Ahead of his Time by Adrian Cousins (children's books read aloud .txt) 📕

watching TV with a barrel of Watney Party Seven which he’d discovered and said was quite drinkable. As I opened the lounge door and poked my head in, the TV wasn’t on. There was the aforementioned large tin of Watney’s on the table. However, I received my second unpleasant sighting of his hairy arse as it bobbed up and down, ploughing his way between two slim female legs that were tightly wrapped around his back. A complete set of red varnished nails were digging into his back as the lady beneath him repeatedly moaned, “Yes … yes … yes … yes.”

“Oh,” I blurted, as I stood there transfixed for a moment. That didn’t stop the rhythm, as he grunted and arched his back with pleasure. At that point, I quickly removed myself and headed back to the kitchen.

A few moments later, just before I thought I’d shoot back to Don’s house, Martin came scooting through to the kitchen in his underpants and slightly red in the face from his exertions. He was closely followed by a young woman dressed in platform knee-length black boots and a pair of white knickers.

“Oh Hi, Jason … err this is, this is umm—”

“Mandy,” the young lady replied, as she stood there half-naked and lit up a cigarette.

I stood there gawping. Martin turned and also gawped, probably as surprised as I was that she wandered around in just boots and knickers. She smirked, blew out some smoke and looked me up and down whilst I continued to catch flies.

“You’re not ’alf bad either; maybe a bit old. You wanna threesome?”

Martin looked at me, clearly embarrassed. I shot him a quizzical look whilst Mandy rested her free arm under her chest. She continued to puff at her cigarette with that smirk across her face.

“Both the strong silent type … I’m alright with that.” She jolted her arm up and down, which caused her breasts to wobble. “I’ve got nice tits, don’t you think?”

Martin turned, outstretching his arms as if to corral her from the kitchen. “Mandy, you’d better go … I’ll see you later in the week.”

Mandy stubbed out her cigarette in a mug on the countertop and peered over Martin’s shoulder. “Seeya,” she said, as they both left the kitchen.

There was I thinking he would be lonely and have no friends! He’d moved quickly with her and, as I stood there, I wondered where the hell he’d met her. One thing for sure, she was very young. I stayed in the kitchen, waiting for Martin to return so I could interrogate him and ensure he hadn’t blabbed his mouth off on the taboo subject. When he returned, he thankfully had thrown some clothes on. I hoped Mandy had too after I’d heard Martin close the front door.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he spat aggressively, with his arms outstretched.

“Ha, well mate, I came around as I thought you might be a bit lonely. It appears not!”

Martin grinned. “She’s a real goer!”

“Right. Yeah, I got that impression,” I replied, as I arched my eyebrows and shook my head. “Look, mate, it’s none of my business, but you were careful?”

“What, you my dad now! Did I use a condom?” he threw back, rocking his head side to side and rolling his eyes.

“No. I’m mean your tattoos and, well, you know … where you come from.”

“Oh yeah! Didn’t think about that. Don’t think she noticed them, really.”

“No, quite. Anyway, where did you meet her? She looked very young.”

“We met at school today when she came to collect her younger sister. I was fixing the hinge on one of the school gates, and we just got chatting as you do. We hit it off, and she popped back to school at the end of the day. You know how these things happen?”

“Not sure I do, to be honest.” I just didn’t get how some men just seemed to suck women to them without any effort.

Although I’d had the average amount of short relationships at Uni, they were always tricky affairs. Most wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t part of a group of lads that included Mark, Joe and Sam. There was a pecking order in the group that put Mark at the top and me at the bottom. Whenever we were clubbing, and on ‘the pull’ as it was called back then, Mark would always be the girl magnet. He was closely followed by Joe and Sam, leaving me missing out altogether. Sometimes I was lucky and managed to cop off with the remaining free girl if she felt sorry for me or had nothing better to do.

Philip, another close friend who was gay, often used to say he was my ‘wingman’. I’d never met anyone who had such a natural ability to talk to the opposite sex with no awkwardness. The girls just loved him. He would often introduce me to a group of girls and, almost immediately, the conversation would become awkward, leaving him to give me a bollocking for just standing there with a stupid grin on my face. No, I definitely didn’t ‘know how these things happen,’ as Martin had put it.

“Okay, Martin, as I said, none of my business. But please make sure you’re careful. You need to have a cover story prepared to explain your tattoos.”

“Yeah, okay. You don’t need to worry,” he replied and grinned.

“Hmmm,” I replied, not convinced Martin was taking this seriously.

I pulled open the kitchen door and glanced back at him. “How old did you say she was?”

“Who, Mandy? Nineteen, I think she said.”

“Jesus, Martin, she’s a child! You’re twelve years older than her!”

“You’re twelve years older than Jenny, so I’d keep your gob shut, mate!”

“But—”

“See you tomorrow, Jason. Oh, and knock before entering next time. You never know who I might have for company,” he smirked and shovelled me out of my own rental property, leaving my nose inches from the back door. A position relative to a door which Miss Colman was quite used to, I