The Humbugs of the World by P. T. Barnum (best contemporary novels .TXT) ๐
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โHumbugโโฆ I wonโt believe it,โ is Scroogeโs response when confronted by the ghost of his dead partner Jacob Marley in A Christmas Carol, and just as surely as Dickens knows that ghosts are humbugs, so too does P. T. Barnum, writing a generation later. For Barnum, humbug begins in the Garden of Eden with the temptation of Eve, and permeates all of history, through every age and in every nation, right down to his own time, where the โGreat Spirit Postmasterโ publishes ghost letters from veterans recently perished in the Civil War.
Barnum himself was often called the โPrince of Humbugs,โ but he was no cynic. In this book he sets out to make his fellow citizens a little wiser via a catalog of colorful characters and events, and mocking commentaries about how a sensible person should be more skeptical. He goes after all kinds of classic humbugs like ghosts, witches, and spiritualists, but he also calls humbug on shady investment schemes, hoaxes, swindlers, guerrilla marketers, and political dirty tricksters, before shining a light on the patent medicines of his day, impure foods, and adulterated drinks. As a raconteur, Barnum is conversational and avuncular, sharing the wisdom of his years and opening an intimate window into the New England of the mid-19th century.
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- Author: P. T. Barnum
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โMr. Barnum, I am not the man I was five years ago. Then I felt able to stand the hug of any grizzly living, and was always glad to encounter, single-handed, any sort of an animal that dared present himself. But I have been beaten to a jelly, torn almost limb from limb, and nearly chawed up and spit out by these treacherous grizzly bears. However, I am good for a few months yet, and by that time I hope we shall gain enough to make my old woman comfortable, for I have been absent from her some years.โ
His wife came from Massachusetts to New York, and nursed him. Dr. Johns dressed his wounds every day, and not only told Adams he could never recover, but assured his friends that probably a very few weeks would lay him in his grave.
But Adams was as firm as adamant and as resolute as a lion. Among the thousands who saw him dressed in his grotesque hunterโs suit, and witnessed the apparent vigor with which he โperformedโ the savage monsters, beating and whipping them into apparently the most perfect docility, probably not one suspected that this rough, fierce-looking, powerful demi-savage, as he appeared to be, was suffering intense pain from his broken skull and fevered system, and that nothing kept him from stretching himself on his deathbed but that most indomitable and extraordinary will of his.
After the exhibition had been open six weeks, the Doctor insisted that Adams should sell out his share in the animals and settle up all his worldly affairs; for he assured him that he was growing weaker every day, and his earthly existence must soon terminate.
โI shall live a good deal longer than you doctors think for,โ replied Adams, doggedly; and then, seeming after all to realize the truth of the Doctorโs assertion, he turned to me and said: โWell, Mr. B., you must buy me out.โ He named his price for his half of the โshow,โ and I accepted his offer. We had arranged to exhibit the bears in Connecticut and Massachusetts during the summer, in connection with a circus, and Adams insisted that I should hire him to travel for the summer, and exhibit the bears in their curious performances. He offered to go for $60 per week and traveling expenses of himself and wife.
I replied that I would gladly engage him as long as he could stand it, but I advised him to give up business and go to his home in Massachusetts; โfor,โ I remarked, โyou are growing weaker every day, and at best cannot stand it more than a fortnight.โ
โWhat will you give me extra if I will travel and exhibit the bears every day for ten weeks?โ asked old Adams, eagerly.
โFive hundred dollars,โ I replied, with a laugh.
โDone!โ exclaimed Adams. โI will do it; so draw up an agreement to that effect at once. But mind you, draw it payable to my wife, for I may be too weak to attend to business after the ten weeks are up, and if I perform my part of the contract, I want her to get the $500 without any trouble.โ
I drew up a contract to pay him $60 per week for his services, and if he continued to exhibit the bears for ten consecutive weeks I was then to hand him, or his wife $500 extra.
โYou have lost your $500!โ exclaimed Adams on taking the contract; โfor I am bound to live and earn it.โ
โI hope you may, with all my heart, and a hundred years more if you desire it,โ I replied.
โCall me a fool if I donโt earn the $500!โ exclaimed Adams, with a triumphant laugh.
The โshowโ started off in a few days, and at the end of a fortnight I met it at Hartford, Connecticut.
โWell,โ says I, โAdams, you seem to stand it pretty well. I hope you and your wife are comfortable?โ
โYes,โ he replied, with a laugh; โand you may as well try to be comfortable too, for your $500 is a goner.โ
โAll right,โ I replied; โI hope you will grow better every day.โ
But I saw by his pale face, and other indications, that he was rapidly failing.
In three weeks more, I met him again at New Bedford, MA. It seemed to me, then, that he could not live a week, for his eyes were glassy and his hands trembled, but his pluck was great as ever.
โThis hot weather is pretty bad for me,โ he said, โbut my ten weeks are half expired, and I am good for your $500, and, probably, a month or two longer.โ
This was said with as much bravado as if he was offering to bet upon a horse-race. I offered to pay him half of the $500 if he would give up and go home; but he peremptorily declined making any compromise whatever.
I met him the ninth week in
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