Mike by P. G. Wodehouse (readnow .txt) 📕

ten seconds in which to rise.  Are you ready, Comrades Adair and Jackson?  Very well, then.  Time.”

After which, it was a pity that the actual fight did not quite live up to its referee’s introduction.  Dramatically, there should have been cautious sparring for openings and a number of tensely contested rounds, as if it had been the final of a boxing competition.  But school fights, when they do occur—­which is only once in a decade nowadays, unless you count junior school scuffles—­are the outcome of weeks of suppressed bad blood, and are consequently brief and furious.  In a boxing competition, however much one may want to win, one does not dislike one’s opponent.  Up to the moment when “time” was called, one was probably warmly attached to him, and at the end of the last round one expects to resume that attitude of mind.  In a fight each party, as a rule, hates the other.

So it happened that there was nothing formal or cautious about the present battle.  All Adair wanted was to get at Mike, and all Mike wanted was to get at Adair.  Directly Psmith called “time,” they rushed together as if they meant to end the thing in half a minute.

It was this that saved Mike.  In an ordinary contest with the gloves, with his opponent cool and boxing in his true form, he could not have lasted three rounds against Adair.  The latter was a clever boxer, while Mike had never had a lesson in his life.  If Adair had kept away and used his head, nothing could have prevented him winning.

As it was, however, he threw away his advantages, much as Tom Brown did at the beginning of his fight with Slogger Williams, and the result was the same as on that historic occasion.  Mike had the greater strength, and, thirty seconds from the start, knocked his man clean off his feet with an unscientific but powerful right-hander.

This finished Adair’s chances.  He rose full of fight, but with all the science knocked out of him.  He went in at Mike with both hands.  The Irish blood in him, which for the ordinary events of life made him merely energetic and dashing, now rendered him reckless.  He abandoned all attempt at guarding.  It was the Frontal Attack in its most futile form, and as unsuccessful as a frontal attack is apt to be.  There was a swift exchange of blows, in the course of which Mike’s left elbow, coming into contact with his opponent’s right fist, got a shock which kept it tingling for the rest of the day; and then Adair went down in a heap.

He got up slowly and with difficulty.  For a moment he stood blinking vaguely.  Then he lurched forward at Mike.

In the excitement of a fight—­which is, after all, about the most exciting thing that ever happens to one in the course of one’s life—­it is difficult for the fighters to see what the spectators see.  Where the spectators see an assault on an already beaten man, the fighter himself only sees a legitimate piece of self-defence against an opponent whose chances are equal to his own.  Psmith saw, as anybody looking on would have seen, that Adair was done.  Mike’s blow had taken him within a fraction of an inch of the point of the jaw, and he was all but knocked out.  Mike could not see this.  All he understood was that his man was on his feet again and coming at him, so he hit out with all his strength; and this time Adair went down and stayed down.

“Brief,” said Psmith, coming forward, “but exciting.  We may take that, I think, to be the conclusion of the entertainment.  I will now have a dash at picking up the slain.  I shouldn’t stop, if I were you.  He’ll be sitting up and taking notice soon, and if he sees you he may want to go on with the combat, which would do him no earthly good.  If it’s going to be continued in our next, there had better be a bit of an interval for alterations and repairs first.”

“Is he hurt much, do you think?” asked Mike.  He had seen knock-outs before in the ring, but this was the first time he had ever effected one on his own account, and Adair looked unpleasantly corpse-like.

“He’s all right,” said Psmith.  “In a minute or two he’ll be skipping about like a little lambkin.  I’ll look after him.  You go away and pick flowers.”

Mike put on his coat and walked back to the house.  He was conscious of a perplexing whirl of new and strange emotions, chief among which was a curious feeling that he rather liked Adair.  He found himself thinking that Adair was a good chap, that there was something to be said for his point of view, and that it was a pity he had knocked him about so much.  At the same time, he felt an undeniable thrill of pride at having beaten him.  The feat presented that interesting person, Mike Jackson, to him in a fresh and pleasing light, as one who had had a tough job to face and had carried it through.  Jackson, the cricketer, he knew, but Jackson, the deliverer of knock-out blows, was strange to him, and he found this new acquaintance a man to be respected.

The fight, in fact, had the result which most fights have, if they are fought fairly and until one side has had enough.  It revolutionised Mike’s view of things.  It shook him up, and drained the bad blood out of him.  Where, before, he had seemed to himself to be acting with massive dignity, he now saw that he had simply been sulking like some wretched kid.  There had appeared to him something rather fine in his policy of refusing to identify himself in any way with Sedleigh, a touch of the stone-walls-do-not-a-prison-make sort of thing.  He now saw that his attitude was to be summed up in the words, “Sha’n’t play.”

It came upon Mike with painful clearness that he had been making an ass of himself.

He had come to this conclusion, after much earnest thought, when Psmith entered the study.

“How’s Adair?” asked Mike.

“Sitting up and taking nourishment once more.  We have been chatting.  He’s not a bad cove.”

“He’s all right,” said Mike.

There was a pause.  Psmith straightened his tie.

“Look here,” he said, “I seldom interfere in terrestrial strife, but it seems to me that there’s an opening here for a capable peace-maker, not afraid of work, and willing to give his services in exchange for a comfortable home.  Comrade Adair’s rather a stoutish fellow in his way.  I’m not much on the ‘Play up for the old school, Jones,’ game, but every one to his taste.  I shouldn’t have thought anybody would get overwhelmingly attached to this abode of wrath, but Comrade Adair seems to have done it.  He’s all for giving Sedleigh a much-needed boost-up.  It’s not a bad idea in its way.  I don’t see why one shouldn’t humour him.  Apparently he’s been sweating since early childhood to buck the school up.  And as he’s leaving at the end of the term, it mightn’t be a scaly scheme to give him a bit of a send-off, if possible, by making the cricket season a bit of a banger.  As a start, why not drop him a line to say that you’ll play against the M.C.C. to-morrow?”

