Something Old by Rebecca Connolly (autobiographies to read txt) 📕

“I only wanted to be clear that I want my marriage with my husband to be different,” Lily explained, smiling at her aunt’s discomfiture. “Not that I wished for a different marriage.”

Augusta shook her head quickly, as though to shake her embarrassment from her cheeks. “A very proper distinction, I am sure, although wholly irrelevant.” She laid a gloved hand along her right cheek, sniffing softly. “If you wish for your marriage with Granger to be different, then you may have to let him know that you wish for it to be different.”

“I couldn’t tell him that!” Lily’s stomach clenched at the mere thought of that conversation. “He would think me unhappy.”

Her aunt gave her a pointed look. “He could hardly think you’ve been particularly happy all this time. Men may be obtuse, but they are not wholly blind.”

She had a point there. While Lily was careful never to parade her sadness for all to see, it was well known that she was not in the sort of marriage that she would like. No one could blame her, she had heard, for what girl wishes to be married for her money alone? Had everyone in Society seen her hopes before the marriage? Had they seen the despair afterward?

Thomas had to see how Lily’s heart had broken little by little over time. He’d have had to be determined not to see in order to be ignorant of it. Had such an understanding led him to invite her to London with him? Why, then, was nothing changing?

Could he be waiting for some indication on Lily’s part?

“How do I tell him?” Lily asked her aunt, turning down a new path in the park. “Without directly using those words.”

“Why mustn’t it be direct?” Augusta’s brow furrowed at the question. “It would be so very simple to come right out and say it, then there can be no misunderstandings.”

Lily sighed, wishing she’d been brave enough to have this conversation with her aunt or any other respectable woman she trusted before her marriage had gotten to this point. “We are never so direct.”

Augusta grunted softly. “Perhaps you should be. Hinting at the problem does not suffice if your partner is dreadful with hints. If you will not speak with Granger about this, then you must show him.”

“Show him what?” Lily inquired in outright bewilderment. “Show him I am unhappy? Must I dissolve into tears and throw myself at his feet in despair? Wallow in self-pity and wear black at all times?”

“I think Lily enjoyed the theatre far more than usual,” Eloise broke in, staring at Lily in a sort of dismay. “She’s even adopted some of the same theatrics employed there.”

Augusta cut her off with a quick gesture of her hand, her eyes on Lily. “No, dear,” she told her. “You must show him that you are willing to make things different. If he will not start a conversation, you must. If he will not smile, you must. If he will not be affectionate, you must.”

With every suggestion, Lily felt smaller in stature, weaker in nature. How could she do any of those things? Thomas was so aloof at times, so reluctant to engage with any depth where she was concerned, that the idea of her taking such a chance was terrifying. What would he say? What would he think? What would he feel? What if he didn’t want to change anything? What if he liked the way things were, and the decision to come to London was nothing more than a whim? What if he rejected her efforts to change things?

What if he rejected her?

“It should not all lay at his feet, my dear,” Augusta murmured with surprising tenderness. “You both have gotten yourselves to this point, so it falls to both of you to amend things.”

“What if he doesn’t want to?” Lily whispered, her step the slightest bit unsteady.

Augusta rubbed her upper arm, apparently unconcerned with the question. “You won’t know until you try, my dear. And a less separate marriage would benefit you both, even if there isn’t going to be full love in the match. You can be companionable, and to be frank, you ought to be.”

“I want more than that,” Lily admitted with a raw honesty she usually reserved for her closest friends.

“You won’t get anything more if you don’t get that first, Lily,” Augusta told her with a knowing look. “You must have a beginning to expand upon, and at this moment, you don’t have even that.”

Lily nodded, more in thought than in response. The man she had married was determined to avoid her for one reason or another, but the one who had brought her to London…

What did he want?

“What should I do?” she asked her aunt, feeling helpless and clueless. “How should I… ?”

“I am not married to Mr. Granger, sweetheart,” Augusta reminded her, shaking her head. “I cannot direct you, nor can I give you any advice on the subject. You know your husband, and you know yourself. You will need to find your own way into a happier version of your marriage.”

Emma snorted loudly behind them. “You’ll have to study Granger every moment of every day to see if anything you do pleases him.”

“He would have to be alive to be pleased,” Eloise remarked, snickering.

Augusta exhaled loudly in irritation and turned around. “Lily, I do apologize, but your sisters and I must leave now. I don’t believe we will see you at any of the balls or assemblies in the near future, and if you would look into whether or not the Miss Masters Finishing School takes young ladies who should already be finished, that would be much appreciated.”

The woman marched forward and grabbed Emma and Eloise by the arms, turning them about and marching them away without another word.

Lily watched them go before following to return home, fighting amusement against her personal turmoil. She should have defended her husband to her sisters rather than let them continue to make such comments,