Radley's Labyrinth for Horny Monsters by Annabelle Hawthorne (highly recommended books .txt) 📕

single purple eye. “What are you doing here? And who is that?” Sofia pointed at Mike with the tip of her sword. “Where is Emily?”

“Tink have long story to tell Sofia.” Tink hopped off the chair, swatting Mike’s chest playfully. “But Tink hungry.”

“I think I can help you with that.” Sofia flicked her wrist. The sword folded itself up until it was the size of a butter knife, which she tucked into her belt. “But first, you two made a mess in here. Let’s get these books all put away and you can catch me up.”

PLANTING THE SEEDS 

Mike and Tink followed Sofia out into the main hall of the Library. A podium of her own had been parked up against the railing. She dismissed it with a wave of her hand. Seconds later, a full floating platform arrived, easily ten by twelve feet, with a small coffee table in the middle surrounded by comfortable-looking chairs.

“Uh…” Mike stared at the platform. It didn’t even have rails. Sofia and Tink walked onto it without a second thought, but Mike hesitated. He had to fight every fiber of panic in his being, but he crossed over, and the platform moved gently away. Standing near the edge, he felt the familiar sensation of multiple hands on his body, holding him in place. Seeing that Sofia wasn’t looking, he tried to brush some more of the smashed Pop-Tart off the back of his pants, the crumbs falling to the marble floors far below.

“Please. Come sit.” Sofia gestured at the table, leaning back in a chair that was large enough for her frame. Mike sat in the chair across from her. His feet just barely touched the ground. Tink fit easily on the cushion of her chair, looking almost like a little green doll. Sofia tapped a small bell on the center of the table, then spun a nearby dial until it pointed at the number three.

“Oh!” Mike watched in amazement as plates of food and drink appeared. Small sandwiches and beef stew in silver bowls, along with a small bottle of wine. He picked up one of the sandwiches, smelling the bread. It was fresh baked.

“Food here super good,” Tink informed him, picking up a spoon. “Always best food in Library!”

“But how?” Mike asked. “Is it magic?”

“It is,” Sofia told him. “Have you ever been at a restaurant and had your order go missing? Same principle. Out there, in the universe somewhere, somebody is wondering where their lunch is at.”

“Wait, this is stolen food?” Mike took a bite of his sandwich. It was delicious.

“High-quality stolen food,” Sofia corrected him. She undid her robe, letting it fall away from her shoulders. She wore a tight blue blouse beneath that matched her skirt. Large breasts were packed inside of her blouse, making Mike think she was wearing some kind of sports bra. She grabbed a bowl of her own, which looked more like a giant mug in her hands. “So fill me in. How long have I been asleep this time?”

Tink, between bites, told Sofia all that had happened since Mike had inherited the house from the previous Caretaker, Emily, a distant relative he had never even heard of who had died and left him with a magic house and no instruction manual. For the most part, the story was to the point, but she spent several minutes explaining how (she thought) a magic screen worked and then announced that Mike was her new husband.

“I see. You are the new Caretaker, then.” Sofia poured herself some of the wine. “Then may I offer my services? This is the Library of Thoth. Built for him by his brother, it sails beyond the reach of mortal man, currently connected only to your home on Earth.”

“How many books are here?” Mike asked.

“All of them.” Sofia smiled, blinking gently. With only one eye, Mike wondered if she had been winking instead. He also wondered how big her breasts actually were. It seriously looked like they were struggling to get free.

“All of them?” Mike asked. Was the cyclops fucking with him?

“As they are written, yes. Much like the magic that brings us our food, these books simply vanish from the real world. It is my job to read them before finding them a permanent home here, properly catalogued.”

“Wait.” Mike set down his sandwich. “Is that what all those boxes in the garage were?”

“Yes. Those were books I loaned out for the people of the house to read, and Emily was kind enough to store them in bulk so I could focus on my job here. It seems like there’s been a sudden rush on the number of books published lately, and I…” Sofia squinted at him. “What do you mean, were?”

“Boxes all gone. Witch blow them all up,” Tink announced, happily slurping her soup.

It was weird watching Sofia’s eye twitch. Just one side of her eye spasmed, her giant lid rippling with each movement. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, staring down into her lap.

“Shit.” Shaking her head, the cyclops poured herself some wine. “That’s going to leave a gap in the collection.”

“Can’t you just magic up some more?” Mike suggested.

“The Library only brings one of everything. Part of its magic.” Shaking fingers clutched the wine goblet, lifting it slowly to her crimson lips. The instant the wine touched her mouth, she threw back the whole glass, swallowing it in one giant gulp like a shot. “What happened to the witch?”

“She’s dead.” Mike pictured Sarah being dragged into the giant pod of the Mandragora, a fate he had avoided almost entirely by chance.

“Good.” Sofia poured herself another glass, slamming it back like she had the first. “Stupid bitch.”

“Uh, yeah.” Mike worried more than a little about the cyclops and her booze. Maybe alcohol affected her differently? She was already starting to look a little pink in the cheeks. “So,” he said, “we were wondering if you knew how to activate the gateway to the Labyrinth.”

“Oh. That’s easy. However, I