Always Fraser by A. Steel (electronic reader .txt) 📕

“What did she say?” Her face is softening, her eyes showing a hint of the warmth she normally holds for me.

“She said when she was younger, a few years after she and my dad were married, they were trying to fall pregnant and they were having problems. Apparently, it was Dad, not her, so she took it upon herself to find someone that could give her the child she so desperately wanted.”

Elly gasps as she connects the dots. Her eyes are wide as she hangs on my every word.

I take another deep breath trying to get the words out. “She waited until Dad was away on one of his business trips, went to a bar, and found some guy she thought would be a suitable sperm donor, and that was that. The man I had believed to be my dad my whole life... isn’t my blood. That's why I took off to go and see him that next day. I had to know if it was true.”

“Is it true?” she gasps, her hands over her mouth.

“Yeah, we had the paternity test done a few weeks ago. He's not my biological father.” I sob. The tears I have been holding back for weeks are now rolling down my cheeks. Telling her makes it all feel so real. This is my fucked-up life now.

Elly's eyes are now welling with tears. “Oh, Fraser, that's... I don’t know what to say, that's so awful. Did your dad know all that time as well?” She sobs, reaching out for my hand. Her touch feels so good, so comforting.

“No, not the whole time. She never told him. He worked it out for himself after Mum left. He didn't tell me, because in his eyes, I was his son no matter what. It didn't change the way he felt about me. He had hoped I would never need to know. It's a lot to deal with, but we're working through it together with my psychologist. Dad and Janice arrived last week and he’s in town for a while.”

“You have a psychologist?”

“Yeah, Blake organised her for me.”

“He’s so good to you, Fraser. I don’t know what you did to deserve such a good friend, but you're lucky you have him.”

“You don’t even know half of it. This is the second time he’s saved me when I’ve hit rock bottom. I can't even tell you how much I owe him.”

“When was the first time?” she asks, looking puzzled, and I realise we have never talked about what happened after she moved away all those years ago.

“When you left me, after our graduation.”

“I didn't leave you, you wouldn't be with me. I chose to move on with my life when I knew it wasn’t going to work with you.” She pulls her hand back, annoyed with me again.

“Ahh," I run my hands through my hair, frustrated with myself. "What I meant was, when I fucked up with you the first time. I started drinking heavily. That summer I was a complete mess, and by the time Blake and I met at uni, I was in a bad way. He was the one that worked out I had a problem and talked me into getting help.

“Drinking was the only way I could block out the empty feeling I had inside. The ache my body was feeling because you weren't around. You had been in my life for such a long time and then you were gone without another word. Just like my mum. I feel so lost when I’m not around you, like you complete me, and when you're not around, there's a darkness that takes over. I’ve been using alcohol to fill the void. You always wonder why Blake and I are so close. He thinks I saved him from his awful family, and he saved me from myself... Twice.”

“I still don’t understand,” Elly says. “Why you couldn’t just come and talk to me about all this. Why was it all a secret? I could have been the one to save you this time, that's what I’m supposed to be here for.”

“I was lost, Elly, and I know what I'm like when I go to that dark place. I didn't want to put you through that. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I have no idea who my biological dad is, and I’ll never know. We have no way of working it out now. It was eating me up inside. All I kept on thinking is, I’m just like my mum, a drunk that's no good for anyone. That week I was away, I started drinking again. I didn't want to drag you into my awful life. Why would you want to stay, knowing how messed up I was?”

“Fraser, I didn’t want to be with you because I thought you were perfect. I have known you a long time and no one is perfect. I wanted to be with you because you were you. My hero in school, scaring off all my bullies, the sad boy when his mother left that needed me to help distract him from the pain by skipping class and going for a swim in the middle of the school day, my brother’s best friend who would gang up on me driving me nuts but then follow it up by doing something sweet like leaving a bar of chocolate or a flower from the garden on my pillow, the one that could light up my face with his cheeky smile just by being him. I didn’t need you to be anything other than you.” She sobs, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks.

“I didn’t know that's how you felt, Elly. Since Mum left, I have felt like I wasn’t enough for anyone. How could I be? When the one woman that’s supposed to love me unconditionally left me without a word. She didn’t even say goodbye that night. The last thing she said to me was, 'go do your homework,