Mike did not reply at once.  He was feeling better disposed towards Adair and Sedleigh than he had felt, but he was not sure that he was quite prepared to go as far as a complete climb-down.

“It wouldn’t be a bad idea,” continued Psmith.  “There’s nothing like giving a man a bit in every now and then.  It broadens the soul and improves the action of the skin.  What seems to have fed up Comrade Adair, to a certain extent, is that Stone apparently led him to understand that you had offered to give him and Robinson places in your village team.  You didn’t, of course?”

“Of course not,” said Mike indignantly.

“I told him he didn’t know the old noblesse oblige spirit of the Jacksons.  I said that you would scorn to tarnish the Jackson escutcheon by not playing the game.  My eloquence convinced him.  However, to return to the point under discussion, why not?”

“I don’t—­What I mean to say—­” began Mike.

“If your trouble is,” said Psmith, “that you fear that you may be in unworthy company——­”

“Don’t be an ass.”

“——­Dismiss it. I am playing.”

Mike stared.

“You’re what?  You?”

“I,” said Psmith, breathing on a coat-button, and polishing it with his handkerchief.

“Can you play cricket?”

“You have discovered,” said Psmith, “my secret sorrow.”

“You’re rotting.”

“You wrong me, Comrade Jackson.”

“Then why haven’t you played?”

“Why haven’t you?”

“Why didn’t you come and play for Lower Borlock, I mean?”

“The last time I played in a village cricket match I was caught at point by a man in braces.  It would have been madness to risk another such shock to my system.  My nerves are so exquisitely balanced that a thing of that sort takes years off my life.”

“No, but look here, Smith, bar rotting.  Are you really any good at cricket?”

“Competent judges at Eton gave me to understand so.  I was told that this year I should be a certainty for Lord’s.  But when the cricket season came, where was I?  Gone.  Gone like some beautiful flower that withers in the night.”

“But you told me you didn’t like cricket.  You said you only liked watching it.”

“Quite right.  I do.  But at schools where cricket is compulsory you have to overcome your private prejudices.  And in time the thing becomes a habit.  Imagine my feelings when I found that I was degenerating, little by little, into a slow left-hand bowler with a swerve.  I fought against it, but it was useless, and after a while I gave up the struggle, and drifted with the stream.  Last year, in a house match”—­Psmith’s voice took on a deeper tone of melancholy—­“I took seven for thirteen in the second innings on a hard wicket.  I did think, when I came here, that I had found a haven of rest, but it was not to be.  I turn out to-morrow.  What Comrade Outwood will say, when he finds that his keenest archaeological disciple has deserted, I hate to think.  However——­”

Mike felt as if a young and powerful earthquake had passed.  The whole face of his world had undergone a quick change.  Here was he, the recalcitrant, wavering on the point of playing for the school, and here was Psmith, the last person whom he would have expected to be a player, stating calmly that he had been in the running for a place in the Eton eleven.

Then in a flash Mike understood.  He was not by nature intuitive, but he read Psmith’s mind now.  Since the term began, he and Psmith had been acting on precisely similar motives.  Just as he had been disappointed of the captaincy of cricket at Wrykyn, so had Psmith been disappointed of his place in the Eton team at Lord’s.  And they had both worked it off, each in his own way—­Mike sullenly, Psmith whimsically, according to their respective natures—­on Sedleigh.

If Psmith, therefore, did not consider it too much of a climb-down to renounce his resolution not to play for Sedleigh, there was nothing to stop Mike doing so, as—­at the bottom of his heart—­he wanted to do.

“By Jove,” he said, “if you’re playing, I’ll play.  I’ll write a note to Adair now.  But, I say—­” he stopped—­“I’m hanged if I’m going to turn out and field before breakfast to-morrow.”

“That’s all right.  You won’t have to.  Adair won’t be there himself.  He’s not playing against the M.C.C.  He’s sprained his wrist.”

CHAPTER LVI

IN WHICH PEACE IS DECLARED

“Sprained his wrist?” said Mike.  “How did he do that?”

“During the brawl.  Apparently one of his efforts got home on your elbow instead of your expressive countenance, and whether it was that your elbow was particularly tough or his wrist particularly fragile, I don’t know.  Anyhow, it went.  It’s nothing bad, but it’ll keep him out of the game to-morrow.”

“I say, what beastly rough luck!  I’d no idea.  I’ll go round.”

“Not a bad scheme.  Close the door gently after you, and if you see anybody downstairs who looks as if he were likely to be going over to the shop, ask him to get me a small pot of some rare old jam and tell the man to chalk it up to me.  The jam Comrade Outwood supplies to us at tea is all right as a practical joke or as a food for those anxious to commit suicide, but useless to anybody who values life.”

On arriving at Mr. Downing’s and going to Adair’s study, Mike found that his late antagonist was out.  He left a note informing him of his willingness to play in the morrow’s match.  The lock-up bell rang as he went out of the house.

A spot of rain fell on his hand.  A moment later there was a continuous patter, as the storm, which had been gathering all day, broke in earnest.  Mike turned up his coat-collar, and ran back to Outwood’s.  “At this rate,” he said to himself, “there won’t be a match at all to-morrow.”

When the weather decides, after behaving well for some weeks, to show what it can do in