GLASS SOUP by Jonathan Carroll (funny books to read .txt) 📕

Fizz?” From behind him came the sounds of loud disorder. As if something big had just happened in the restaurant and people were still buzzing from it.

The noise distracted her. She hesitated but knew sooner or later she would have to tell Vincent everything. “Did you know that Simon Haden died?”

He shook his head. “I don’t care. I want to know what’s going on with you.”

She moved toward her lover. “You might have to care about Simon if you want to know what’s going on with me.”

Jelden Butter and Broximon were arguing about Haden when they came upon him. Jelden wanted to tell Simon about meeting Isabelle, Broximon did not. Both had good reasons for their positions and it would be interesting to see which one prevailed. Haden didn’t like either man very much but after the episode with Mrs. Dugdale, he had finally learned to listen when spoken to by anyone here because sometimes it helped him to figure things out.

He was sitting at an outdoor café eating a large serving of chocolate pudding with walnuts (his favorite dessert—just the way his mother used to make it). Both of them waved at him and then glared at one another, knowing exactly what the other was thinking.

“I know what you want to do, Jelden, but don’t.”

“Why the hell not?”

“How many times do I have to repeat this? Because he’s supposed to discover these things himself. That’s the whole point of his being here.”

“Yeah well, Isabelle is gone. How is he supposed to discover her if she’s not around? Hmm?”

Jelden was six feet tall. Broximon was six inches. Yet somehow both of them felt a hand on their shoulder at exactly the same moment. They turned and there was John Flannery a foot away. Behind him was the giant black and white dog, Luba. It stared at Broximon a little too intently.

“Gentlemen.” Flannery had his arms crossed over his chest. The same thought dashed through both men’s minds: He just had his hand on my shoulder. But how could he do that with his arms crossed? Flannery saw Haden looking their way so he waved. Haden waved back with his spoon and returned to the pudding.

“You were discussing what to tell Simon?”

Who was this guy? How did he know what they were talking about? Neither had ever seen him before. But he radiated attitude like heat off a summer highway and that definitely meant something here.

At the moment Broximon was more worried about the Great Dane than Flannery. “Is that dog safe? Shouldn’t it be on a leash or something?”

“Safe? No, Broximon, she is not. Luba would eat you in one second if I told her to. She’s stupid but very obedient. The perfect combination.” Having said this to the little man, Flannery slowly looked the yellow one up and down as if he were a desirable woman. “ ‘Jelden butter on your plate helps to make the morning great.’ But you also smell, Jelden. Are you aware of that? If you put open butter in a frig, it absorbs the smell of everything in there. And that’s you now—you smell of everything. It’s not very nice.

“And you’re not going to say a thing to Haden, Mr. Butter. Do you understand? Not a word about Isabelle, not a word about anything.”

“Who are you?”

Flannery grinned. “You don’t want to know who I am. Know what I mean?”

“Oh but I do. I really do want to know.” Jelden said this in an unpleasant, challenging voice.

Despite the other’s nasty tone, Flannery perked up as if he’d heard exactly what he wanted to hear. “Okay. I’m King of the Park.”

Jelden paused to see if he was going to say more. Then he sniggered. “You’re what?”

“I’m the new King of the Park. Does that help? Do you know what that is?”

“No. Am I supposed to?”

“Well, if you don’t it means you’re dumber than Luba here and that’s saying a lot because she is very fucking dumb. But hey, that’s okay. Broximon, do you know what it is?”

Brox put up both hands, palms out in total surrender. He didn’t know what King of the Park was and he didn’t want to know. The way Flannery said it in a deep, amused-in-a-scary-way tone of voice meant you didn’t fuck around with the King of the Park. Broximon started to speak. Because he was frightened his words got faster and faster until he was almost unintelligible. “No, but that’s okay. I mean I’m easy with this stuff. Really. Live and let live. King, queen, pawn… they’re all fine with me, you know—”

Flannery slowly put an index finger to his lips to shut Brox up. He shut up. Jelden looked at the little coward with loathing. Broximon saw that and silently mouthed the words Eat me.

“I don’t think I can trust you, Jelden. And that’s the whole basis of a relationship. So it’s time for you to die.”

“Oh really? Well, uh, you can’t die here, King. Because this is death, in case you didn’t know.”

“True, but things can die, Jelden. You’re a thing. No problem with you. Watch this.” He cupped a hand to the side of his mouth and called out to Haden sitting twenty feet away. “Hey Simon, no more butter, okay? It’s gone.”

Haden didn’t even look up from his brown dessert. He only nodded and raised his spoon to indicate that he’d heard.

Jelden Butter disappeared. Broximon couldn’t say how it happened beyond from one second to the next he was gone.

“Ho-llllllly shit—”

“Little Simon Haden put Jelden butter on his toast every morning when he was a boy because he loved their commercials on TV. He insisted his mother buy only that brand at the market. He’d sing those jingles to himself when he was alone. But no more. All he remembers now is margarine: how his Mom used margarine on everything because she read it was much healthier. No more Jelden butter,” Flannery said.

Broximon looked like he was going to flee or pee any second. “You