A Christmas to Dismember by Addison Moore (best desktop ebook reader TXT) 📕

looks sick at the thought—“she’s not shooting candy out of her rear. I’ve been finding those Tootsie Rolls of hers all over the house.” She says Tootsie Rolls with air quotes.

“That’s too bad,” I say. “Maybe you should take her out to go potty a little bit more?”

Her face smooths out. “You mean I’m supposed to take her out?”

The waitress comes back with four huge orders of poppers and a round of ice water.

“Something stronger, sister,” Juni insists as she pushes the water aside. “Give me the house special.”

“And I’ll take what she’s having,” Georgie says.

The blonde in a tight little blue dress nods. “Two tequila slammers coming right up. And you, miss?” She offers to put one in for me and I quickly decline.

The three of us dive right into those bacon-covered delights—some of us with far more vigor than others—and soon both Georgie and Juni are pounding their fists to the table and stomping their heels to the floor. Interestingly enough, their silent cries for help happen to coincide with the rhythm of the music, and soon the entire establishment seems to be joining in on the foot stomping fun.

Both Georgie and Juni shove glasses to their faces, and water and ice alike go flying.

“Elegant.” I wink over at them as they pant and gasp.

“Danger danger, Will Robinson!” Georgie shouts.

“I doubt anyone in here is old enough to remember that.” I shrug. “But I do and I can appreciate the warning.”

“Don’t worry, Mama.” Juni gives a few hard blinks as the tears start flowing and her mascara melts into a muddy river. “I’ll box ‘em up. This will feed the dog for a month.”

“What?” A choking sound emits from me. “What part of that firecracker in the piñata euphemism didn’t you understand?”

“Never mind that.” Georgie swills her water my way. “We’ve got a proposal to plot.”

“Oh, is it Emmie’s?” Juni bounces in her seat as if she were the one Leo was about to propose to.

Georgie waves the idea off. “Emmie’s got this in the bag. I say we plot Hux and Mayor Woods’ budding fiasco. And get this—they’re both proposing to each other.”

I nod. “And they’ve both asked me to plan out the mockery to matrimony. Juni, you’ve been married a few times. How did all your future exes pop the question?”

“Let’s see”—she squints at the ceiling—“Junior flashed his knife my way and, of course, I said hell yeah. I just had my nails done and didn’t want to deal with having blood on my hands.”

“His or yours,” I muse.

“Both.” Her head ticks to the side. “Then there was your daddy. I darn near fell out of bed when he asked.”

“I did not need to know that.” Speaking of blood relatives, I glance around to make sure Macy is still alive and spot her doing a spicy version of the two-step out on the dance floor. “And number three?”

Juni shrugs. “It was some guy I met at a bar in Edison. We were riding the mechanical bull together and he said, ‘If you don’t fall off, I’m marrying you.’ It was a threat he made good on.”

“Smooth,” I say as the rhythmic clapping from the dance floor hits new heights.

A loud whoop followed by chanting comes from the right and we see a girl doing a handstand on what looks to be a keg of beer. About three beefy men are holding her in the position while a young brunette who looks all of thirteen shoots beer into her mouth. The woman’s blonde hair dangles around her face, and I can’t help but notice she’s wearing a pair of silver spiked heels.

“Hey, those shoes look familiar,” I say, standing up, and sure enough, my saucy big sis is having liquor streamed right into her pie hole.

“Wait a minute.” Juni jumps to her feet as well. “Nobody outperforms me when it comes to keg stands.” She takes off like a leather-clad bullet as Georgie stretches by my side.

“Welp. I’m ready,” she announces.

“To leave?” Because so am I.

“Are you kidding? We’re not leaving until we’ve cuffed the perp and roughed him up with a butter knife.”

My lips twist. “I don’t think we’ll be assaulting anyone with a butter knife tonight. Besides, I actually like tonight’s mark. I think he has some information that might help me nail the killer. In fact, that’s my mark right over there.” I nod to the bar where Warwick sits ensconced with a blonde on either side of him.

“Well hello, hot and hairy. I’m calling dibs on this one, Biz. I specialize in furry men with a little extra to hold onto at night.” She makes a beeline his way, and I quickly follow.

Note to self: Clearly delineate to all parties I may have inadvertently hauled along with me, that under no condition are they allowed to hit on suspects. It’s bad enough Macy might have had her way with the killer, right after he had his way with Quinn by way of an axe.

And I need Warwick willing to talk about suspects, not planning a covert op at Georgie’s cottage that may or may not involve nudity. And for the love of God, I pray it doesn’t.

Georgie frowns over at the two blondes cuddling up to Warwick. “Justin Bieber just walked in and announced that he’s looking for a couple of golden-haired cuties to put in his next video. And he’s giving out free candy canes, too!”

“I’m a golden-haired cutie!” The one on the right takes off in a blur.

“How I’d love to take a bite out of his candy cane.” The girl on the left zips off so fast Warwick’s head is left on a swivel.

Georgie and I plant ourselves on their stools, and my seat has been nicely warmed for me.

“Well hello, ladies.” Warwick chuckles as he looks from Georgie to me, and I can’t help but chuckle back as I take him in with those reindeer antlers jingling softly on his head and that red plastic nose. “I can scoot