Hole Punch by Simmons, Garth (the dot read aloud TXT) 📕

Trev could always get the ladies over somehow.

“Got your beers,” said Gaz passing them to Trev. Gaz looked at the two girls then he looked away.

“This your friend?” asked one of the girls to Trev.

They all stood there and had some sort of conversation but they could barely hear each other because of the music. Suddenly Lid Lovely by Desktop started playing and they all remembered that song from when they were young.

“Come on, lets dance,” said one of the women.

They all danced for a bit and a man in the speakers sang:

“O lovely lid - suddenly lid I oh oh oh lid lid O-O-O yeah yeah etc.”

And another man in the speakers played some guitar and another man in the speakers played some drums and another man in the speakers played some bass sound you could hear faintly somewhere between the drums and everything else.

* * *

A few weeks later, Gaz had totally forgotten about the night and was just shopping for food in the supermarket. He saw one of the women from the night club in the frozen pizza section. She turned round to say hello to him.

“Hey it’s Baz innit?” she said.

Gaz laughed.

“Nah babe,” he said. “It’s Gaz.”

“Are you getting a frozen pizza too Gaz?”

“Yeah babe,” Gaz leaned on the freezer and tipped up his baseball cap. “I like them all. Pepperoni, cheese, erm….”

“I like the feta cheese and spinach one.”

“Aye yeah. That’s alright too.”

“So do you remember my name then Gaz?”

“Erm no, not sure I do babes.”

She laughed and said she was called Sasha.

They both walked about the frozen food section together and talked about fishfingers. Little did they realise that in two months time they’d be on holiday together in Benidorm.

* * *

Gaz said something funny in some restaurant in Benidorm and it was like a scene from that TV show Benidorm.

* * *

When Gaz and Sasha got back to England they got married and both their families got drunk and spent some money. Gaz paid for the wedding as he had an alright job as a plumber for Prontopipe. Gaz could easily afford the registry office and a slap up meal at the Goat and Duck.

Dave the bartender brought out the wedding cake on a wooden plank on top of an old wheelbarrow.

“WAKEY CAKEY!” shouted Dave.

They all laughed.

Good old Dave, thought Gaz. Dave used to look after Gaz at Prontopipe and helped get Gaz to where Gaz was today.

“Thanks mate!” said Gaz.

“It’s alright mate!” said Dave. “Birds love a big cake don’t they?”

The little known local DJ Booblover Shake stood at the Karaoke stage they used for Karaoke nights and he spoke into the microphone they used on Karaoke nights.

“Think it’s time for our bootiful couple to have a bit of a dance… all of yous lot put your ands togethah for Gaz and Sasha!!”

They all clapped and the DJ put on an old song from the nineties. Rolodex by Alphabet Squid.

A man inside the speakers sang:

“Oh Rolodex, baby I wanna get to go to Rex! Oh Rolodex, baby I wanna get to go to mex, haven’t you heard? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!?”

Another man in the speakers did something with a keyboard and another man in the speakers did something with a guitar and another man in the speakers did something with some drums and there were probably some other men involved too and there might have been women though probably not as bands were sexist back then.

“Love you babes!” said Gaz to Sasha.

“Love you too babes!” said Sasha to Gaz.

They did a snog and people clapped.

* * *

Three hours later, in the smoking area, Trev was slapping Gaz round the back to congratulate Gaz for puking in an outdoor ashtray.

“Get it out mate,” said Trev. “Better out than in. Makes up for you not having a stag do.”

Gaz puked up some beer.

“Why didn’t you have a stag do mate? Last night of freedom mate!”

Gaz puked up some wedding dinner.

“You should have had a stag do!”

Gaz puked up some beer.

“You being married ain’t going to stop us is it? We’ll still have the odd night out at the strip bars won’t we?”

Gaz puked up some beer.

“Won’t we mate? Come on mate? Won’t we?”

Gaz puked up some beer.

Trev kicked over the pub bottle recycling bin.

“Answer me you puking prick!”

LOVE

“Can you tell us a love story mother?” chittered the cockroach larvae.

“I will tell you a love story,” chittered their mother.

The larvae wriggled in anticipation.

“Once upon a time, before the Cataclysm, there was humanity.”

“We know all about them,” chittered the larvae. “What could they have known about love? Have you seen all this stupid wreckage they left behind? Just stupid!”

Their mother nodded.

“They were, indeed, stupid and pointless.”

“Why were the humans so stupid mother?”

“There are many theories. Some say their problem was greed, some say it was aggression, but I believe their problem was love. Humanity was ugly. Nothing could love a human being. Human beings were naturally selfish. Love was not real but they wanted it. They were always on the search for love and beauty because they were so ugly. Ugly in body, mind and heart. The world they created did nothing but confirm this ugliness. This caused wars and hate and “you are uglier than me” debates. Humanity couldn't be loved. So they were in the grip of their own death instinct. What other option did they have but to die? So they engineered their own suicide. Can you imagine how painful it must be? To despise your own species? To despise yourself? To never feel love.”

The cockroach larvae wriggled.

“Mother?” chittered the cockroach larvae. “Do you think this story is biased? Perhaps opinionated? They can't have all hated their own species? Some of them must have felt natural, humble, insect love for each other?”

“Not possible,” chittered their mother. “Humanity had no grasp on any form of love. They would try to feel love by having children.