Ahead of his Time by Adrian Cousins (children's books read aloud .txt) 📕

population had no concern for what they deposited and where, as long as it was in the vague direction of the toilet pan. I certainly had an affinity to Finchin ‘American Pie,’ not that I was desperate to screw ‘Stifler’s Mom,’ but I tried at all cost to avoid the school toilets when the call came.

My three senior students, Roberts, King and Cooper, all look horrified as I provided them with the required cleaning equipment of cloths and brushes to attack the men’s toilets. Although, after a full day of four hundred students splattering the facilities, I thought a hose and shovel would be more effective. Maggie really was a saint for facing this every day.

Roberts turned and looked at me as I stood leaning against the door frame. “Sir, can I have a hundred lashes with the slipper instead, please?” Cooper and King looked in total agreement as they surveyed the carnage inside each cubical.

I grinned and shook my head. “Gentlemen, that would be letting you off lightly. So no, let's get cleaning.”

King approached the first cubicle with his Marigold gloves and a tube of Vim cleaner at the ready. He stepped inside, looked at the carnage he faced and threw up. Maybe I’d gone too far.

31

Timmy

After leaving Roy’s office earlier that afternoon, I’d called George at work and Jen at home. Jen would drop the kids off at her parents, and we all agreed to meet up at the pub for a crisis meeting at six.

I had the genuine concern that Paul Colney may be around after school, as he’d made it clear earlier in the day that our conversation wasn’t finished. I chose the pub for the meeting as I didn't want him to know where I or Martin, and for that matter, Don lived. Maybe I was overreacting, but I was fully aware of what he was capable of.

Martin and I arrived early, as I needed to deal with his fraternisation with his mother earlier in the day. After the three boys had completed their punishment and left, looking rather green-around-the-gills, I was confident they would not be getting into another fracas outside the chip shop. Maggie had enjoyed her break and said she would be more than happy if any other students were in trouble, they could have the same punishment.

As we were early, we grabbed the window seat after a quick chat with Dawn and Dennis. Dawn said Martin was a very handsome chap and wanted to know if he had a young lady. I avoided saying he had too many, and I expected many more on the horizon as it seemed a fair few females he encountered were charmed by him – including his mother.

“Right mate, before the others get here, I suggest you tell me what was all that goings-on when you were chatting up those senior girls at lunchtime, including your mother?”

Martin nearly spat his beer back out and slammed his mug on the table. “What the fuck! You’re joking right? I was not chatting up those girls and certainly wasn’t chatting up my mother!”

“Keep your bloody voice down!” I glanced up to see Dawn, Dennis and Brian the landlord, break from their conversation at hearing Martin’s outburst.

“You sick fuck! You think I would chat my own mother up?”

“I can’t tell you again. Keep your bloody voice down.”

Martin huffed and sat back in his seat. “I was just having a friendly chat with some students. Yes, okay, one happened to be my mum, but hell, we were just chatting.”

“I said you need to avoid talking to her. It just isn’t right. We don’t know the time-travel effects of you engaging with her eleven years before she gives birth to you.”

Raising the palms of his hand, he nodded, “Yeah, I know. It’s just so weird seeing her as a teenager, and I just wanted to talk to her.”

“Well, apart from your potential rapist-father turning up at school today, we have another problem.” I flipped open my cigarettes and lit up.

“Oh, what's that? And do you have to smoke? I’m going to die of lung cancer before I’m forty living in this era. When do they ban smoking in pubs? I can't remember, but I hope it’s soon.”

“1st July 2007,” I replied. I remember we had a smoking party at the local pub on the night of 30th June and a lock-in until one in the morning so we could all defy the law for one hour. The landlord had put a sign up stating only smokers were allowed in that night, which caused some arguments. What he meant as a joke turned out to be a disaster as the police were called to deal with a stand-off between rival punters.

“Oh yeah, I remember it happening when I was at Uni. Pity they didn’t bring it in earlier. Then you’d have to stand outside and stop polluting my air.”

“That’s a bit rich. You had a cigarette the other day!”

“Yeah, but I don’t normally smoke.”

“Well, Mr High-And-Mighty, as I was saying, we have another problem. Your mother has a serious crush on you!”

Martin frowned and shook his head. “Oh, I don’t think so. You’re taking it too far now.”

“I wish I was, mate. But she’s drawn a heart on her exercise book with yours and her name on it. Also, when she was walking back into school after lunch and following your little chat, she was cooing over you and giggling with the other girls about how gorgeous you are.”

“Oh.” Martin closed his eyes and sunk down in his chair. “You’d better give me one of your cigarettes.”

I shoved the packet in his direction. “So mate, we have got to put a stop to this, and fast!”

When Jenny arrived, I left Martin pondering our new dilemma and jumped up to get her a drink. Now Jenny had joined the troop, she would probably have a different perspective on what we could do about this situation. Although George was a great sounding-board,