Perilously Fun Fiction: A Bundle by Pauline Jones (best fiction novels of all time .TXT) 📕

“We take this total control model that covers from boobs to knees.”

I looked at the skinny tube, trying to figure out how to get it on. “Does it come equipped with a safety valve? I don’t want to end up in a Dave Barry column about exploding girdles because my cellulite breached containment.”

Rosemary grinned. “With any luck it will push the flab up into the bra where we need it.”

“It might do it for you,” I said. “I’ll just wind up with a fat neck and knees.”

“Would you like to try that on?” a glacial voice asked behind me.

I jumped and found that what I’d thought was a mannequin was the sales clerk.

“She would,” I said. Sometimes it was nice being identical. No need for both of us to squeeze into a three-inch tube in a hot, tiny dressing room. I retreated to a sale table filled with filmy panties in neon colors. Everyone has to have a vice. Underwear was mine. I’d picked up a handful when I heard the spine-tingling voice that I thought had passed from my life forever.

“There you are. Weren’t you supposed to be here by one?”

I wanted to see him again, but not across a mound of neon panties. Sometimes it didn’t pay to fall out of bed in the morning. It didn’t help that he looked more relaxed amid the lingerie than I did. I could see several women, including the mannequin sales clerk, giving him a twice over. He did look fine, with no sign of injury visible to the naked eye. The color was back under his suntan and where his full length, navy coat fell open I could see soft gray pants elegantly hugging lean hips. His pristine white shirt, neatly buttoned and tie-wrapped, made him look clean, crisp, and very heroic. Looking at him brought back all sorts of memories and feelings. My Sunday school teacher said we should hum hymns when faced with temptation.

Unfortunately, a “hallelujah” chorus, the only song that came to mind, did nothing to blunt temptation.

“What are you doing here?” I asked on a sigh. It was hard to see him as a ruthless killer of schoolteachers when he was surrounded by under garments.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Oh?” Could he tell the heat turning my face into a beacon was for him? I peeked from under my lashes just in time to be on the receiving end of his hundred watt smile. The next thing I knew the panties I’d forgotten I was holding shot out of my hands as if launched by a slingshot. A purple pair landed on his shoulder. He snagged a scarlet pair out of the air.

His face blank, he removed the purple, held it and the scarlet up. A careful and endless examination followed before he looked at me.

“Very nice. Do you want them?”

The ground refused to oblige me by opening at my feet. A disorderly retreat was clearly in order. “I…no, thanks.”

I turned and crashed into a rack of bras. With diabolical swiftness Kel closed the distance and caught me against his chest. The rack was less fortunate. It went down with a crash, flinging bras everywhere. My heart gave an ecstatic leap, then settled into an unruly “Ode to Joy” because I was back where I wanted to be. His heart thumped as wildly as mine, but I didn’t know if it was for me or because he’d just leaped over a table full of panties into a storm of bras.

“You shouldn’t…what about your…”

“I’m fine,” he cut me off.

He smelled good in an aggressively guy way. I inhaled him until my head spun, opened my eyes in a feeble effort to get my balance and saw us in a full length mirror. The bra caught in my hair was better than a cold shower. The sales clerk minced up. Kel set me back on my feet and began scooping up white mounds, tossing them onto the table with the neon panties. I removed the bra, looked up and saw Kel watching me with humor, and something I was afraid to identify, sparking in his blue eyes.

I’d probably have stood there until I drooled, but the clerk said, coldly, “Were you going to buy that?”

I held it up. It was at least a 38D. “Yeah, right.”

I handed it to her and walked away, chin up, spirit dragging. Kel caught up with me just as I was clearing the sexy nighties.

“Bel—”

The diminutive made my heart clutch. Only my dad had called me that. “Please just go away.” I would have been okay if I hadn’t stopped and faced him. It put me at an immediate disadvantage because he was closer than I thought. His personal space wrapped around me like his arms had last night.

“It’s important.” He looked serious and sober.

“Look…”

“Stan?” Rosemary poked her head out of the dressing room and beckoned to me. I didn’t see him fade away. He was just gone. My heart jumping, I stalked over to Rosemary.

“What?”

“Who’s the guy?”

“Guy?” I couldn’t explain Kel without revealing what I’d almost done to her car, so I had to play dumb.

“The guy you were talking to.”

“I was talking to a guy?” I usually do dumb really well, but Rosemary’s brows rose, her expression turned skeptical.

“You do know that men who hit on women in Lingerie are probably wearing it?”

“Of course.” My gaze was bouncing around like a ping pong ball trying to spot him. I caught it and directed it her way. “I’m gonna go get something to drink.”

“Bring me a Coke, would you?”

I nodded and found the escalator. I thought I was looking out for him, but he still managed to sneak up on me.

“Buy you a drink?” he whispered in my ear.

I jumped. My ear was delighted. My nerves less so. “I wish you’d quit doing that.”

“Doing what?” He leaned against the side and grinned. He kind of reminded me, I decided, of a young Cary Grant. Not in looks, he was too