Time Jacker by Aaron Crash (nonfiction book recommendations .TXT) 📕

Bailey rolled her eyes. “You don’t know, and you’re the human at this table. I’ll give you a little lesson. Paraphilias are sexual interests in objects, situations, or individuals that are atypical. People with foot fetishes, mostly men, fall into that category.”

Bailey lifted her right foot, set it on the table, and wiggled her toes.

Jack moved it off. “Pretend you’re human. I’m assuming since you know what turns everyone on, you know about current American manners.”

“I do. Don’t care. What are you into, Jack? I can’t read you, and it’s infuriating!” Bailey held her own glass of water, but the ice cubes had already melted. The condensation created a puddle on the table.

Jack took his napkin and cleaned up a bit. “We’re not talking about my sex life. We made a deal. I went into the shower with you, and you were going to tell me everything you know about everything.”

Bailey fluttered her eyelashes. “It’s so boring. Heaven, hell, the Tempus Influunt. Angels, demons, and the Interim. Ugh. Do you like anal? Giving and not receiving. A lot of guys are really into anal. I think it’s all the porn. And you humans are cleaner. Five hundred years ago? Wasn’t as big for obvious hygienic reasons. However, everyone has always liked a nice, juicy ass. Pygophilia is a fetish for asses as a whole.”

“Why were you at the church?” Jack asked. “Praying for your soul?”

Bailey snorted. “Like I have a soul. As for the church? There were a lot of horny people in there feeling guilty. It’s a good place to find people struggling with their lust.”

“No soul?” Jack asked.

“I have a core of Ijjinaya,” the demon said. “But it’s not a soul, not in the human sense. Like heaven and hell aren’t fighting over me.”

“So if there’s a heaven and a hell, is there a God and a Satan?” Jack asked.

Bailey put her fingertips on her cheeks just below her eyes, which were heavily made up—that smoky mascara really emphasized her eyes, the red one and the blue one. “You worked for that bank, right? I talked a little with our friend Evelyn about you. Have you ever met anyone on the board of that bank?”

Jack didn’t know where she was going. “I don’t work for the bank, but that’s okay. No, I’ve never met any of the bank’s higher-ups.”

“How do you know they exist?” Bailey tilted her head. “Hmm? You don’t. You take it on faith that there’s a CEO, a president, and blah, blah, blah. You deal with middle management. As do I. Is there a God in heaven and a Lucifer in hell? Well, middle management tells us there is, but believe me, even they have their doubts.”

Judy came by, set down mugs and three pots of coffee, and hurried away. It was clear it took an effort of will not to glance down at Bailey’s feet.

Bailey started slamming cups of coffee. It was fresh and hot, but being a demon, Bailey obviously didn’t feel the heat.

Jack had to sip his own. “Middle management. And who do you report to?”

“I went rogue a hundred years ago. You humans were too much fun to fuck, not that I’ve done that much fucking. But I was already, in the Tempus Influunt, snacking on all your Ijjinaya. Before then? I reported to Tanichron. He was a duke in Denver. A greater duke in the grand scheme of things, but a lesser duke in the bedroom. Tiny little demon cock. But anyway.”

“Snacking on our Ijjinaya?”

She finished off one pot and started on the next. “Yeah, a dude is jerking off, I’m right there, eating. Some1950s couple in a car at make-out point? Who is the little sex demon with them in the back seat? Yours truly. I miss those poodle skirts. An orgy during the Summer of Love? Been there, done that. Some coke whore getting dicked in a New York club in 1983? Fuck her harder, man. Fuck her harder. 1990s gay sex? I’ll take bareback homoeroticism for five hundred, Alex. Weird 2000s S&M fun inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey? I’ve lapped up lust from many a housewife in handcuffs. God bless E.L. James.”

“Isn’t God your enemy?” Jack asked.

“CEO of heaven? If He does exist, He doesn’t give a shit about me.” Bailey sighed. “And neither does Lucifer. That duke of hell, Tanichron, though, sometimes sends a henchman after me. But I give ’em the slip. I’m smart, powerful, and love my roguish lifestyle. Actually, I get some flak from Marianna the most. She’s the angelic duchess of Denver. Sometimes she gets a hair up her divine ass and wants to do some housecleaning. But she loses interest in me because I don’t care two shits about soul collecting.”

Judy brought Jack’s meal. She then returned with two trays. She set a bounty of desserts on the table. “Do you need anything else?”

The demon’s smile was pornographic. “Oh, yes, Miss Judy. I’d love to—”

Jack kicked the demon.

Bailey’s face crumpled. “Ow. Fine. We’re okay, Judy. Thank you.”

Judy hurried away. Did she add a little wiggle? Jack thought she might’ve.

Bailey pouted, not speaking and not slamming coffee like she was doing shots of Patrón.

“You can’t embarrass me, Bailey,” Jack said.

“That kick hurt. It’s not nice. And I hate answering your dumb questions. The point is this...I want to hang around you because I like having a body, and you seem like a good time when you’re not kicking me, and you’re a mystery. I’m curious. What about you? How do you stop time?”

“I have no idea,” he said honestly. “Two bank robbers tried to kill me, and time stopped. I thought it was because of the toy soldier. You keep telling me that’s not the case, but so far the only way I’ve managed to do it is by turning the key in the soldier’s back. Now, eat one of your many desserts.”

“I’m going to eat them all.”