The Damned Utd by David Peace (easy readers txt) 📕

No one says, ‘Afternoon, Cloughie.’

No one says, ‘Best of luck, Brian.’

No one says anything; the crowd is quiet and down 9,000 on the corresponding day last season; it might be the holiday weekend; it might be the violence on the terraces at some grounds; it might be Leeds United’s results so far –

It might just be me.

The doubt and the fear. That stink of Saturday. The whistle –

Birmingham have not come to defend. They have come to attack –

Four times they almost score. Through Francis. Through Burns. Through Hatton. Through Kendall. But four times they miss –

Hunter at the back. Hunter back from suspension. Hunter makes the difference –

McGovern has played better. McGovern has played worse –

O’Hare plays well beside Lorimer. O’Hare plays well beside Clarke –

Clarke up front. Clarke back from suspension –

Clarke makes the difference.

The Birmingham clearance hits the referee. The ball spins backwards into the path of a young, debutant Birmingham defender. Clarke is too quick for him –

1–0! 1–0! 1–0! 1–0! 1-fucking-fucking-0!

I’m off the bench and out the dug-out with a big, big kiss for Allan Clarke. A smacker, right on the chops –

No one in England could have scored it better than the way Clarkey did. It is one touch of class above all others –

Nothing lucky about it –

No blue suits. No dossiers. No bingo and no bowls. No ritual walks around the traffic lights or lucky routes to this bench in the dug-out. No envelopes full of cash. No gamesmanship or cheating –

Just football …

Not superstition. Not bloody ritual and not fucking luck –

Just good, clean, honest football.

‘There will be no stopping us,’ I tell the press. ‘No stopping us now.’

THE FOURTH RECKONING

First Division Positions, 25 August 1974

  P W D L F A Pts 1 Carlisle United 3 3 0 0 5 0 6 2 Ipswich Town 3 3 0 0 4 0 6 3 Liverpool 3 2 1 0 4 2 5 4 Wolves 3 2 1 0 6 3 5 5 Everton 3 2 1 0 5 3 5 6 Arsenal 3 2 0 1 5 1 4 7 Derby County 3 1 2 0 3 1 4 8 Stoke City 3 2 0 1 5 2 4 9 Man. City 3 2 0 1 5 4 4 10 Middlesbrough 3 1 1 1 4 3 3 11 Chelsea 3 1 1 1 6 6 3 12 QPR 3 1 1 1 2 2 3 13 Newcastle Utd 3 1 1 1 7 8 3 14 Leicester City 3 1 0 2 5 6 2 15 Sheffield Utd 3 0 2 1 3 5 2 16 West Ham Utd 3 1 0 2 4 7 2 17 Leeds United 3 1 0 2 1 4 2 18 Burnley 3 0 1 2 4 7 1 19 Coventry City 3 0 1 2 4 7 1 20 Luton Town 3 0 1 2 2 5 1 21 Birmingham C. 3 0 0 3 3 8 0 22 Tottenham H. 3 0 0 3 0 3 0

I curse the man you are. I curse the land you have –

I go from field to field. I collect stone after stone –

I pile up the stones. I kneel by the stones –

‘May every kind of mishap, may every kind of misfortune –

Fall on this man. Fall on this land.’

I rise up from them stones and I take up them stones –

And I hurl them here. And I hurl them there.

Day Twenty-six

You are out of the European Cup. You are out of the league title race. You are out of the FA and the League Cups. The only way Derby County can now qualify for next season’s UEFA Cup is if Derby beat Wolverhampton Wanderers tonight and then Leeds United beat Second Division Sunderland in the FA Cup final tomorrow or Leeds beat AC Milan in the Cup Winners’ Cup final. You beat Wolves. You do it in half an hour –

First Roy McFarland tucks in a ball from John O’Hare, next O’Hare centres for Roger Davies to lash into the roof of the net, then Davies pounces again to send home the rebound from a David Nish shot; the job done in half an hour, your eyes are on the roof of the stand, the fingers of grass on the pitch, the hands on the face of your watch –

Because these are the last few minutes of the 1972–73 season. The last few minutes you are League Champions. The final whistle will blow and Bill Shankly and Liverpool will be the new Champions, not you –

But who watches Bill Shankly on the box? Who reads his columns?

Does Mike Yarwood impersonate Bill Shankly on his show?

You know you annoy as many people as you amuse on the television; On the Ball and The Big Match. They might kick the screen, they might kiss the screen, but you know no one switches it off while you’re on. They bloody watch it. The same with your columns in the newspapers: the Sunday Express and the Sun. They might screw them up and stick them in their bin, they might cut them out and stick them on their wall, but you know no one turns the page. They bloody read them. The same with directors. You know you annoy as many directors as you impress. But you also know most would love to have you managing their club, know most would have you at the drop of a hat.

Just like you annoy as many managers as you inspire. But you know