Exes and Exorcisms by Keira Blackwood (animal farm read TXT) 📕

Marching to the stairs, I poked the pile with the toe of my shoe. It moved slightly, just as I’d expect a giant botanical obstacle to do.

“Peter!” I called past the abundance of blossoms. “Peter, what’s going on?”

“I had too many up here, so I put them in the hallway to share with you, sister dearest!” he responded.

“You have too many? This is too many! What are you doing?”

“I keep making them,” he said, his voice muffled. There was a spitting sound, like he was trying to keep blossoms out of his mouth. “I’m not sure how to stop.”

I turned around to look at Xavier. “What the hell is this?”

“No idea. Aren’t you glad I’ve stayed, though?”

“No.” Luckily, I had my phone tucked into my back pocket, so I pulled it out to dial Cordelia.

“It isn’t ready yet,” Cordelia said instead of the usual hello. “It takes time.”

“No, not that,” I said, eyeing Xavier, who was looking at me with curiosity. “I have a question about supernatural illnesses.”

“Oh, no,” Cordelia said.

“It’s not me, but a...vampire friend. Peter.”

“I am more than a friend, more than a trend! I am your brother from another mother!” Peter shouted through the flowery stairway.

Sighing, I continued, “Peter’s power is pestilence.”

“Poetry!” he argued. “My power is poetry!”

“And he’s kind of smelly.”

“I smell like flowers!” he shouted.

“But, as you can hear, everything is upside down with him.”

Cordelia made a thoughtful hmm sound on the other end of the line. “Everything is backwards with him?”

“Just about,” I said.

“I’d say demon possession, but Forbidden should be free of demons now. We closed up the portal a few months ago.”

“There was a demon portal here?” I asked, unable to keep the high pitch of panic from my voice.

Xavier gave a start and his eyes got big.

“Not anymore,” Cordelia said, her voice soothing. “It’s closed forever. So maybe he picked something up, somewhere else.”

“Can you check him out for me?” I asked.

“I could,” she said, “but that would slow me down on the other—”

I coughed loudly. “Okay, no worries. I think I know who to call.”

Cordelia and I hung up, and then I looked at the screen.

“Ghostbusters?” Xavier asked.

“No.” Did he ever stop making wisecracks? I closed my eyes and sent my thoughts to the phone number I heard screamed on the radio every night in Yelling Man’s abrasive voice.

With the number in mind, I typed the digits in and waited for the line to ring. I wasn’t sure anyone would answer, but someone did.

“Hello!?” he shouted.

I’d remembered the phone number correctly. “Yes, hi,” I said. “I’m calling about a supernatural problem.”

“Great! You’ve called the right place! I am an expert! It’s a demon, isn’t it?!”

Wincing, I held the phone a full foot from my ear. Even Xavier was making a pained expression, and he stood several feet away from me.

“I’m not certain if it’s a demon,” I said. “We were wondering if you could take a look—”

“Where are you?! I’ll be right there!”

I was already having doubts about this. After all, if Peter wasn’t covering me with chicken pox or herpes, why should I be trying to change him back? To Yelling Man, I said, “You know, I’m sure it’s probably fine.”

“Nonsense! Give me your location and I will bring my exorcism materials!”

I looked uncertainly at Xavier.

“I gotta meet this guy,” Xavier said, looking eager.

I had no idea why I was entertaining his curiosity, but I recited the tattoo parlor’s address to Yelling Man, who confirmed he would be here within the hour.

I’d just barely turned to Xavier to tell him to brace himself for quite a lot of yelling when the front door swung open.

“I’m here,” said a gnarled old man in a quiet voice.

I wasn’t tall, and he was even shorter than me. He had a scraggly white beard, skin like shoe leather, and a confident stance that was punctuated by the way he puffed out his chest in his pirate-style ruffle shirt. His sharp eyes shot quickly between Xavier and me, and he squeezed the strap of some kind of bag that was slung over his shoulder.

“I’m sorry—you are?”

“Ben Griff, of course,” he whispered. “You just asked for me to come. I’ve brought all of my supplies.”

It was hard to believe this was the same man who burst eardrums on the reg through his radio program. But his whispered voice did share the unique hoarse quality I had heard night after night on his program.

“Supplies?” I asked.

He gestured toward his bag, which appeared to be of the golfing variety, and I felt my eyebrows go up. Sure enough, there were no golf clubs sticking over the edge of the bag. He pointed at me. “Vampire.” Then he pointed at Xavier. “Shifter.”

Xavier and I shared a look. How could this human know the truth about either of us?

“I’m Kelly Flowers,” I said, holding out a hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Griff.”

“Call me Ben,” he said with a smile that revealed a set of surprisingly white, surprisingly straight teeth.

He might have pegged our supernatural natures, but he also didn’t seem put off by them.

“What do you have in there?” Xavier asked, sauntering over and touching the top of the bag.

Yelling Man—I mean, Ben Griff—slapped his hand away. Xavier’s mouth fell open in surprise. I bet he hadn’t had his hand smacked by anyone since he was a kid.

Ben Griff was officially my hero.

“Is this the guy with the demon?” Ben pointed at Xavier.

“No,” I started to say, but Ben had already whipped out an aerosol can and was spraying it at Xavier. Purple clouds of tiny droplets filled the room.

“Hey! I’m not possessed!” Xavier said, backing up and coughing.

“Take that, demonic creature!” Ben whisper-yelled. “Go back to the rock you crawled out from!”

“Yes,” I said, nodding. “He came from a rock. And I bet that rock was shaped like a dick.”

“Kelly, help me!” Xavier choked out.

“If you’re not a demon, it won’t harm you.” Ben stopped his spraying and peered through the cloud of purple