Something Old by Rebecca Connolly (autobiographies to read txt) 📕

Lily cleared her throat. “Thomas and I came to Cornwall to get out of London and try to find joy in our marriage. To grow closer. We’ve been apart for so long, despite living under the same roof.”

“Ah,” Julia said, reaching for a bit of cake. “So you’ve grown accustomed to no attention, and now find yourself at the mercy of an excess of it.”

“Yes, I suppose.” Lily bit her lip gently, her brow furrowing in thought. “I don’t dislike it, not in the least.”

“That’s because ee be a woman with red blood in ee,” Emblyn pointed out with a snort. “Bit of a touch, and we go barking mad.”

Julia nodded, considering that. “That is a very valid point. In our society, with our obsession of never touching unless wearing gloves regardless of the situation, the feeling of skin-on-skin is rather igniting, is it not?”

“Why does that sound vulgar?” Lily asked as her face burned.

“Because we’ve been trained to always wear gloves,” Julia insisted. “It is the very point. Spend an evening holding your husband’s hand wearing gloves, then take them off and hold it without. See what takes you over then, my dear, and you’ll understand.”

Lily stared at her friend in almost horror, yet a tickle of anticipation began to claw at her stomach, and she knew that the moment the opportunity presented itself, she would do exactly as her friend had suggested.

“I didn’t know,” Lily murmured, her resistance against confiding in her completely fading. “I didn’t know that a marriage or a relationship could be like this. I knew it could be more than what we’d had, which was a void of sorts. The occasional dinner conversation and nothing more. I didn’t know it could be addicting to be in his company. That I would smile simply thinking of his smile. That my heart would leap in remembering his kiss. I feel as though I might go mad with missing him from the moment we part at night until I see him in the morning.”

“Then ee’d best stop partin’ afore bed,” Emblyn remarked with a quirk of her brow, lifting her teacup as politely as any fine woman might have.

Lily chose to ignore the comment, though she was sure her cheeks would never again resume a calm shade. “But more than that, I feel afraid.”

“Afraid?” Julia cried, seeming startled by the very mention of the emotion, given the context of their conversation. “Of what, Lily? Granger clearly adores you, what could there possibly be to fear in that?”

How could she explain the heart of her concerns when neither of these women had known her from the beginning? Who had not seen the previous nature of her marriage, the behavior of her husband, and the behavior of herself? How could she explain to women who did not have her previous way of life to compare to the heady bliss she now had?

To them, Thomas would seem the epitome of all husbands, a man heartily enjoying his marriage of affection and doting upon his wife. They didn’t know how distant he had been. How private and silent. How unwilling to interact, and unencouraging in behavior. They didn’t know how many social evenings Lily had endured with him where she had to feign indifference. Where she had sadly watched him leave her side, wishing, just once, he would be pleased to be with her. How she’d ached to be mistaken for a happy couple on such an occasion.

Could she disillusion them in such a way by expressing her fears? What if the man Thomas had been prior to Cornwall was more fitting with his natural temperament than this man he was now?

“What if it doesn’t last?” she finally asked, feeling it was the best manner in which she could express her concerns without going into great detail. “What if this heady delirium I find myself in fades and all I have are memories of it?” Her throat began to clog with emotion, and her eyes began to well with unexpected tears.

Julia set her tea aside and reached out a hand to her, which Lily took, gripping for a moment before she could bring herself to meet her eyes. When she did, Julia smiled gently. “I have been married to John for three years now. Ours was a marriage of love and affection. There are a few things I have learned that I would like to share with you. I am no expert, but I think I can help. Will you let me?”

“Of course,” Lily said at once. “I’ll take any help I can get.”

Julia nodded once. “First of all, the delirium will undoubtedly fade. It always does.”

“What?” Lily tried to pull her hand away in distress, but Julia held fast.

“Listen,” Julia insisted in a firm, no-nonsense voice. “Not all of this will be easy to hear, which is why I asked if you would let me share. I am your friend, and I would not discourage you intentionally.”

That, at least, was true, and Lily could have said that herself if she had been calm enough to truly listen rather than only hear.

“I apologize,” Lily murmured. “Truly. Please, tell me.”

Her apology made Julia smile, and she rubbed her hand soothingly. “As I said, the delirium does fade. Not the emotion behind the delirium, not the love in your heart or his, but the madness that comes with fully embracing that love will fade. It’s only natural that it does so, given the adjustment we make to feeling such things regularly. What becomes normal is no longer something that steals our breath.”

When it was put that way, Lily supposed that it did make sense. After all, the longer she was married to Thomas, the less it became a point of excitement. Of course, she was happy to be married to him, but it did not give her the same thrill as it did in the earliest days.

So the breathless rush of recent days would settle within her? That was both comforting and disconcerting.