The Pursuit of the House-Boat by John Kendrick Bangs (i can read books .txt) 📕

Abeuchapeta, “just what it is that is worrying you?  You said something about feeding them, and dressing them, and keeping them in bonnets.  I fancy there’s fish enough in the sea to feed ’em; and as for their gowns and hats, they can make ’em themselves.  Every woman is a milliner at heart.”

“Exactly, and we’ll have to pay the milliners.  That is what bothers me.  I was going to lead this expedition to London, Paris, and New York, admiral.  That is where the money is, and to get it you’ve got to go ashore, to headquarters.  You cannot nowadays find it on the high seas.  Modern civilization,” said Kidd, “has ruined the pirate’s business.  The latest news from the other world has really opened my eyes to certain facts that I never dreamed of.  The conditions of the day of which I speak are interestingly shown in the experience of our friend Hawkins here.  Captain Hawkins, would you have any objection to stating to these gentlemen the condition of affairs which led you to give up piracy on the high seas?”

“Not the slightest, Captain Kidd,” returned Captain Hawkins, who was a recent arrival in Hades.  “It is a sad little story, and it gives me a pain for to think on it, but none the less I’ll tell it, since you ask me.  When I were a mere boy, fellow-pirates, I had but one ambition, due to my readin’, which was confined to stories of a Sunday-school nater—to become somethin’ different from the little Willies an’ the clever Tommies what I read about therein.  They was all good, an’ they went to their reward too soon in life for me, who even in them days regarded death as a stuffy an’ unpleasant diversion.  Learnin’ at an early period that virtue was its only reward, an’ a-wish-in’ others, I says to myself: ‘Jim,’ says I, ‘if you wishes to become a magnet in this village, be sinful.  If so be as you are a good boy, an’ kind to your sister an’ all other animals, you’ll end up as a prosperous father with fifteen hundred a year sure, with never no hope for no public preferment beyond bein’ made the super-intendent of the Sunday-school; but if so be as how you’re bad, you may become famous, an’ go to Congress, an’ have your picture in the Sunday noospapers.’  So I looks around for books tellin’ how to get ‘Famous in Fifty Ways,’ an’ after due reflection I settles in my mind that to be a pirate’s just the thing for me, seein’ as how it’s both profitable an’ healthy.  Pass-in’ over details, let me tell you that I became a pirate.  I ran away to sea, an’ by dint of perseverance, as the Sunday-school book useter say, in my badness I soon became the centre of a evil lot; an’ when I says to ’em, ‘Boys, I wants to be a pirate chief,’ they hollers back, loud like, ‘Jim, we’re with you,’ an’ they was.  For years I was the terror of the Venezuelan Gulf, the Spanish Main, an’ the Pacific seas, but there was precious little money into it.  The best pay I got was from a Sunday noospaper which paid me well to sign an article on ‘Modern Piracy’ which I didn’t write.  Finally business got so bad the crew began to murmur, an’ I was at my wits’ ends to please ’em; when one mornin’, havin’ passed a restless night, I picks up a noospaper and sees in it that ‘Next Saturday’s steamer is a weritable treasure-ship, takin’ out twelve million dollars, and the jewels of a certain prima donna valued at five hundred thousand.’  ‘Here’s my chance,’ says I, an’ I goes to sea and lies in wait for the steamer.  I captures her easy, my crew bein’ hungry, an’ fightin according like.  We steals the box a-hold-in’ the jewels an’ the bag containin’ the millions, hustles back to our own ship, an’ makes for our rondyvoo, me with two bullets in my leg, four o’ my crew killed, and one engin’ of my ship disabled by a shot—but happy.  Twelve an’ a half millions at one break is enough to make anybody happy.”

“I should say so,” said Abeuchapeta, with an ecstatic shake of his head.  “I didn’t get that in all my career.”

“Nor I,” sighed Kidd.  “But go on, Hawkins.”

“Well, as I says,” continued Captain Hawkins, “we goes to the rondyvoo to look over our booty.  ‘Captain ’Awkins,’ says my valet—for I was a swell pirate, gents, an’ never travelled nowhere without a man to keep my clothes brushed and the proper wrinkles in my trousers—‘this ’ere twelve millions,’ says he, ‘is werry light,’ says he, carryin’ the bag ashore.  ‘I don’t care how light it is, so long as it’s twelve millions, Henderson,’ says I; but my heart sinks inside o’ me at his words, an’ the minute we lands I sits down to investigate right there on the beach.  I opens the bag, an’ it’s the one I was after—but the twelve millions!”

“Weren’t there?” cried Conrad.

“Yes, they was there,” sighed Hawkins, “but every bloomin’ million was represented by a certified check, an’ payable in London!”

“By Jingo!” cried Morgan.  “What fearful luck!  But you had the prima donna’s jewels.”

“Yes,” said Hawkins, with a moan.  “But they was like all other prima donna’s jewels—for advertisin’ purposes only, an’ made o’ gum-arabic!”

“Horrible!” said Abeuchapeta.  “And the crew, what did they say?”

“They was a crew of a few words,” sighed Hawkins.  “Werry few words, an’ not a civil word in the lot—mostly adjectives of a profane kind.  When I told ’em what had happened, they got mad at Fortune for a-jiltin’ of ’em, an’—well, I came here.  I was ’sas’inated that werry night!”

“They killed you?” cried Morgan.

