Mr. Darcy's Diary by Amanda Grange (books for students to read .txt) π
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- Author: Amanda Grange
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return of Mrs Collins and Maria.They were surprised to
see me there, but explaining my mistake I stayed only a
few minutes longer and then returned to Rosings.
Tuesday 15th April
Elizabeth has bewitched me. I am in far more danger
here than I ever was in Hertfordshire. There, I had her
family constantly before me, reminding me how impossible a match between us would be. Here, I have only her.
Her liveliness, her gaiety, her good humour, all tempt me
to abandon self-restraint and declare myself; but I must
not do it. I do not only have myself to consider. I have
my sister.
To expose Georgiana to the vulgarity of Mrs Bennet
would be an act of cruelty no brotherly devotion could
allow.And to present to Georgiana, as sisters, Mary, Kitty
and Lydia Bennet would be repulsive.To have her influenced by them, to force her into company with them β
for it could not be otherwise if I were to make Elizabeth
my wife β would be unforgivable.Worse still, she might
be forced to hear of George Wickham, who is a
favourite of the younger girls. No. I cannot do it. I will
not do it.
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M r . D a r c y β s D i a r y 1 4 7
I must beware, then, lest I let slip a word in Elizabethβs
company. I must not let her know how I feel. She suspects my partiality I am sure. Indeed, by her lively nature
she has encouraged it, and no doubt she is waiting for me
to speak. If she married me she would be lifted out of her
sphere and elevated to mine. She would be joined in
matrimony to a man of superior character and understanding, and she would be the mistress of Pemberley. A
man of my character and reputation, wealth and position
would tempt any woman. But it must never be.
Thursday 17th April
I do not know what has come over me. I should be
avoiding Elizabeth, but every day when Colonel
Fitzwilliam goes to the parsonage, I go with him. I cannot deny myself the pleasure of looking at her. Her face
is not beautiful but it haunts me.
I have had enough resolution to say nothing, for fear
of saying too much, but my silence has begun to be
noticed.
βWhy are you silent when we go to the parsonage?β
asked Colonel Fitzwilliam as we returned home today.βIt
is not like you, Darcy.β
βI have nothing to say.β
βCome now! I have seen you talk to bishops and
ploughmen.You can always think of something to say to
them, however much you protest you find it difficult to
converse with strangers.And yet when you go to the parsonage, you do not open your mouth. It is most uncivil
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of you. The least you could do is ask after Mrs Collinsβs
chickens, and ask Mr Collins how his sermons are coming along, and if you cannot think of anything to say to
the young ladies, you can always fall back on the
weather.β
βI will endeavour to do better next time.β
But as I said it, I realized I must not go to the parsonage again. If I talk to Elizabeth, there is no telling where
it will lead. She looks at me archly sometimes, and I am
sure she is expecting me to declare myself.
Would a marriage between us really be so impossible?
I ask myself, but even as I wonder, an image of her family rises up before me, and I know it would. And so I am
determined to remain silent, for if I give in to a moment
of weakness, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Saturday 19th April
I have remained true to my resolve not to visit the parsonage, but my good intentions have been thwarted by
my tendency to walk in the park, and three times now I
have come upon Elizabeth.The first time was by chance;
the second and third times, I seemed to find myself there
whether I would or not. From doing nothing more than
doffing my hat and asking after her health on the first
occasion, I have come to say more, and this morning I
betrayed my thoughts to an alarming degree.
βYou are enjoying your stay at Hunsford, I hope?β I
asked her when I met her.
It was an innocent question.
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βYes, I am, thank you.β
βYou find Mr and Mrs Collins in good health?β
βI do.β
βAnd happy, I trust?β
βI believe so.β
βRosings is a fine house.β
βIt is, though it is difficult to find my way about. I have
become lost on one or two occasions. When I tried to
find the library, I walked into the parlour instead.β
βIt is not to be expected that you would find your
way round it all at once. Next time you visit Kent you
will have a better opportunity to become acquainted
with it.β
She looked astonished at this, and I berated myself
inwardly. I had almost betrayed my feelings, which in that
incautious sentence had suggested the idea that the next
time she visited Kent she would be staying at Rosings,
and how could she do that unless she was my wife? But
indeed, it grows harder and harder to be circumspect. I
ought to leave at once, and put myself out of harmβs way.
But if I do, it will arouse comment, so I must endure a
little while longer. Colonel Fitzwilliam and I will be
leaving soon, and then I will be safe.
Tuesday 22nd April
I am in torment.After all my promises to myself.After all
my resolutions, this β this! β is the result.
I cannot believe the events of the last few hours. If
only I could put them down to a fever of the brain, but
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there is no doubt they happened. I have offered my hand
to Elizabeth Bennet.
I should not have gone to see her. I had no need to
do it, merely because she did not join us for tea. She
had a headache. What lady does not
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