Hudibras by Samuel Butler (simple e reader .TXT) 📕

The Knight, with various doubts possest,
To win the Lady goes in quest
Of Sidrophel, the Rosy-crucian,
To know the dest’nies’ resolution:
With whom being met, they both chop logic
About the science astrologic:
Till falling from dispute to fight,
The Conj’rer’s worsted by the Knight.

Doubtless the pleasure is as great
Of being cheated, as to cheat;
As lookers-on feel most delight,
That least perceive a juggler’s sleight;
And still the less they understand,
The more th’ admire his slight of hand.

Some with a noise, and greasy light,
Are snapt, as men catch larks by night;
Ensnar’d and hamper’d by the soul,
As nooses by their legs catch fowl.
Some with a med’cine, and receipt,
Are drawn to nibble at the bait;
And tho’ it be a two-foot trout,
’Tis with a single hair pull’d out.

Others believe no voice t’ an organ
So sweet as lawyer’s in his bar-gown,
Until with subtle cobweb-cheats
Th’ are catch’d in knotted law, like nets;
In which, when once they are imbrangled,
The more they stir, the more they’re tangled;
And while their purses can dispute,
There’s no end of th’ immortal suit.

Others still gape t’ anticipate
The cabinet-designs of fate;
Apply to wizards to foresee
What shall and what shall never be;
And, as those vultures do forebode,
Believe events prove bad or good:
A flam more senseless than the roguery
Of old aruspicy and aug’ry,
That out of garbages of cattle
Presag’d th’ events of truce or battle;
From flight of birds, or chickens pecking,
Success of great’st attempts would reckon:
Though cheats, yet more intelligible
Than those that with the stars do fribble.
This Hudibras by proof found true,
As in due time and place we’ll shew:
For he, with beard and face made clean,
B’ing mounted on his steed agen
(And Ralpho got a cock-horse too
Upon his beast, with much ado),
Advanc’d on for the Widow’s house,
To acquit himself, and pay his vows;
When various thoughts began to bustle,
And with his inward man to justle.
He thought what danger might accrue
If she should find he swore untrue;
Or,if his Squire or he should fail,
And not be punctual in their tale,
It might at once the ruin prove
Both of his honour, faith, and love.
But if he should forbear to go,
She might conclude h’ had broke his vow;
And that he durst not now, for shame,
Appear in court to try his claim.
This was the pen’worth of his thought,
To pass time, and uneasy trot.

Quoth he, In all my past adventures
I ne’er was set so on the tenters;
Or taken tardy with dilemma,
That ev’ry way I turn does hem me,
And with inextricable doubt
Besets my puzzled wits about:
For tho’ the dame has been my bail,
To free me from enchanted jail,
Yet as a dog, committed close
For some offence, by chance breaks loose,
And quits his clog, but all in vain,
He still draws after him his chain;
So, though my ankle she has quitted,
My heart continues still committed:
And like a bail’d and mainpriz’d lover,
Altho’ at large, I am bound over:
And when I shall appear in court,
To plead my cause, and answer for’t,
Unless the judge do partial prove,
What will become of me and love?
For if in our account we vary,
Or but in circumstance miscarry;
Or if she put me to strict proof,
And make me pull my doublet off,
To shew, by evident record
Writ on my skin, I’ve kept my word;
How can I e’er expect to have her,
Having demurr’d unto her favour?
But faith, and love, and honour lost,
Shall be reduc’d t’ a Knight o’ th’ Post.
Beside, that stripping may prevent
What I’m to prove by argument,
And justify I have a tail;
And that way, too, my proof may fail.
Oh! that I could enucleate,
And solve the problems of my fate;
Or find, by necromantic art,
How far the dest’nies take my part!
For if I were not more than certain
To win and wear her, and her fortune,
I’d go no farther in this courtship,
To hazard soul, estate, and worship:
For though an oath obliges not
Where any thing is to be got,
(As thou hast prov’d), yet ’tis profane,
And sinful, when men swear in vain.

Quoth Ralph, Not far from hence doth dwell
A cunning man, hight Sidrophel,
That deals in destiny’s dark counsels,
And sage opinions of the moon sells;
To whom all people, far and near,
On deep importances repair;
When brass and pewter hap to stray,
And linen slinks out of the way;
When geese and pullen are seduc’d,
And sows of sucking-pigs are chows’d;
When cattle feel indisposition,
And need th’ opinion of physician;
When murrain reigns in hogs or sheep,
And chickens languish of the pip;
When yeast and outward means do fail,
And have no pow’r to work on ale;
When butter does refuse to come,
And love proves cross and humoursome;
To him with questions, and with urine,
They for discov’ry flock, or curing.

Quoth Hudibras, This Sidrophel
I’ve heard of, and should like it well,
If thou canst prove the Saints have freedom
To go to sorc’rers when they need ’em.

Says Ralpho, There’s no doubt of that;
Those principles I quoted late,
Prove that the godly may allege
For any thing their privilege;
And to the dev’l himself may go,
If they have motives thereunto.
For, as there is a war between
The dev’l and them, it is no sin,
If they by subtle stratagem
Make use of him, as he does them.
Has not this present Parliament
A Ledger to the devil sent,106
Fully impowr’d to treat about
Finding revolted witches out?
And has not he, within a year,
Hang’d threescore of ’em in one shire?
Some only for not being drown’d,
And some for sitting above ground,
Whole days and nights, upon their breeches,
And feeling pain, were hang’d for witches;
And some for putting knavish tricks
Upon green geese and turkey-chicks,
Or pigs, that suddenly deceast
Of griefs unnat’ral, as he guest;
Who after prov’d himself a witch
And made a rod for his own breech.
Did not the Devil appear to Martin
Luther in Germany for certain?
And would have gull’d him with a trick,
But Martin was too politic.
Did he not help the Dutch to purge107
At Antwerp their cathedral church?
Sing catches to the saints at Mascon,108
And tell them all they came to ask him?
Appear’d in divers shapes to Kelly,109
And speak i’ th’ Nun of Loudon’s belly?
Meet with the Parliament’s committee110
At Woodstock on a pers’nal treaty?
At Sarum