What Remains by Bailey Bradford (to read list txt) 📕

lost the man he’d loved years ago only to regain his friendship in this unusual way. Laine had grown so used to the way things were now with him and Conner that he managed to leave the past in the past.

But sometimes it hurt, and he wished Conner was there in the flesh, so he could hug his old friend and see Conner for himself.

As if Conner sensed his mood, he caressed Laine’s cheek with an unmistakable touch.

“Keep working on that and maybe you’ll be able to appear to me.” Laine shook his head. “Don’t listen to the rambling of an old fool. I’m just melancholy and contrary all at once.”

A soft ripple of sound flitted past his ear. Laine cursed his moody self as his eyes burned and he closed them against the threat of unshed tears. He was just tired, and the more he thought about it, the more he felt like he needed to take a vacation—something Sev usually had to force him to do.

“You’re looking awful contemplative, there.”

Laine opened his eyes and found Zeke Matthers leaning against his doorway.

“Door was open,” Zeke said. “Brendon’s at Virginia’s Café picking up dinner for us. Thought I’d stop in and see how you were doing.”

Laine leaned back in his chair. “Uh huh. And your mama didn’t have anything to do with you showing up here?”

Zeke hitched one shoulder up in a lazy shrug. “So what if she did? I’m here, extending a friendly hand, so to speak. Maybe a friendly ear.”

“I’m just tired,” Laine said. And that was all he meant to say, but his damned mouth rebelled against his brain. “Sometimes I get a bit down about a few things, like not being able to see Conner, you know, or touch him. Not that I want to do anything improper with him, but to be able to hug him, to hear him tell me himself that he’s happy… And the thing is, I know he’s all right. Sev can tell, so there’s that. It’s just not the same, and I realize all at once, just out of the blue, what I lost when I lost him. Not as a lover, but as a person. Conner was—” He struggled to find more of the damned words that he hadn’t wanted to let out. “Conner was one of those vibrant people, you know, and now he’s a vibrant spirit, so why do I get to feeling like this?”

Laine hadn’t been able to meet Zeke’s gaze for most of that babble-fest, but he did then, telling himself to get a backbone.

Zeke hadn’t budged an inch, but there was something in his expression that matched up with how Laine was feeling.

“Yeah, I get that, actually,” Zeke said after a moment. “My mom is here but not, and it’s great, on the one hand. At least I have her on some level, but goddamn, there are times I could use a hug and a pat on the head. And advice, yeah. Let me tell you, my mama had advice on everything, and once I got my head out of my ass and grew up, I listened to her. She wasn’t ever wrong. But…” He sighed. “I guess we have to learn to do things for ourselves. Grieve, for instance. When it comes to who we’ve lost, you and me, I mean, well we haven’t had to grieve like most people do. At first, sure, but when you found out Conner was still here in spirit, didn’t you get this big, warm ball of happiness that just spread out from your chest to every part of your body?”

Laine would have teased Zeke about being so chatty at any other time. Neither he nor Laine were given to long dialogues in general. This wasn’t anything to joke about, however, and maybe there was a reason Zeke was standing there besides being nagged to do so by his mama. Maybe it was this loss and guilt over still feeling such a loss, when they had one of the people they loved back with them.

“Yeah,” Laine finally answered. “Yeah, after I freaked the hell out when I found out about Conner, I was pretty happy to have him around. Even if he did mess with my stuff just for kicks.”

“At least he doesn’t go around patting your partner on the ass,” Zeke said wryly.

Laine gave him an arch look.

Zeke laughed.

“Conner likes to pull hair and pinch, too, though not hard, just enough to get a yelp out of Sev,” Laine admitted.

Zeke stood up straight and grinned. “Mama patted Brendon on his butt one of the first times Brendon stayed with me. About scared a decade off the poor man’s life.”

“I’d have paid to see that,” Laine said. “You’re lucky Brendon didn’t run off for good.”

“I know it. He’s better than I deserve.” Zeke glanced at his watch. “Aren’t you off duty?”

Laine checked the time. “Yeah, and I’m not gonna let the door hit me on the ass on the way out.”

Zeke chuckled, and together they left the building, talking about the weather and everyday things.

Laine parted ways with Zeke at the parking lot. He felt better having talked to Zeke, but he sure hoped he wasn’t going to become some emotional mess who spilled their drama all over the first person who looked at them with sympathy.

The very idea of it was ridiculous. Laine stopped by his truck and glanced up at the bright blue sky. Two small, ragged clouds were overhead, doing little to encourage any hope of rain.

What happened when a person died and their soul, their spirit, didn’t hang around like Conner’s and Mrs. Matthers’? Was there a Heaven, and if so, what about Hell?

Laine had more questions than ever, and no way of knowing the answers. For a man who liked everything to be black or white, it was frustrating, but he’d also learned that few things in life were sure things.

The love he felt for Sev, that was one thing that wouldn’t