The Last Night in London by Karen White (reading list .TXT) 📕

to remember.” Her eyes met mine. They held a wariness I hadn’t seen before. “Do you ever fear, Maddie, that your past is the most important part of your life?”

“Every day,” I said without thinking. I felt Colin’s gaze on me but didn’t turn. “I can’t seem to help it.”

Her voice sounded weighted with time, each year marking its passing with invisible force. “Oh, you dear girl. Your past should never become your present. When you live your life looking backward, thinking of all the ways you could have or should have done things differently, of the infernal unfairness of life, you end up running into the brick wall of old age, having learned nothing but the futility of it all.”

I shook my head, not sure what I was disagreeing with. Maybe I was just so used to telling people I couldn’t change that it had become a rote reaction. “It’s different for me.”

“Is it?” Her smile looked ghostly against the pallor of her skin. “I lost the two people I loved most in the world. Colin lost his twin brother. The only difference I can see is how we go about atoning for whatever we blame ourselves for. I don’t think we’re allowed to die until we figure that out. In fact, I believe that’s why I’m still here. No offense, you understand, but I surely don’t want to be. Old age is nothing but a cruel thief.” She kept her eyes on me. “Do you know what atonement is, Maddie?”

I frowned. “Sure. It’s making amends for a past transgression.”

“No. That’s selfishness. That’s like committing a crime because you know you’ll be forgiven.”

Colin sat very still. “Then what does atonement mean to you, Nana?”

She closed her eyes. They were bare, without eye shadow or the false lashes I was used to seeing, giving her the appearance of innocence. “Living one hundred years. So that I might hear their voices and see their faces every time I close my eyes.”

An odd note in her voice caught me by surprise, making my eyes sting. “You once told me that grief is like a ghost.”

“I am glad you were listening, Maddie. Maybe that’s why I’m here—to shake up your sad life.”

I sat up, ready to argue, but Colin placed his hand on my arm. “Who did you love and lose, Nana? Eva and who else?”

She shook her head slowly. “Not Eva. It’s because of her that I lost the other two.” A sad smile crossed her face. “Have you found her yet?”

“No. Not yet. But we’re still trying.”

A soft smile touched her lips. “When I dream of Eva and Graham, I always dream of them together.” Straightening her shoulders, she said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I’d like to go home now. I left something behind.”

I kept my voice light, but I was worried by the color of her skin and how, for the first time since I’d met her, she looked her age. “I’d be happy to go back to London and get whatever it is. I know Penelope and James had hoped you’d stay the week.”

She shook her head. “I want to go back. I don’t dream when I’m here.”

Colin took her hand. “Did you have a nightmare?”

She surprised us by smiling. “My nightmares follow me everywhere. In London they’re more vivid, and for good reason.”

“Are you referring to the Blitz, Precious? Were you in the flat when it was bombed?”

“We all were.”

“‘We’?” Colin prompted.

She stared down at her hands as if she hadn’t heard the question.

Gently, I asked, “Is that why you left London for France?”

She waved her hand at me weakly. “I went to France hoping I’d die. I wanted to do something for the war effort and there was nothing left for me here. David had connections and helped me get across the Channel. I didn’t think I’d survive six months fighting with the Resistance, but God had other plans for punishing me, however, so I lived. I still live.” She braced her hands on the arms of her chair. “I’m feeling poorly. I’d like to go home now.”

As I watched Colin lead her to Penelope, who was hovering in the doorway, I thought of the dozens of questions I still had. I had learned next to nothing today except that I didn’t know the meaning of atonement and Precious didn’t want to be one hundred years old. Slowly, I began to gather up my things and shove them into my backpack.

“I’m sorry,” Colin said. “I know my parents were looking forward to your stay.”

“I’m sorry, too,” I said. “Is Precious going to be all right?”

“She has spells like this sometimes. Mother’s called Laura, who will be expecting her. She’ll let us know if anything is amiss.” He tilted his head, regarding me like I was a problem to be solved. “Are you all right?”

“I think so. I’m just . . .” My gaze fell on the menu. “There’s something you said, about the Savoy. About it being a hotbed of intrigue during the war.” My eyes met his, and I focused on keeping my gaze steady and not thinking about our kiss. “And about reasons why a person’s records might be missing.”

He folded his arms across his chest, his eyes widening as he reached the same conclusion I had. “Do you think Graham might have been involved in espionage?”

I nodded. “It’s not out of the realm of possibility, is it?”

“No, I suppose not. I’m just disappointed that I didn’t think of it, too. Makes sense, though, doesn’t it? And it’s actually a bit of good news. Recently—twenty seventeen, I believe—the National Archives released top secret files of MI-Five and MI-Six operatives during the war.”

“Really? So Hyacinth might be able to tell us more?”

“If there’s something in those records about Graham, she’ll unearth it. I’ll let Mother know so she can call. It might be a few days, if Hyacinth is on baby watch with her daughter. Although it wouldn’t surprise me if Hyacinth had her laptop and phone