Definitely Dead by Kate Bendelow (howl and other poems TXT) 📕

‘Very good, I’m impressed. Obviously, I couldn’t wear gloves while I was with her, it would have looked too suspicious, but it didn’t matter as in view of the fact it was a suicide, I knew there wouldn’t be any need for a fingerprint exam. The stupid bitch thought it was all a big joke. I told her I wanted her to write a note to say sorry to one of the many victims she had damaged over the years. I told her what to say, but she couldn’t spell. My inner pedant couldn’t allow her to not correct it.’

‘What the fuck is all this about?’ Aiden’s voice lacked the bravado he intended. ‘Where’s Lurch?’

‘Shut up,’ the two women replied in unison. Alison laughed. ‘I like you, Maya. You’ve got the same drive and ambition I had when I joined the job.’ She turned the gun back in Aiden’s direction, but didn’t take her eyes off Maya.

‘I’m nothing like you,’ Maya spat. ‘I’m doing this job because I want to help people, not kill them. It doesn’t matter who they are or what they’ve done in the past, there is no excusing you…’

‘Really? Your morality is commendable. Or at least it nearly is. Why didn’t you tell anyone that Marcus Naylor is your biological father?’

‘You knew?’

‘Yes. I make it my business to know everything. That’s what a good cop does. I also know that for the last twelve months, Andy Carr has been taking bribes off this piece of shit to provide him with Operation Chrysalis information. I hadn’t done anything about it earlier, as I find it’s always best to bide your time and wait for the perfect moment. I’d quite like to put a bullet in our Andy, but I’m running out of time. Donnelly will be my last.’

Maya stepped carefully around Alison and positioned herself in front of Donnelly. ‘I’m afraid I can’t just stand here and let you do that. I know I’m not perfect and I’ve made mistakes, but murder? Why? What you’ve done makes you just as bad as the likes of him,’ she said, indicating her head towards Donnelly.

‘Because I’ve given my whole life to this job, that’s why. I’ve sacrificed so much to put the likes of him and Gorman and Jim Baron and Geoffrey Doran away and for what? They get released in the end and carry on with their lives, completely unaffected. They don’t deserve to live. Good, decent people die every day while scum like that remain untouchable.’

Alison gave a bitter laugh. ‘His type never learns. The more we put away the more come crawling out of the woodwork to fill their boots. Right now, there’s a wannabe Aiden Donnelly, Piotr Nowak or Celeste Warren about to embark on their criminal careers with the intention of gaining the next big reputation.

‘And it’s people like us, Maya,’ said Alison, poking herself in the chest, ‘people like us who will put our own lives on hold and work every hour God sends to catch them. We’ll sacrifice all those precious moments, all that special time we can never get back. Think of all those missed weekends, nights out, Christmases, birthdays, weddings…’

She choked on her words and Maya could detect a tremble in her voice as she continued. ‘Family celebrations that should be spent with the people you love. And it’s not even the big moments. It’s the everyday we take for granted. The meals that go uneaten because you’re working a shift that never ends. Those cosy early nights that you promised your partner, but by the time you do crawl into bed at 3am, the reception is as frosty as the weather outside.

‘I didn’t realise how much time I’d wasted until it was too late. My partner, Louisa, she died of cancer last year.’ She closed her eyes briefly. Clearly even the mention of the name brought her immense pain. ‘The only saving grace,’ she continued, ‘was that it was quick, and she didn’t suffer too much. But God knows I’ve suffered since.’ She jabbed herself in the chest again.

‘I took time off work, didn’t divulge why, it had nothing to do with anyone else. Then when I came back it was as if the scales had fallen from my eyes. I saw things so clearly for the first time ever. I realised how futile the job was. That it meant nothing. All the time I spent trying to make a difference and furthering my career should have been spent with her.’

Alison was clearly wracked with grief. She had paled despite the situation and sweltering heat.

‘I… I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. But…’

‘NO! Listen to me. You need to understand why I’ve done all this. For Louisa.’ She shuddered with emotion. ‘Have you ever been in love? I mean real love. Ever found your soulmate?’

Maya shook her head. Alison was showing an intensity and passion that was visceral. ‘Then you don’t know how wonderful and how fucking painful it can be. We were a cliché. You could say we met at work. Louisa used to work for Celeste. The first time I saw her when we raided the brothel… It was love at first sight. I did everything I could to help and support her. I got her away from that bitch. That woman ruined so many lives.’

‘So, she didn’t jump, you pushed her,’ said Maya.

‘Correct. I made her write that note and then she took me for a tour of her home. Couldn’t wait to show it off. She was smacked off her tits, she’d been drinking and snorting coke like it was going out of fashion. She thought I was there because I wanted to sleep with her. Once we were outside on the roof terrace, all it took was one little push. Perfect.’

‘And the others?’

‘Not as satisfying as Celeste. I regret that Karl Gorman didn’t suffer more. I persuaded him to let me in