Life, on the Line by Grant Achatz (book club reads .txt) 📕

“All the way through, Chef.”

He smiled at me and nodded his head. He wasn’t surprised.

I couldn’t decide how and when I should tell the kids about my cancer. I thought about not telling them at all, but Nick and Heather urged me to be as honest as possible. They were so young that I knew that they couldn’t fully understand the facts of illness and death, but I also knew that my physical state would gradually deteriorate even under the best of outcomes. There would be no hiding it.

I made a point of spending more time with them than I usually did. One afternoon after a morning chemo treatment the three of us were deep into a Wii tennis tournament when I decided to pause the game and tell them. I stood up, turned off the TV and sat them on the couch. Keller started to whine and Kaden looked up at me with a puzzled look, wondering why he was being punished.

“Hey, guys, Dad needs to talk to you about something.” The boys could tell my tone was serious and Keller quit his tantrum and Kaden sat up straight. I knelt down on the floor between them and put my hands on their legs.

“I’m sick, boys.”

Kaden interrupted, “Is that all, Dad? Can we play now?”

“No, bud. I need to tell you this. I have an illness that is very serious. It’s called cancer and it is in my tongue and neck. Do you know what cancer is?”

The question was directed at Kaden. At almost six years old, I thought he might have heard the word before, either at school or on TV. Keller was only three and a half and I knew that he had no idea. He looked over my shoulder at the TV, clearly hoping that I would turn it back on soon.

“It’s a thing in your body, like a bump,” Kaden said.

“Yeah, kinda like that. There are many different kinds of cancer, and all of them are bad for you. I have a lot of it in my body right now, and so I need to take some really strong medicine to get rid of it. But the medicine is going to make me really sick too.”

Kaden thought that was odd. Why would medicine make you sick? “What if it doesn’t go away?” he asked.

I didn’t want to tell them that I could die. There seemed no point in doing that. I skipped over the morbid details for now and kept things simple. “I’m going to look different for a while, guys. I’ll probably lose a bunch of weight, get a nasty, pimply rash, and my hair will fall out.” They found that part funny.

I didn’t know what else to say. I fought back tears and tried to project love over my fear. “Do you guys have any questions?”

Keller shot back immediately, “Nope!” I smiled at them, gave them a hug, and flipped the Wii tennis back on.

The next day I decided to take them out fishing. During the summer months I tried to get them out one day a week, just like I used to go with my dad or uncle. We had fun exploring the different baits that we could cull from the Alinea kitchen. Cheddar cheese, shrimp, bacon, and baby octopus were some of the favorites. I taught Kaden how to cast, and he was to the point where he could do it on his own.

We headed out to the lagoons in the northern suburbs and I set Kaden up. Keller disappeared for a moment. When I went to see what he was up to, he was throwing handfuls of the shrimp I had brought into the water, giggling all the while.

“Dude, what are you doing?”

“Feeding the fish, Dad. Look, they’re coming right to the top. We can catch them now.”

Out of bait and only ten minutes into our fishing trip, we packed up our stuff and headed to a nearby gas station to buy some night crawlers. Returning back to our spot I got Kaden set up again with a bobber and a hook. I instructed him to get a worm from the container and bring it over. He returned with a huge one.

“If you’re going to fish, guys, you have to learn to hook the worm yourself. Watch.”

I grabbed the worm and began to thread it on the hook. The worm thrashed about in my hand and finally succumbed. Both boys were mesmerized. I handed the rod to Kaden and pointed to where he should cast. He fired the rig into the water, spun the crank to lock the wheel, and stood quietly.

I was about to start getting Keller’s pole set up when Kaden spoke up over his shoulder. “Hey, Dad—do you think the hook hurts the worm?”

“Nah. You can cut them right in half and they still live. Want to see?”

“No thanks, Dad.”

A few seconds of silence passed, and then Kaden spoke up again. “Dad. Can worms get cancer?”

I froze. I instantly knew that their worry and understanding far surpassed my expectations. The news of my cancer was all over the newspapers and the TV. It was unavoidable even for a six-year-old.

“I suppose they can. But I doubt it would hurt them. Look how tough they are.” I motioned to the worm I was hooking on Keller’s pole.

He paused for a minute and I thought he was going to drop the subject. Then he said, “Yeah. But you’re pretty tough, too, Dad. It’s not going to kill you.”

My heart sank. I grabbed him, put him in a headlock, and gave him a noogie with some underarm tickling.

“Yup. I’m as tough as a worm.”

Heather and I were seeing each other seven to ten days a month, taking turns making the commute from Chicago to New York. I planned a two-day trip to see her before she went to Bethesda, Maryland, to visit her family. I had not yet met her parents, but I could sense