Preface to Murder by M Morris (funny books to read txt) 📕

steady stream of Ryan’s banter and ribald jokes, and beginning to relax. He sipped his pint and wondered where Ffion was, and what she was doing right now. If this Marion was a researcher at the university, she was probably just Ffion’s type. Jake pictured a tall, slim blonde with a penetrating stare and a talent for turning men into blocks of ice. Another version of Ffion, in fact.

‘Another round, lads?’ asked Ryan, breaking into his thoughts.

‘Not for me,’ said Andy, finishing his drink. ‘I need to get back to the wife and kids.’

‘Me, neither,’ said Harry, who was a teetotaller and had been drinking lime and soda. ‘I want to fit in a session down the gym.’

Jake tore open the packet of salt and vinegar crisps, admiring Harry’s self-discipline. It was no wonder that the young detective constable was so lean and trim. Yet all that fitness sounded like way too much hard work.

Ryan stared at Harry incredulously. ‘You’re going to the gym on a Saturday night?’

‘Yes,’ said Harry. ‘I’ve got a slot booked for seven thirty. It’s a popular time. Maybe you should give it a try yourself. You’re putting on a bit of flab.’

Ryan examined himself, prodding at his belly in curiosity. ‘This is not flab. I’ve just banked a few extra pounds ready for a rainy day.’

‘Well, just saying,’ said Harry, standing up to leave. ‘Maybe you should try pumping iron now and again.’

‘Nah, you’re all right,’ said Ryan. ‘I’ll stick to lifting pints.’ He looked to Andy. ‘Just another half?’ he asked hopefully.

‘Sorry. I don’t want to be late back. Sally’s got a home-cooked lasagne in the oven, and I don’t want to miss that.’

‘Right, lucky you,’ said Ryan. ‘If someone was cooking me a lasagne, I’d probably be rushing off too. If I want a lasagne, I have to microwave one from the supermarket. It’s not the same.’

‘You could learn to cook,’ said Andy.

Ryan looked as if Andy had just suggested he take up the flying trapeze. ‘Geez, what is it with all the advice all of a sudden?’ He waved farewell to Andy and Harry, and went to the bar to get more pints in.

Jake didn’t refuse. He might as well hang out with Ryan for a bit. It wasn’t as if he had anything better to do.

Ryan returned to the table with a pint in each hand. ‘So, to business,’ he said, sitting down and passing one of the beers across to Jake. ‘We need to sort out your love life.’

‘What?’ said Jake, coughing as he mis-swallowed a mouthful of beer.

‘Romance,’ said Ryan. ‘That’s what’s missing from your life, and it’s time we got it sorted. You’ve had more than enough time to get over your break-up with Ffion, and in any case my detective instincts tells me that she’s already moved on. That ship has sailed, mate, so let’s get you fixed up with someone new.’

‘Who did you have in mind?’ asked Jake warily. He glanced around the pub, wondering if Ryan had already fixed him up with a blind date. If he’d known that Ryan was planning this, he’d never have agreed to come out to the pub.

‘Not who,’ said Ryan, ‘but how.’ He pulled out his mobile phone. ‘Internet dating.’

‘You have got to be joking.’

‘Me? Joking?’ said Ryan. ‘When does that ever happen? Seriously, mate, don’t judge it till you’ve tried it.’

Jake took another swig of his beer, making sure that this went down the right way. ‘And you’re an expert, I guess?’ Ryan might not like receiving advice, but he wasn’t shy when it came to dishing it out.

‘As it happens, I’ve had some considerable success in that area,’ said Ryan. ‘And I hate to see you being left on the shelf. Stay there too long, and you’ll be past your sell-by date before you know it.’

‘I’m not anywhere near my sell-by date,’ said Jake. ‘People don’t even have sell-by dates. And anyway, if you’ve had such amazing success with internet dating, why are you in the pub with me instead of in the arms of some gorgeous woman?’

‘An act of selfless charity on my part,’ said Ryan. ‘I am sacrificing the pleasures of my own Saturday night in order to get you some. Now, come on, get your phone out.’

Jake pulled his phone out of his pocket with a sigh. Ryan obviously wasn’t going to let the matter drop, so he might as well play along. Anyway, maybe Ryan was right for once. Maybe this was the best way for him to meet someone. Had Ffion met Marion on an internet dating site? He’d never considered it before.

‘This is the best app I’ve found,’ said Ryan, showing Jake his phone.

Jake typed in the name of the app and his screen was soon displaying pictures of happy, smiling couples, assurances of trust and safety, and the offer of thousands of potential partners. He was only looking for one.

‘You just give them a few details about yourself,’ said Ryan, ‘and then sit back and wait for the matches to come flooding in.’

To be honest, it didn’t look too hard. Jake selected “male” looking for a “female”, gave his date of birth and said he lived in Oxford. He needed to submit a photograph of himself but he didn’t have any recent ones on his phone.

‘Give it here. I’ll take a picture of you.’ Ryan snapped a few shots, selected the best one and handed the phone back to Jake.

‘How should I describe myself?’ asked Jake.

‘Normally, I’d say add an inch or two to your height, but in your case’ – Ryan looked up – ‘I don’t think there’s any need. Just say you’ve got a great sense of humour. Girls always go for that. Whatever you do, don’t mention your musical tastes.’

‘What’s wrong with my