GLASS SOUP by Jonathan Carroll (funny books to read .txt) 📕

about it: Who else in your life did you ever love so much? Who else did you trust with all your heart, confess to with complete confidence, or turn to for help in bad situations? Me.

“Your parents were weirdos; all of the women you had gave you some joy here and there, but never enough to make your heart peaceful. And you would never have dreamed of telling your men friends your secrets. Think about all of that and then you do the math.”

Bob had exactly the kind of voice Haden had imagined when he had “conversations” with the bear years ago. Deep and sweet, it was a friendly voice that put its arm around your shoulder and pulled you in close. Tell me everything, it said. You can trust me. And little Simon Haden had trusted his stuffed bear in every possible way. Looking at it now, although the version in front of him was much larger than the original, a thousand childhood memories leapt across Haden’s mind. He quickly realized that the animal was right: Bob the Bear had been his god. It had possessed every wonderful quality that we attribute to a benevolent deity, and then some. Best of all, it was a god that had always been right there for the boy, always a glance or an arm’s length away, ready to be relied on, ready to be held, ready to be turned to when thunder, or his parents’ loud arguing voices, or the monsters lurking under the bed threatened him. When any of these things attacked his world and sent little Simon Haden running for any kind of safety he could find, Bob was always there. Thank God for Bob. Thank God for God.

“I’ve gotta say, Simon, you don’t look so good.”

“Well maybe that’s because I’m dead, Bob.”

“No, it’s not that.” The bear walked in a large slow circle around the man. “Tired, that’s what it is—you look tired. How come?”

Haden tipped one shoulder. “I don’t sleep so well here.”

“Is that right? Why’s that?”

Haden slid his hands into his pockets and shrugged. “I don’t know. Look, could you please tell me what I’m doing here? This whole thing makes me incredibly uptight, not knowing a thing. I think I’d feel a whole lot better if I knew what it was about.”

“Isabelle Neukor.”

Haden jerked to attention. “Who?”

“Your Isabelle. Don’t play dumb now.”

“Isabelle.” Haden said the name like it was new to his tongue, like just saying it made everything a little bit better. “What about her?”

“She’s in trouble and you’ve got to help her. That’s why I’m here. That’s why we’re talking.”

Haden now felt a tug of relief in one direction, alarm in another. This wasn’t about him. It wasn’t his fault, as had usually been the case throughout his life. But it was about Isabelle. She was in trouble. As a dead man what could he do for her?

“I’m dead—what can I do for her?”

“She’s here, in your world, Simon. You’ve got to find her.”

Haden’s heart wrenched. “She’s here? She died? Isabelle died?”

Bob shook its big white head. “No, she’s still alive. But Chaos keeps bringing her here and now it thinks it has found a way of making her stay.”

“I don’t understand this. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Okay. Sit down, Simon.” Haden gestured that there was no chair for him to sit on. Bob pointed to the one behind the desk. “Sit there—take mine.”

Haden sat and Bob began. “I was sent here because this thing is a lot larger than you could grasp. It was thought that if it were explained to you by someone familiar—”

“Bob, I’m confused enough already. Just give me the facts.”

“Okay, fair enough. Did you know that Isabelle is pregnant?”

Simon Haden died a little bit again then. No, he did not know Isabelle was pregnant. Nor was it news he wanted to ever hear, whether he was alive or dead. Not only had he lost Isabelle in life, but now as a dead man he learned that someone else had won her, hands-down, finito-basta, totally. Enough so that she was having his baby. Haden hated the thought. At that moment he hated it about as much as he hated being dead.

“No, I didn’t know that. Who’s child—Vincent Ettrich?”

“Yes, but there’s much more to it than that.” Bob continued talking but Haden tuned it out. Torturing himself, he pictured Isabelle and Ettrich rolling around everywhere—in a bed, in a car, on the ground, standing up… He tore himself apart fantasizing about Isabelle fucking, being fucked, moaning, moving, loving it, loving the person she had her beautiful long legs and heart wrapped around. Vincent Ettrich, that son of a bitch.

Another reason why this image tormented Haden was knowing that Ettrich had been as much of a shameless cocksman as he. Isabelle Neukor hadn’t given her heart to some virtuous Galahad who kneeled before her altar and had never entertained a dirty thought in his life. Oh no, she was in love with Vincent Ettrich, who’d had more ass than a toilet seat.

“Simon, you’re not listening to me.”

Looking blankly at his oldest friend, Haden forgot where he was for a moment. When he remembered he felt like the naughty student caught dozing by the teacher in the middle of a lesson.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Bob. Please excuse me. What were you saying?”

Caustically, the polar bear asked, “Do you want to know the secret of the universe?”

Haden heard the question and it did register in him somewhere, but in a distant unused room way on the other side of his mental house.

“What? What did you say?”

“I asked if you want to know the secret of the universe.”

“No!” Simon Haden answered immediately.

Bob was surprised. “Why not?”

Haden held up a hand traffic cop–style to stop any further discussion of the topic. “What would I do with it? Huh? Sell it on eBay? Look, I’m confused enough in this place learning the basics, Bob. You know what I mean? Addition and subtraction—I don’t know how