The Way We Live Now by Anthony Trollope (best fiction novels of all time .TXT) 📕

“So you have come,” she said, without rising from her chair.

“Of course I came, when you desired it.”

“I don’t know why you should. My wishes do not seem to affect you much. Will you sit down there,” she said, pointing to a seat at some distance from herself. “So you think it would be best that you and I should never see each other again?” She was very calm; but it seemed to him that the quietness was assumed, and that at any moment it might be converted into violence. He thought that there was that in her eye which seemed to foretell the spring of the wildcat.

“I did think so certainly. What more can I say?”

“Oh, nothing; clearly nothing.” Her voice was very low. “Why should a gentleman trouble himself to say any more⁠—than that he has changed his mind? Why make a fuss about such little things as a woman’s life, or a woman’s heart?” Then she paused. “And having come, in consequence of my unreasonable request, of course you are wise to hold your peace.”

“I came because I promised.”

“But you did not promise to speak;⁠—did you?”

“What would you have me say?”

“Ah what! Am I to be so weak as to tell you now what I would have you say? Suppose you were to say, ‘I am a gentleman, and a man of my word, and I repent me of my intended perfidy,’ do you not think you might get your release that way? Might it not be possible that I should reply that as your heart was gone from me, your hand might go after it;⁠—that I scorned to be the wife of a man who did not want me?” As she asked this she gradually raised her voice, and half lifted herself in her seat, stretching herself towards him.

“You might indeed,” he replied, not well knowing what to say.

“But I should not. I at least will be true. I should take you, Paul⁠—still take you; with a confidence that I should yet win you to me by my devotion. I have still some kindness of feeling towards you⁠—none to that woman who is I suppose younger than I, and gentler, and a maid.” She still looked as though she expected a reply, but there was nothing to be said in answer to this. “Now that you are going to leave me, Paul, is there any advice you can give me, as to what I shall do next? I have given up every friend in the world for you. I have no home. Mrs. Pipkin’s room here is more my home than any other spot on the earth. I have all the world to choose from, but no reason whatever for a choice. I have my property. What shall I do with it, Paul? If I could die and be no more heard of, you should be welcome to it.” There was no answer possible to all this. The questions were asked because there was no answer possible. “You might at any rate advise me. Paul, you are in some degree responsible⁠—are you not⁠—for my loneliness?”

“I am. But you know that I cannot answer your questions.”

“You cannot wonder that I should be somewhat in doubt as to my future life. As far as I can see, I had better remain here. I do good at any rate to Mrs. Pipkin. She went into hysterics yesterday when I spoke of leaving her. That woman, Paul, would starve in our country, and I shall be desolate in this.” Then she paused, and there was absolute silence for a minute. “You thought my letter very short; did you not?”

“It said, I suppose, all you had to say.”

“No, indeed. I did have much more to say. That was the third letter I wrote. Now you shall see the other two. I wrote three, and had to choose which I would send you. I fancy that yours to me was easier written than either one of mine. You had no doubts, you know. I had many doubts. I could not send them all by post, together. But you may see them all now. There is one. You may read that first. While I was writing it, I was determined that that should go.” Then she handed him the sheet of paper which contained the threat of the horsewhip.

“I am glad you did not send that,” he said.

“I meant it.”

“But you have changed your mind?”

“Is there anything in it that seems to you to be unreasonable? Speak out and tell me.”

“I am thinking of you, not of myself.”

“Think of me, then. Is there anything said there which the usage to which I have been subjected does not justify?”

“You ask me questions which I cannot answer. I do not think that under any provocation a woman should use a horsewhip.”

“It is certainly more comfortable for gentlemen⁠—who amuse themselves⁠—that women should have that opinion. But, upon my word, I don’t know what to say about that. As long as there are men to fight for women, it may be well to leave the fighting to the men. But when a woman has no one to help her, is she to bear everything without turning upon those who ill-use her? Shall a woman be flayed alive because it is unfeminine in her to fight for her own skin? What is the good of being⁠—feminine, as you call it? Have you asked yourself that? That men may be attracted, I should say. But if a woman finds that men only take advantage of her assumed weakness, shall she not throw it off? If she be treated as prey, shall she not fight as a beast of prey? Oh, no;⁠—it is so unfeminine! I also, Paul, had thought of that. The charm of womanly weakness presented itself to my mind in a soft moment⁠—and then I wrote this other letter. You may as well see them all.” And so