GLASS SOUP by Jonathan Carroll (funny books to read .txt) 📕

family once took a trip to London and I made them all go to the Victoria and Albert Museum just so I could see the bones of one they have there.

“The greatest gift I ever received was Isabelle Neukor found a Troodon tooth for sale in an auction catalog somewhere and got it for me.”

Haden tried to look interested but was not. He just wanted to make sure that fucking mega-lizard wasn’t going to eat him.

“What are you doing here, Simon?”

“I came to see you.”

“Obviously, but why?”

He didn’t know exactly what to say next. It was a precarious moment: he was strictly forbidden to tell her anything he had learned about death. That was taboo, off limits, no way. All of it had to come from her. He had to find out how much Leni knew and then he could proceed from there.

“Will Mr. Jurassic Park mind if I sit down?” He pointed to the dinosaur which was now looking at him with cold-eyed interest. Haden tried to make his question come out sounding light and funny. It didn’t.

“Troodons were carnivores. They only ate meat,” she said while reaching down for another burger. Haden thought it best to remain standing.

They’d had their affair. It had been a good one too for the short while it lasted and that’s what made Leni angry, even now. She’d gone into it knowing full well that Simon was a Casanova and wouldn’t stick around long. Fair enough—she knew that but said yes anyway because an affair was exactly what she wanted at the time.

The problem was Simon Haden possessed a quality few males do. It was an instinctive thing that most of the men who had it didn’t even know was there. Yet it was the most formidable part of their arsenal: they made you feel totally comfortable when you were together with them. On the street, in bed, having lunch, having sex, having a laugh, a walk or whatever—it didn’t matter. You breathed normally with them. You didn’t feel any need to put on airs or puff out your chest or pretend to be someone you weren’t. Yes, this fellow wanted to be in your pants, but he also wanted to be in your head and hang around together sharing the day. You felt that whenever you were with him. You were certain that you were exactly where he wanted to be at that moment. The things you said or did genuinely interested him.

That’s why Leni so disliked Vincent Ettrich—because he possessed that same uncommon quality. Every time she was around Vincent, she remembered the fiasco with Simon and it rubbed her wounds. Because just when she’d gotten comfortable and content in the space she’d created with Haden, he walked out on her. Now here he was again, the first time she’d seen him since he left.

“You didn’t answer me—why are you here?”

He thought Here we are and we’re both dead and she’s feeding a dinosaur and I just crossed a universe to reach her but now I don’t know how to begin to say what I came for.

“What was it like for you?”

He looked at her, not understanding the context of her question. “Hmm? what do you mean?”

“When you died, Simon. What was it like for you? I was murdered.” She said it quietly, not showing any of the rage, the confusion, or the helplessness that had constantly roiled inside her since the moment she understood she was dead. Right now she wanted to grab Haden and shake him, shouting It isn’t fair! It isn’t right! It has to be put right again. This isn’t possible. It can’t be possible. But Haden saw none of that because showing her emotions had never been Leni’s way, not before, not now.

Her dinosaur made a kind of whinny like a horse. It wanted some more meat.

Haden couldn’t stop himself—in a haze he walked over to her bench and sat down heavily on the corner farthest away from the beast. “You know you’re dead?”

She pointed her little finger at the Troodon. “You can’t feed hamburgers to dinosaurs in the real world, Simon. Yes, I’ve known for quite a while.”

“You figured it out that quickly?”

She said nothing, but the hint of a sly smile floated somewhere near her lips.

He saw it and couldn’t let the subject go. “Leni, you really figured it out that quickly?”

“It took about half a day after I got here. When I saw the second Troodon I knew. When I was a little girl I dreamt of them all the time.” She couldn’t resist telling him the truth.

“Damn!” Haden threw up a hand and blew through his lips in disgust. The sense of great pride and achievement he’d felt at having found Leni Salomon suddenly melted inside him now like an ice cube inside a microwave oven. How long had it taken him to realize that he was dead? Forever? Half of forever?

“I don’t want you here, Simon. I want you to leave.” She closed her eyes and dropped her head. All he could think to do then was stare at the Troodon.

When she opened her eyes a moment later and saw him, she appeared surprised. “You’re still here. Why are you still here?” Her voice was a demand.

“Leni, we’ve got things to talk about—important things.”

“I don’t want to talk to you, Simon. I want you to go away. Why haven’t you disappeared?”

The creature looked unhappy at the stridency in her voice. Haden wondered if a dinosaur could be trained to attack, like a dog.

“Why are you still here?”

Testily he said, “Because I want to be here, Leni.”

Her voice took on even more of an edge than his. “That’s not how it works here. This is my world, these are my dreams. If I don’t want something to be here, I say that and it disappears.” To prove her point she turned to the dinosaur and said, “Go away.” The creature literally evaporated. Without giving him a chance to digest that astonishing vision,