aloud their names on their luggage, and remark audibly that he'll lay anything the lady with the slight twang is an American.
To repeat the ancient joke on "Back her! stop her!"
If the passage is rough, to put his feet on his[Pg 48] neighbour's head, after appropriating all the cushions in the cabin.
To call for crockery in time. N.B.—Most important.
To groan furiously for an hour and a half, if a sufferer; or, if utterly callous to waves and their commotions, to eat beef and ham, and drink porter and brandy-and-water, during the entire voyage, with as much clattering of forks and noise of mastication as is compatible with enjoyment.
To kiss his hand, on entering the harbour, to the matelottes on the quays, or send his love in bad French to the Prefect of Police.
To struggle for a front place, in crowding off the steamer, as if the ship was on fire. And finally—
To answer every one who addresses him in good English in the worst possible French.
"What with the horse-boats," said Mrs. Ramsbotham, "the steam-lunches, the condolers, the out-ragers, the Canadian caboose, and the banyans, we had the greatest difficulty, at Henley, in getting from one side of the river to the other."
[Pg 47]
[Pg 49]
A new flexible, patent-jointed, vertebral outrigger. (Seen—and drawn—by our artist (the festive one), after an unusually scrumptious lunch on board a houseboat at Henley).
[Pg 50]
Egeria. "Surely, Mr. Swinson, it must have been here, and on such a day as this, that you wrote those lines that end—
"'Give me the white-maned steeds to ride,
The Arabs of the main'——wasn't it?"
Mr. Swinson (faintly). "N-no. Reading party—half-way up Matterhorn!"
THE SILVER TEMS!The butiful River's a-running to Town,
It never runs up, but allers runs down,
Weather it rains, or weather it snos;
And where it all cums from, noboddy nose.
The young swell Boatmen drest in white,
To their Mothers' arts must be a delite;
At roein or skullin the gals is sutch dabs,
For they makes no Fowls and they ketches no Crabs.[Pg 51]
The payshent hangler sets in a punt,
Willee ketch kold? I hopes as he wunt.
I wotches him long, witch I states is fax,
He dont ketch nothin but Ticklebacks.
The prudent Ferryman sets under cover,
Waiting to take me from one shore to t'other;
I calls out "Hover!" and hover he roes,
If he aint sober then hover we goes.
When it's poring with rane and a tempest a-blowin,
A penny don't seem mutch for this here rowin;
And wen the River's as ruff as the Sea,
I thinks of the two I'd sooner be me.
For when I'm at work at Ampton or Lea,
Waitin at dinner, or waitin at tea,
I gits as much from a yewthful Pair
As he gits in a day for all that there.
Then let me bless my lucky Star
That made me a Waiter and not a Tar;
And the werry nex time I've a glass of old Sherry,
I'll drink to the pore chap as roes that 'ere Ferry.
Robert.
Very Low Form on the part of Father Thames.Boy (standing in mid-stream at Kew, to boating party). "'Ere ye are! Tow ye up to Richmond Lock! All by water, sir!"
[Pg 52]
PUNCH'S NAVAL SONGSTERIt is a well-known fact that the songs of Dibdin had a wonderful effect on the courage of the Navy, and there is no doubt that the Ben Blocks, Ben Backstays, Tom
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