Writings @ Ankur Mutreja by Ankur Mutreja (general ebook reader .TXT) 📕

Chapter 1.1.13: Muthalik Kahin WOH to Nahin?

Pramod Muthalik was participating in a television discussion on Valentine’s Day, when a man ran towards him with an ink bottle and threw it in his face.
“I will find him, whichever corner he is in. I will reply in the same way,” said Muthalik.

This is completely unfair towards girls. When they sent him their pink chaddis, he didn’t offer them his saffron langot. Now, when some guy has played Holi with him, he wants to return the favor in kind. Muthalik kahin WOH to nahin?

Chapter 1.1.14: Mr. Singh Wants Size Zero Ministers

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s novel scheme of grading each ministry’s performance and giving a ‘zero’ to those ministries who have failed to achieve even 60 per cent of their targets has not gone down well with the ministers in his Cabinet.

Put your ministers on a strict diet and an aerobic routine. That’s a better way to get size zero. Anyways, being the monitor of the class, you can do whatever you want.

Chapter 1.1.15: In Re: Cop v. Dog

It was two men in khaki versus a woman and her dog at district’s Bhagwanpura village.

Head Constable Gulab Thakur and Constable Karan were in the village searching for an absconder. They got into a dispute with Buddhu Korku and his wife Rukmini. Rukmini first bit the head constable and then made her dog bite him. She then tore their uniforms.A case was registered against the couple.

What about the Dog? No case against it! I’m sure it must have also acted in territorial self-interest!

Chapter 1.1.16: No Dogs in Major's House Please

Kerala Chief Minister V S Achuthanandan’s controversial remark against the family of slained NSG Commando Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan has evoked widespread condemnation.

He had said ”is there any rule that both the Karnataka Chief Minister and Kerala Chief Minister should go together to his (Sandeep’s) home? Not even adogwould have visited the house had it not been the martyr.”

Mr. Achuthanandan is wrong. If Major Unnikrishnan were alive, no dog would have dared go to his house or barked on being shooed away.

Chapter 1.1.17: NASA's Softdrink

NASA is launching a machine aboard the space shuttle Endeavour, which will recycle astronauts’ urine for consumption as water.

“We did blind taste tests of the water. Nobody had any strong objections. Other than a faint taste of iodine, it is just as refreshing as any other kind of water,” the Telegraph quoted NASA’s Bob Bagdigian, the system’s lead engineer, as saying.

“I’ve got some in my fridge. It tastes fine to me,” he added.

What an ENDEAVOUR! NASA can very soon start a soft drink business in competition to Pepsi/Coke. But don’t export anything to India, please.

Chapter 1.1.18: Is RBI Acting as Banker to India Inc Also!

India Inc gave a thumbs up to the Central Bank’s decision to undertake another round of drastic measures to ease liquidity in the financial system, including reducing repo rate by 0.5 per cent, CRR further by one percentage point and SLR by one per cent, saying this will have a positive impact on growth at a time when early signs of a global recession are on the horizon.

I don’t understand where all this money goes on easing liquidity; it must be going in the pockets of India Inc. I feel the pinch in my pocket even more with the increased liquidity because of the growing inflation. The Central Bank seems to be complying diligently with the demands of India Inc, but isn’t it supposed to be the banker to the Govt. of India! Is India Inc the proxy Government of India, for whom RBI generates money not by printing currency, but by easing liquidity!

Chapter 1.1.19: Riznawur Commited Suicide by Marrying a Rich HINDU Girl

The CBI has secured suspension of passports of Ashok Todi and his brother for their alleged role ininciting Rizwanur Rehman to suicidelast year, a month after his marriage to the industrialist’s daughter.

Has CBI gone nuts? As far as I remember, Rizwanur committed suicide at the first place by marrying the daughter of a rich HINDU industrialist. How can Todis be held responsible for it! Ya, OK, he was adamant not to die and wanted to save his marriage, and, thereafter, he died under mysterious circumstances. So, are you saying the mysterious death of Rizwanur was suicide, and the pressure of the Todis on Riznawur to annul the marriage was an incitement! Come on! Why would powerful people like Todis incite him to suicide when they can so very easily kill him, with all state machinery also expected to help them in first murdering him and then saving them from getting charge sheeted for any murder charges.

Chapter 1.1.20: Thackereys Should only Warn Each Other for Humanity Sake

Shiv Sena chief Bal Thackeray today warned all the industries not to retrench the people in the name of economic recession worldwide or else they will have to face severe repercussions. He lashed out at his estranged nephew, Raj, for staking claim over the reinstatement issue and questioned his childish ways, describing him as the newly born bird on the political horizon.

