The Man Who Wasn't All There by David Handler (book recommendations website TXT) 📕

‘It so happens that I’m not.’

‘I’ve always noticed that about you Yalies. When you want something you’re very direct about it. Don’t beat around the bush, as it were.’

‘Well, are you just going to sit there or what?’

I didn’t bother to answer her. Not out loud, anyhow. I turned and knelt before her. Reached my palms underneath her and cupped her bare, firm butt cheeks in my hands. Her skin was incredibly smooth. She reached for me, put her hands gently behind my bandaged head and lowered it slowly between her legs. Ever so slowly … slowly … until …

Until I felt the point of a knife against the exposed skin of my neck. Her damned folding knife. She must have tucked it inside of her sweater’s thick wristband.

I raised my head up, exceedingly carefully, and said, ‘What are you doing?’

‘I’m sorry, Hoagy.’ She sat back up, holding the open blade against my throat as I knelt there before her. ‘You have no idea how sorry. I want you so badly right now I’m soaking wet, I swear.’

‘Thanks for sharing that little detail but—’

‘I’m afraid that you have to die, too, dear. There’s no other way. I simply can’t trust you. I feel terrible about this, especially because you’ll never get to finish your novel. I know how much that means to you.’ She kissed me softly again. It was a goodbye kiss. Her lips still tasted sour. And then, with savage quickness, she grabbed my head and spun it halfway around as she went for my left ear with the knife’s razor-sharp blade.

That was when Lulu dove across the coffee table and sank her teeth deeply into Dr Annabeth McKenna’s right wrist. Annabeth let out a shriek as the knife fell to the floor and screamed in pain as Lulu clamped her wrist between her powerful jaws, growling ferociously.

That was also when the hallway door swung open and Lieutenant Carmine Tedone, who’d been standing behind the door missing none of this, rushed in with his weapon drawn. He kicked the knife farther away. ‘All good, pal?’

‘All good, Lieutenant. It’s OK, Lulu, you can let go now. Good girl.’ I patted her head. ‘Good girl. Let go.’

Lulu released her hold on Annabeth’s wrist and backed off, still growling, her eyes never leaving Annabeth.

‘Your dog bit me!’ she howled, gaping at me in shock and pain.

‘You didn’t really think she was just going to sit idly by and watch you do me bodily harm, did you?’

‘Besides, if she hadn’t bit you I would have put a bullet in your brain,’ Tedone said. ‘So consider yourself lucky.’

‘I know I sure do,’ I said. ‘There aren’t many things I can count on in this life but one of them is my fierce protector.’ I patted her again and told her she could relax now – the danger had passed. She let out a low whoop, her tail thumping. ‘She’s up to date on her shots, by the way, so there’s no need to worry, Annabeth. You won’t get any more rabid than you already are.’

‘But it hurts!’ Annabeth cried out, her face contorting in pain.

‘Yeah, those deep puncture wounds can be a real bitch,’ Tedone said sympathetically. ‘Just hang on. I’ll have an ambulance here in five minutes and the EMT can give you a shot of something.’

He reached for the phone on Merilee’s writing table to phone it in while I fetched some ice cubes from the freezer and wrapped them in a dishtowel. I also stopped off in the mudroom to fetch Annabeth’s panties from the pocket of her raincoat. They were black silk, in case you were wondering. I know I was.

‘Here you go,’ I said, pressing the ice pack against her wrist. ‘Do you need help with your panties?’

She looked at me blankly. ‘Do I what?’

‘Your panties. Can you put them on with one hand?’

‘I’m fine,’ she said indignantly, her cheeks mottling as she tucked her stocking feet into them and slid them up her legs one-handed, raising her butt up off of the sofa so she could wriggle into them.

Tedone finished his call and hung up the phone, watching her. ‘You’re a distinguished psychiatric professional,’ he said, shaking his head at her. ‘Where is your dignity?’

‘My dignity?’ She let out a mocking laugh. ‘I lost my dignity the day I met the Talmadges.’

‘The ambulance will be here right away, along with two state troopers.’ He pulled a latex glove and plastic evidence bag from the back pocket of his trousers and bagged and tagged the knife.

‘Did you hear everything?’ I asked him.

He nodded. ‘Every word.’

‘I’ll deny it,’ she said as she held the ice pack against her wrist.

‘You can try, but it won’t do you any good.’ I retrieved my microcassette recorder from the kindling basket where I’d hidden it. It has a lot of mileage on it from my ghosting days, but is still top grade and amazingly powerful.

‘I’m not exactly a stranger to a courtroom, you know,’ Annabeth said, climbing up on her high horse. ‘I’ve been asked countless times to provide expert testimony about a criminal defendant’s mental fitness to stand trial. You’ve just recorded me without my knowledge or consent. That makes it inadmissible in court.’

‘Who do you think you’re fooling, lady?’ Tedone said brusquely. ‘Your case will never go to court. It’ll be handled very discreetly in a judge’s chambers, where you’ll plead guilty by reason of insanity and be remanded to the psychiatric wing of York Correctional, our illustrious state’s maximum-security women’s prison, for the next twenty or thirty years. Your mother will have to raise your kids from now on. Maybe they’ll come visit you. Then again, maybe they won’t want to when they find out what a monstrous lunatic you are. Hell, you’re almost crazy enough to be a Talmadge.’

‘You’re one cold-hearted bastard,’ she said, raising her voice at him.

Which was enough to prompt Lulu to start growling at her again from the foot