“A dozen times,” nodded Hawkins.  “They always was a lavish lot.  I met death in all its most horrid forms.  First they stabbed me, then they shot me, then they clubbed me, and so on, endin’ up with a lynchin’—but I didn’t mind much after the first, which hurt a bit.  But now that I’m here I’m glad it happened.  This life is sort of less responsible than that other.  You can’t hurt a ghost by shooting him, because there ain’t nothing to hurt, an’ I must say I like bein’ a mere vision what everybody can see through.”

“All of which interesting tale proves what?” queried Abeuchapeta.

“That piracy on the sea is not profitable in these days of the check banking system,” said Kidd.  “If you can get a chance at real gold it’s all right, but it’s of no earthly use to steal checks that people can stop payment on.  Therefore it was my plan to visit the cities and do a little freebooting there, where solid material wealth is to be found.”

“Well?  Can’t we do it now?” asked Abeuchapeta.

“Not with these women tagging after us,” returned Kidd.  “If we went to London and lifted the whole Bank of England, these women would have it spent on Regent Street inside of twenty-four hours.”

“Then leave them on board,” said Abeuchapeta.

“And have them steal the ship!” retorted Kidd.  “No.  There are but two things to do.  Take ’em back, or land them in Paris.  Tell them to spend a week on shore while we are provisioning.  Tell ’em to shop to their hearts’ content, and while they are doing it we can sneak off and leave them stranded.”

“Splendid!” cried Morgan.

“But will they consent?” asked Abeuchapeta.

“Consent!  To shop?  In Paris?  For a week?” cried Morgan.

“Ha, ha!” laughed Hawkins.  “Will they consent!  Will a duck swim?”

And so it was decided, which was the first incident in the career of the House-boat upon which the astute Mr. Sherlock Holmes had failed to count.

p. 89VI
A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS

When, with a resounding slam, the door to the upper deck of the House-boat was shut in the faces of queens Elizabeth and Cleopatra by the unmannerly Kidd, these ladies turned and gazed at those who thronged the stairs behind them in blank amazement, and the heart of Xanthippe, had one chosen to gaze through that diaphanous person’s ribs, could have been seen to beat angrily.

Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude towards her regal self that, having turned, she sat down plump upon the floor in the most unroyal fashion.

“Well!” she ejaculated.  “If this does not surpass everything!  The idea of it!  Oh for one hour of my olden power, one hour of the axe, one hour of the block!”

“Get up,” retorted Cleopatra, “and let us all return to the billiard-room and discuss this matter calmly.  It is quite evident that something has happened of which we wotted little when we came aboard this craft.”

“That is a good idea,” said Calpurnia, retreating below.  “I can see through the window that we are in motion.  The vessel has left her moorings, and is making considerable headway down the stream, and the distinctly masculine voices we have heard are indications to my mind that the ship is manned, and that this is the result of design rather than of accident.  Let us below.”

Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the excitement of the moment had been forced to assume a position about her forehead which gave one the impression that its royal wearer had suddenly donned a sombrero.

“Very well,” she said.  “Let us below; but oh, for the axe!”

“Bring the lady an axe,” cried Xanthippe, sarcastically.  “She wants to cut somebody.”

The sally was not greeted with applause.  The situation was regarded as being too serious to admit of humor, and in silence they filed back into the billiard-room, and, arranging themselves in groups, stood about anxiously discussing the situation.

“It’s getting rougher every minute,” sobbed Ophelia.  “Look at those pool-balls!”  These were in very truth chasing each other about the table in an extraordinary fashion.  “And I wish I’d never followed you horrid new creatures on board!” the poor girl added, in an agony of despair.

“I believe we’ve crossed the bar already!” said Cleopatra, gazing out of the window at a nasty choppy sea that was adding somewhat to the disquietude of the fair gathering.  “If this is merely a joke on the part of the Associated Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think it is time it should cease.”

“Oh, for an axe!” moaned Elizabeth, again.

“Excuse me, your Majesty,” put in Xanthippe.  “You said that before, and I must say it is getting tiresome.  You couldn’t do anything with an axe.  Suppose you had one.  What earthly good would it do you, who were accustomed to doing all your killing by proxy?  I don’t believe, if you had the unmannerly person who slammed the door in your face lying prostrate upon the billiard-table here, you could hit him a square blow in the neck if you had a hundred axes.  Delilah might as well cry for her scissors, for all the good it would do us in our predicament.  If Cleopatra had her asp with her it might be more to the purpose.  One deadly little snake like that let loose on the upper deck would doubtless drive these boors into the sea, and even then our condition would not be bettered, for there isn’t any of us that can sail a boat.  There isn’t an old salt among us.”

“Too bad Mrs. Lot isn’t along,” giggled Marguerite de Valois, whose Gallic spirits were by no means overshadowed by the unhappy predicament in which she found herself.

“I’m here,” piped up Mrs. Lot.  “But I’m not that kind of a salt.”

“I am present,” said Mrs. Noah.  “Though why I ever came I don’t know, for I vowed the minute I set my foot on Ararat that dry land was good enough for me, and that I’d never step aboard another boat as long as I lived.  If, however, now that I am here, I can give you the benefit of my nautical experience, you are all perfectly welcome to it.”

“I’m sure we’re very much obliged for the offer,” said Portia, “but in the emergency which has arisen we cannot say how much obliged we are until we know what your experience amounted to.  Before relying upon you we ought to know how far that reliance can go—not that I lack confidence in you, my dear madam, but that in an hour of peril one must take care, to rely upon the oak, not upon the reed.”

“The point is properly taken,” said Elizabeth, “and I wish to say here that I am easier in my mind when I realize that we have with us so level-headed a person as the lady who has just spoken.  She has spoken truly and to the point.  If I were to become queen again, I should make her my attorney-general.  We must not go ahead impulsively, but look at all