Monster Hunter Bloodlines - eARC by Larry Correia (read a book .txt) 📕

“Money’s not worth dying over.”

“Somebody is dying though. That’s why I need a lot of cash fast, to save her.”

“Who?” I asked.

“It’s a long story.”

“You didn’t mention that earlier.”

“Why would I tell you people anything? It’s Hunters who made her sick to begin with.”

“Sure. This is all because her grandma needs a spleen transplant or something. Those copays are killer.” Holly turned on her laser and a bright green dot appeared on Sonya’s forehead. “Scrunch down a little, Milo.”

“Hold your fire,” Milo ordered.

“Why?” Holly asked. “You actually believe her?”

“Kind of, and maybe we can help. Chad was my friend. If his family is in need, helping them is the least I can do. Plus, no offense, Holly, but I was one of the people who taught you to shoot, remember? If any of you guys are going to be launching bullets around my head, it should be Z.”

That was quite the compliment coming from Milo. “Thanks, man.”

“Well, all things considered, I’d prefer Julie, but she’s not here.”

“Fine.” Holly slowly lowered her gun. “I did warn you to scrunch down first.”

“Do you people ever shut up?” Sonya shouted, exasperated. “Okay. Don’t shoot. I’ll let him go—”

Except Sonya’s impending surrender was moot, as Earl Harbinger suddenly appeared behind her and grabbed the tomahawk by the handle. Luckily for her, Earl was back in human form. If he’d still been in werewolf form, he probably would’ve swatted her head off her neck. Instead, he just roughly shoved her and Milo to the ground and kept the weapon.

“What the hell are you thinking, girl?” Earl stood there, angry, wearing nothing but the mud and leaves stuck to him. That wasn’t shocking for most of us. When your boss is a werewolf, you learn to expect the occasional incident of workplace nudity. “These Hunters risked their lives to save your fool ass, and that’s how you thank them? That’s downright disgraceful.”

“Sorry, Earl.” And shockingly enough, either Sonya was the best actor ever, or she really did feel sheepish about it. “I didn’t know that was Milo.”

“Because threatening to kill one of my other people is somehow better?” He extended a hand and helped his old friend up. “You okay, Milo?”

“Only thing hurt is my pride,” said the humblest man any of us knew. “She got the drop on me.”

“Yeah. She does that to folks.”

“I said I was sorry. This is a desperate situation, okay? I wasn’t lying about a life being at stake. I’ll explain everything.” Sonya covered her eyes. “But, eww, could you at least cover up or something?”

“Oh, you’ll live.” Earl tossed the tomahawk back to Trip, who caught it. “Trip, would you mind getting my gear? I left it on the back side of the barn.”

“I’ll get your pants,” Trip said.

“I mostly need my smokes.”

“I’ll get your pants,” Trip reiterated as he walked off.

“Is your little friend going to do anything else stupid?” Boone had circled back towards us, probably to get a good angle on Sonya with his rifle. “Because my guys really need to get back to work.”

“Naw, she’s done screwing around,” Earl glared at Sonya. “Ain’t you?”

She nodded sullenly.

“Good. Alright, Hunters, we should be clear to burn all of old Buford here, but the only way to get rid of a lich once and for all is to destroy his phylactery. His nasty spirit will fly right back to it to hide. Considering his history, I doubt we’ll find it here though.”

“Sounds like you guys have met before,” I said.

“Afraid so. Buford Phipps has been a nuisance since the Civil War, when he was just a mortal jackass who found a spell book and started raising zombies. Last time he popped up, Ray and Susan took him out. Before that, Leroy Shackleford destroyed him. I’ve killed him once before, way back when. Hell, it’s practically a family tradition. First time one of us killed him was Bubba Shackleford himself hitting Buford with a cannonball. If luck holds, we won’t see old Colonel Bone Head for another twenty or thirty years, when some poor bastard finds his phylactery and gets possessed again. Hmmm . . . about that, just in case . . . ”

“You heard the man,” Boone shouted at his team. “If you find a cursed artifact, do not play with the cursed artifact.”

Regular family traditions were things like do you open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, but I’d married into the Shacklefords, where the traditions were things like fighting a Confederate lich every few decades. Someday little Ray would probably get to blow up Phipps too. Good times.

Most of the Hunters went back to scouring the area for body parts, but the Newbie, Hertzfeldt, was still staring at our naked boss. “Wait. Harbinger is . . . ” He trailed off, astounded. “So that’s why we weren’t supposed to shoot the werewolf.”

“Yeah, kid,” Boone patted him on the shoulder. “That’s one of those company secrets covered by that NDA you signed in training. Now come on. Let’s go count how many reptoids got buried so we can collect us a big-ass bounty.” Boone led the bewildered Newbie away.

“It’s not as much of a secret as it used to be after the siege,” Earl muttered. It was really hard to turn into a werewolf every full moon when you’re stuck at the top of the world with hundreds of other Hunters in close proximity for a year. Trip returned with Earl’s gear. “Thanks.” First thing he did was fish out a pack of cigarettes and lighter to get his nicotine fix. He lit one and then started getting dressed. “Milo, call Skippy for an extract. Boone can clean this mess up without us. We’ve got to get this Ward somewhere safe.”

“What about me?” Sonya asked.

“Call a taxi. Or one of them Uber things they’ve got now. I told your mom I’d try to keep you safe, and we’ve more than fulfilled that promise. Then you paid back that kindness by threatening one of my men. After that behavior I’m not in the mood for any