The Silent Suspect by Nell Pattison (epub e ink reader .TXT) 📕

car I tucked my notebook back in my handbag, frustrated that I hadn’t had time to ask him about Caroline and Nadia’s relationship at work. It would have to wait; I had other things on my mind today.

I let myself in to Max’s flat, and found him in the kitchen. We hugged, but I could feel the tension across his shoulders as we did. I was nervous; part of me wanted to run out of there and put the conversation off for another day, or week, or maybe even a month. But I knew it was time, and I forced myself to take a deep breath.

Come on, I said, beckoning him into the living room. We need to talk.

He nodded and followed me in, sitting down on the sofa next to me.

You promised you’d give me an answer today, he reminded me. His leg jiggled up and down and he couldn’t seem to sit still.

I know, and I will. I took a couple of deep breaths. Thank you for being patient with me. I know it’s been hard for you to do that.

He nodded, but let me continue.

I have thought about it a lot, all week, I told him. I’ve thought about the pros and cons of both sides, until I could barely sleep. But I think right now, the fairest thing is for me to say no. I’m sorry, I’m not ready to move in with you.

Max sat back against the sofa cushions and ran a hand through his hair. Why? he signed, without looking at me.

I’m not ready for that sort of life change yet, I told him. I like things the way they are. I like having my own flat and my independence.

He looked anguished. I would never take away your independence. Why would you say something like that?

If I lived with you it would be different, I told him. Our lives would be different, and our relationship would change.

In a good way! Don’t you want to spend more time with me? He leant forward, his elbows on his knees. Paige, I love you. I want to wake up with you every morning. I want to see you every evening, and ask how your day went. I want us to plan holidays together – we’ve never even been away for a weekend together.

Exactly, I pointed out. So moving in together would be too big a step right now.

Max shook his head again, exasperated. That’s not what I’m saying. You’re always stalling, Paige. Whenever I try to suggest we go away, there’s a reason why you can’t, or don’t want to. He looked me in the eyes. Don’t you want a serious relationship, Paige? Don’t you want to live with the person you love, maybe even get married, have children? Have a life together?

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell him that there had been many times when I’d imagined having that in my life, and I knew there was a big part of me that wanted it. But I’d never been able to see that happening with Max. But if I didn’t want it with Max, should I even be with him at all?

As these thoughts bounced around my mind, my hesitation must have given Max a clue.

Shit, he signed, standing up and walking over to the other side of the room. Shit, shit, shit. Are we breaking up? Is that what’s happening?

I hesitated again, and that was all the answer he needed. What the hell, Paige? I thought you loved me? I thought we loved each other?

Standing up, I approached him but he backed away from me. Is there someone else?

No, you know I’d never do that to you, I told him, hurt that he’d even ask. I didn’t intend to come here and break up with you. I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. But if I don’t feel ready to move in with you, and can’t see that sort of a future for us, maybe you’re better off without me.

Don’t you dare do that, he said, pointing a finger at me. Don’t you dare suggest you’re doing this because it’s the best thing for me. It’s not what I want. None of this is what I want. I want you to move in with me and spend the rest of your life with me, but that’s obviously not going to happen.

He buried his face in his hands, his shoulders trembling. Tears sprang into my eyes and I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I knew it wouldn’t be welcome. I waited until he looked up at me again, a complex mixture of anger, hurt and confusion in his eyes.

I’m sorry, I signed. I don’t want to hurt you. It felt empty, but what else could I say?

He shook his head. Just go.

Swallowing hard, I did as he asked, but once I was in my car I rested my head on the steering wheel and sobbed.

Chapter 18

I wasn’t known for my exceptional cooking skills, but my speciality was my lasagne, and by the time Anna got home I had one ready to go in the oven. One of the ingredients for the sauce was red wine, and whilst a generous slug had gone in the pan while I was cooking, the majority had gone in me. My sister saw my glass and reached for the bottle to pour herself some and raised an eyebrow when she saw it was nearly gone.

You started early, she joked.

I’d told myself I’d keep it together when she arrived home, and tell her matter-of-factly that I’d broken up with Max but didn’t want to talk about it. Of course, as soon as she looked at me my face crumpled and I burst into tears. She wrapped her arms around me and let me sob; every time I tried to lift my hands up to tell her what had happened they shook too much for me to sign clearly.

Is it Max? she asked.

I nodded.

You told