Man-Kzin Wars XII by Larry Niven (books you have to read .TXT) 📕

a step or two went backward. A good deal of noisemaking was clearly required as well. No fewer than five kzinti gave the group immediate and undivided attention on the trip to the bridge. Fourth Trooper seemed to consider joining in as they passed, but was distracted by a fragment falling off his chunk of vegetable.

Telepath buzzed for entrance, and they paraded in a little circle while awaiting a reply. It was not prompt. "I do not believe we're going through a shipful of Heroes in a conga line," Richard said over the suit radio.

"Then where do you believe you are?" Telepath said interestedly.

Ignoring Gay's sudden laughter, Richard mused, "I suppose I could be in a tank with that ARM general doing synthetic-perception experiments on me."

Gay said, still laughing, "Why would the ARM do that?"

"Why not?"

The hatch opened before Gay could think of a reply, and she banged her tambourine and marched through.

They stopped performing once the hatch was shut again, but Charrgh-Captain looked at them for a long time before speaking. Finally he said, "Why were you doing that?"

"To avoid attention, sir," Richard said through the suit speaker.

One of the advantages of dealing with almost anyone of any intelligent species is that when you say something that makes no sense to him, he comes up with his own explanation. As expected, Charrgh-Captain thought this over, gave a brief snort of what he supposed to be comprehension, and said, "What do you want? I'm very busy."

This was manifestly true. Charrgh-Captain had apparently been alone on the bridge. That is, there did not appear to be room for another kzin underneath the incredible quantity of shredded packing foam covering every available surface there, said surfaces including the top of the kzin's head.

"Noble Sir," Telepath said, "we came seeking your wisdom to counsel us in a matter of grave importance to the security of this vessel and success of the mission."

Charrgh-Captain's manner underwent a shift, and he said formally, "What is the trouble?"

"What is the proper procedure for addressing a very superior officer said to be severely intoxicated?" Telepath asked humbly.

Charrgh-Captain thought for a moment. Then he suddenly bristled all over and roared at an astonishing volume, "Who says I'm drunk?"

"He went in there," Gay said quickly, pointing to the Captain's Battle Quarters.

The senior kzin's scream was not transliterable. He leapt through the hatchway without touching sides or deck, and Telepath hit the wall next to it an instant later and tapped out a security override on the keypad. "Nine to go," he said.

"I cannot begin to imagine what he's going to say about this," Richard said.

"I can hear him. Would you like me to tell you?" said Telepath.

"No," Richard and Gay said in unison.

The next target was supposed to be Weapons Officer, but Fourth Trooper wasn't far from the bridge when they came out, so they formed up again and circled him until he joined in. They congaed down to his quarters, went in, Richard said, "Oops!" and dropped a ball of twine, and the three of them congaed back out and sealed the door.

Weapons Officer was in his quarters already, inspecting the dispenser. Telepath reported, "He's checking the tattoo settings."

"Fine," said Gay. "Lock up."

"I feel I should interrupt him. He's not so bad as some."

"If he wants a tattoo that's his decision," Richard said.

"He's looking at pictures of butterflies," Telepath said.

The two humans thought about what life would be like for a kzin with butterflies on his ears or tail or both. They looked at each other.

"No," said Telepath.

"I'll go, I'm smaller and female and not a threat," said Gay.

Telepath curled his ears partway and said, "You must not improvise anything. Just once through, doing one thing. Please."

"All right."

Weapons Officer was contemplating images of the monarch and viceroy butterflies. The viceroy was decidedly more refined, less baroque. On the other hand, the monarch was no good to eat, which was a matter of personal dignity.

He was somewhat distracted by the sudden opening of the door of his quarters. He had stunner and wtsai out at once, but the human—the smaller one—who ran in never came near him; she just ran around the entryway twice, shouting, "Bats! Bats! Bats!" and waving her hands overhead until she ran out again.

Well, this was the kind of thing you had to expect from hunters who cremate their prey. He went over to the door, made sure it was locked, and went back to his screen, shaking his head. Bats. What were bats?

He looked them up.

In the corridor, Richard and Telepath were about equally worried. They tried to pass the time with talk, but it was no distraction:

"I have sometimes wondered what having a sapient mate would be like," Telepath remarked. "Traveling with you I have learned a great deal."

"Good or bad?"

"I am not sure I can answer that yet."

Gay came out and flung her hands about as if chasing something away from her, then stopped and looked at the door in some surprise.

"Weapons Officer just locked his door," Telepath said as Gay was entering the security code.

Richard had to be given a little shake to keep him from hysterics.

There had to be a better way.

There was.

Somewhat, anyway.

Second Flyer was amusing himself, tying knots in his pressure suit and watching them untie themselves, when he was distracted by the sound of a tiny bell. He looked around to see a little fuzzy knot of something bouncing along, jingling as it moved. He turned his body slowly, and pounced—and it jumped out of reach! This did not deter him, nor even slow him: He kept after it, bounding off walls at corners, until he had cornered it in his quarters.

Then he ate it.

One by one, Second Engineer, First Trooper, Third Trooper, and First Engineer had much the same experience.

After the first couple of times, Richard had gotten the knack of switching off the camera in a twine-wrapped medical-exploration robot before it disappeared down a kzin's incredibly toothy maw, but he was still pretty ragged. "You want