The Belle and the Beard by Kate Canterbary (good book club books .txt) 📕

"I know how to handle just about everyone." She gave me a pointed look. "Just about."

I gestured to the house because we could not talk about how thoroughly she could handle me while parked in my parents' driveway. Could not. "Then don't let me slow you down, babe."

She tucked her hair over her ear and gave me one of her sinful smiles, the ones that made all her forced, fake smiles look like a low-quality inkjet printout of her, a loose replica but nowhere near the real thing.

"As if you could."

I reached for the door handle, saying, "Stay there. I'll come around."

But she already had her door open and climbed out before I could get halfway there, the enormous bouquet of flowers she'd insisted on bringing cradled in her arm along with a small basket loaded with something called pimento cheese, olives, and a variety of crackers. "I see we're still ignoring simple requests."

"Did you really expect that to change?"

I reached into the back for the beer and wine I'd brought along. My mother didn't stock either. She didn't need it with all the weed she consumed. "Not sure what I expected from you." I didn't give her a chance to volley back, saying, "Stay with me, would you? There are no fewer than forty pumpkins on the walkway and I don't want you tripping over any of them in those shoes."

"These shoes have managed through more than a couple of pumpkins," she replied with a motion toward her fancy heels. "You need not worry about me tripping over anything."

With my free hand, I reached for her waist. "You say this yet I'm still going to hold on to you."

"Go ahead." She beamed up at me. "But do it because you want to, not because you've contrived some sense of obligation."

I didn't argue with that. Not because I didn't want to but because there were a fuckton of pumpkins on the walk and the front steps, and one of us was liable to knock a gourd over if we didn't pay attention. I led her inside and down the main hallway toward the kitchen, knowing everyone would be congregated there.

My sister Magnolia was seated at the table with Ash's fiancée Zelda beside her as they pored over some documents. Magnolia's husband Rob was perched on a stool at the island, his phone in one hand and a vegetable peeler in the other. My mother was busy inspecting a selection of sweet potatoes and didn't notice us arrive.

"Hello there," Magnolia drawled. "Hi. I'm Magnolia and I'd get up but it would take me five minutes and I'd break out in a sweat so I'm going to do everyone a favor and stay put."

"Hi. I'm Jasper. Congratulations," she said, motioning to my sister's belly.

My mother whirled around. "Linden! You didn't tell me you were here!"

"We just walked in," I said.

"Oh, I'm so thrilled you came!" My mother elbowed me out of the way to wrap Jasper in a warm hug. She leaned back, her hands still clasped on Jasper's upper arms, saying, "This green, it's such a smart color on you. I love it, I just love it. And I have to say, I cannot get over how beautiful you are."

I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been watching closely but Jasper flinched at those words. Her jaw locked and her smile turned hollow, and it was like she blinked herself away in the moment. I didn't know why or what it was about my mother's enthusiastic delivery but it didn't work for my girl. Not in the least.

"Mom," I said, edging them apart. "Pace yourself, would you? We just got here. You have all night to suffocate Jasper."

"No worries," Jasper said. "I'm okay, Lin."

"Oh my god, she calls him Lin," Magnolia whisper-yelled. "It was totally worth the drive down here to watch this live."

"Does that include the two stops we had to make?" Rob asked.

"One of them was for a bathroom," she replied.

"What was the other for?" Zelda asked.

"I needed an ice cream sandwich," Magnolia said.

Zelda nodded. "Fair."

I handed off the drinks to Rob and draped my arm around Jasper's shoulder, steering her toward the table. "Jasper, this is Zelda. She's my brother's fiancée."

"This probably sounds crazy but I've heard so much about you," Zelda said as she shook Jasper's hand. "When Ash came home from meeting with Linden that day, he had all the stories in the world. I hope that's not too weird for you. Now that I say it, I feel like it's pretty weird and I'm making this awkward."

"Well, isn't that nice," Jasper replied. "I'd be surprised if he didn't have some stories after that very special turn of events. I mean, there were about a million bats flying out my front door. That was awkward."

She gave one of her fake laughs, the ones I hated so much, but Zelda didn't seem to realize it was fake. None of them seemed to realize because they were laughing. How did they not hear it? How did they not know?

"And this is Magnolia's husband Rob," I said, moving the introduction train along. "He does very boring things with money and handles my sister's ice cream sandwich requirements with a limited amount of complaint."

"That is extremely true," Rob said as he held out his hand to Jasper.

"Now, Jasper," my mother started, "we were just talking about Magnolia's shower—"

"I don't need another shower," Magnolia interrupted. "Rob and I've both had work showers and we've had a friend shower too. I don't need the church ladies and your teacher friends throwing me a shower. We don't need anything else."

"I'm the grandmother. I get to throw a shower if I want to," my mother insisted.

"Can you make it a college savings account shower?" Rob asked. "We have way too many blankets and tiny socks. College savings accounts, we don't have any of those."

"Good luck with that," Magnolia said to him.