Marianne by Elizabeth Hammer (best books to read in life TXT) 📕

She dropped her arms. “So now you’re laying down the law, are you? I confess all my sins to you, or it’s over?”

“What?” Patrick touched his forehead. “Why can’t you just listen and stop twisting this?”

“No, I get it,” she said. “I confess my sins, and then you dole out my penance. And then we’ll do it again the next day. You really want that kind of relationship?”

“How can you say that?” he said. “When did I become such an jerk in your eyes? When?”

“Don’t do that!” snapped Marianne. “Don’t take my part. I’m the jerk here; that’s what we’re talking about. You don’t get to be the jerk in this conversation.” Okay, she may have been getting a bit crazy, now.

Patrick shook his head in confusion. “What is it with you? I don’t judge you—I don’t—but you want me to. And then you want to complain about it.”

“No.” She pointed at the ground. “No. I just want the truth. You never tell me the truth, but I know what’s actually there in your head. I’m not the only one covering stuff up.”

“I don’t lie to you.”

“Nuh-uh.” She looked him right in the eye. “You’ve been lying to me about how you feel. Things are bad, and you’ve been lying about it.”

“I think that’s obvious,” he said. “You really needed to me call that out?”

“Yes! Hell, yes,” she said. “I need you to accept this for what it is. I need to stop feeling all this pressure from you.”

“Pressure?”

“Yeah,” she said. “Like a fricking alien invasion. You want to crawl inside every part of my head, and it’s not cool with me. You can’t have that. Hell, you don’t want that.”

Patrick took a step back and swallowed hard.

Marianne waited.

He just stood there for a moment. “I know exactly what I want.” He took another step back. “Can you do it or not?”

Marianne froze in shock for a second. “What? This is it?”

“This is it.” He nodded. “Can you do it or not?”

No, no, no, no, no. This could not be happening. “Wait.” Marianne let her disbelief show on her face. “I already told you. I tried. I’m trying. I don’t know what else—”

“Yes or no,” he interrupted.

“Yes.” Marianne shrugged. “I said yes.”

He looked like he wasn’t even listening.

“I agreed with you,” said Marianne, heart beating fast. He wasn’t hearing her; he didn’t believe that she would try. “Of course I’ll do it. It’s done.”

“Marianne,” he whispered. He closed his eyes and shook his head back and forth.

He was gonna leave. Marianne reached out and held onto his forearm. She would not allow it. “Come on, stop looking like that.”

Patrick put his hands on her shoulders, bent down, and kissed the top of her head. He pushed her back a little. “I can’t,” he said.

“Wait, what?” She pulled on his shirt when he tried to move back farther. She blew out her breath to steady herself and smiled up into his face. “Listen, I agreed with you. I don’t always share everything I should. But I know—I know—that I was wrong. You have every right to leave.” Marianne waited for him to say that he’d never do that.

But he didn’t.

She swallowed. “Unless you don’t love me anymore?”

“Of course I still love you.” But his expression didn’t change.

She had to give him something it seemed. More than promises. “My phone,” she said, swallowing hard. “I didn’t lose my phone.” The words started coming out in a rush—anxiety censored some pertinent details, but the words did come “I got caught after curfew at the beach and a cop took it from me. He took my whole backpack. I was embarrassed and didn’t want to tell you.”

Patrick searched her face, but didn’t speak.

“That’s…” Marianne shrugged and paused another moment. “That’s what you want from me, right? This is the kind of thing you want?” She waited another moment. “Why are you still looking at me like that?”

“I’m sorry,” he said, stepping back out of her grasp. “I—I know this is what I asked for. But I still don’t think...”

“What the heck? You’re backing out now?” She let her mouth hang open. “I’ve got more. You want more?”

“No.” Patrick looked down. “I thought it would make a difference... a minute ago, last night... I thought that then, but I was wrong. I still can’t.”

“You said that you would.” Marianne looked away and put her hand on her forehead. “I’m freaking begging right now. Do you see this?” She looked back at him. “You said before that you loved me without conditions. You said that you decided. What the hell was that?”

Patrick didn’t look at her. “I do still love you. I just can’t be with you—I never promised that.”

Marianne stared in horror. “That is crap,” she whispered.

He swallowed. “I know.”

“Fine.” Marianne backed away from him, over to the porch steps. She couldn’t breathe anymore. “Fine.”

Patrick went to the gate and kicked it open. He turned and whispered, “I’m sorry,” at the exact same time as she said, “Just go.”

They stood facing each other for several moments, neither one moving.

Jinx.

Marianne went back into her bedroom. Oddly, that room seemed to be lacking sufficient oxygen to sustain consciousness, so she put on her tennies and went for a walk. Forget school.

She didn’t take her mp3 player, so she just chanted to herself, “Patrick can go to hell,” for the next three hours. It was fine. She was totally fine.

As she passed the high school, some guys playing basketball did a double-take when they saw the tragic expression on her face. Oh, eff off. She turned her head in the other direction and walked faster. No way was this situation going to crush her. Hell, she was almost glad. She’d never asked him for anything. Never expected him to be anything more than what he had been. Patrick was the first boyfriend she’d ever cared about, but that was it. Everyone had a first love that didn’t work out. And “first love” may have been