Bal Thackerey goes a step further and warns not only the Aviation but all industries. Now, what is Raj Thackerey gonna do? Best warn your uncle: Given he is so powerful, you will become even more powerful by warning him. This way so many less powerful people of the corporate world like Tatas, Ambanis, Birlas, etc, who are so scared of the Thackereys, will also feel safe and secured -- and the kids of the political horizon will also carry on.

Chapter 1.1.21: Side Effects of US Subprime Crisis: Bail-Out Package for IT Professionals

The global recessionary trends have affected the young employees of the Indian software industry in Hyderabad in more than one-way. While on one hand it is has spelt job loss fear, on the other hand, the parents of brides-to-be are no longer in search of IT grooms for their daughters.

A mother of a would-be bride said she would prefer non-IT professionals for her daughter seeing the latest trend.

“It fluctuates. Day-to-day it can change. What is happening now could be a short phase,” said Sharda Singh, mother of a would- be bride.

A father of a would-be bride expressed his concern too saying these ups and downs are bound to take place in any economy.

“There will be some ups and downs in anybody’s life like that any sector in a country or the world can also have its ups and downs,” said Rama Rao, father of a would be bride.

Some parents said they did not want to take interest in the marriage proposals of IT professionals any more as they were too scared of recessionary trends. “I am very afraid of its effects,” said S Krishna, father of a would- be bride.

After bailout packages for banks, airlines, industries, etc, we need a bailout package for IT professionals. The US Sub-Prime Crisis is affecting India more than it is affecting the US.

Chapter 1.1.22: Shiv Sena Focuses Its Attention on More Vital Issues

Taking a serious note of cricketer Harbhajan Singh’s dance as ‘Ravana’ on a TV show, Shiv Sena (Hindustan) raised anti-Bhajji slogans and burnt his posters in front of his residence in Daulat Puri area demanding an unconditional apology.

Lord Shiva would be happy today. At least there is one political party which is not selfish enough to waste its time on trivial issues like Global Financial Crisis, Inflation, Nuke Deal, Global Warming, Poverty, etc, but, rather, focuses its attention on the more vital issue of checking Ravana from becoming popular.

Chapter 1.1.23: India Marrying a Dead Corpse

The elation among members of the US business lobby and Indian American community leaders after President Bush signed the US-India civilian nuclear deal legislation into law in the East Room of the White House was almost uncontrollable.
Swadesh Chatterjee, the founder and coordinator of the US-India Friendship Council, said: “Such things don’t happen very often. This is absolutely our greatest moment as I said before after the Senate vote, in the US-India relationship and I am so proud to be an Indian American and to be part of this great history-making event.”

History is definitely going to be made. India will become the first country ever to marry a dead corpse and then set herself afire in the old Indian Sati tradition.

Chapter 1.1.24: Hooda Is Innovative

Maharashtra offers Tatas red carpet for Nano plant

Andhra Pradesh offers free land for Nano project

Gujarat joins race to get Nano project

Punjab to approach Tata for Nano project

Khanduri offers Tatas to bring Nano to Uttarakhand

Yeddyurappa woos Tata for housing Nano project in K’taka

Rajasthan joins bid to woo Tata’s Nano project

Naveen Patnaik invites Tata to set up Nano project in Orissa

Jharkhand government criticised for not enticing Tatas enough

Madhya Pradesh invites Tata to set up Nano plant

Hooda invites Swami Ramdev to set up Yoga University

HOODA IS INNOVATIVE

Chapter 1.1.25: Defintition of Patriot

VHP General Secretary Prof Venkatesh Abdeo ridiculed the demand of a ban on the VHP and Bajarang Dal. Talking to mediapersons, Mr Abdeo said ”the people who are demanding this ban are going and meeting the terrorists and even demanding that the ban on SIMI should be lifted.” He said these people will never understand the difference between traitors and patriots.

VHP is to be blamed. They never defined a patriot in clear terms. Anyways, I will try to define a patriot without prejudice to the definition of a terrorist:

1) Those who take state machinery like police, administration, ministers, etc, into confidence before launching terror attacks are patriots.

2) Those who can buy media into presenting a better picture for themselves are patriots.
3) Those who kill openly and brutally with swords & daggers without caring about planting bombs are patriots.

4) Those who justify killing as mass upheaval or as any other fancy term are patriots.
5) Those who are democratically elected killers oops politicians are patriots.

6) Those who help intelligence agencies in identifying terrorists and are never identified as terrorists themselves are patriots.

Chapter 1.1.26: Navratra in White

People in Rajkot have started bookingcolourful dressesfor the Garba on the occasion of Navratra. “I will wear nine different dresses during the next ten days. I have come to make a selection for that purpose so that judges look at me and elect me the prince during the festive dance,” said Malai Kotak,